I took a day off from work ... felt so low ... horrible ... but oh what a good day. Good in the sense that despite myself O Lord you brought me so many, many good things.
Momma ... Spooky and I went to Woodward Park ... and the late roses smelled oh so lovely, just intoxicating ... the longing they evoked was so strong ... oh God oh Momma ...
But I saw this same little bunny at the Rose Garden as last week ... oh Momma you would have loved it ...
And now ... I have Casablanca on ... and it's perfect, always perfect ... it's you Momma, your world ... the Greatest Generation ... oh God how I miss Momma ... how I miss you all ...
And yet thank you thank you thank you Lord for giving me this day ... this Momma ... this everything.
Everything ...
And if I just remember my goal today ...
To respond to Momma's passing with as much authenticity & integrity as I can muster ...
That's it, that's it ... nothing more ... just for today, O Lord, this is I think Your Call ...
I love you Momma
I love you O Lord
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you
Charles Delacroix
Eve of the Feast of St Romuald
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Monday, June 16, 2008
Estate Nearing an End ... and Frogs Croaking the End ...
I met with the lawyer ... possibly, probably, for the last time.
I wrote checks out of your Estate's checking account distributing the remaining monies ... somehow this all feels so horribly horribly wrong ... this is yours, Momma, and oh ... oh it's yours and to give it away is to bring to an end yet in another way that which I just don't want to see end now or ever. Oh I know. But that's how it feels. Oh Momma.
I took Spooky to the vet. A 13 year old dog ... your dog Momma ... but oh what good news: she's basically healthy although with a UTI and colitis, fully treatable.
And Momma how it's been raining ... and now frogs are singing and croaking up a storm in the back yard.
Oh I wish you were here how we'd talk and talk about the little froggies and their wonderfully soothing song ...
I love you and miss you Momma so so much ...
I wrote checks out of your Estate's checking account distributing the remaining monies ... somehow this all feels so horribly horribly wrong ... this is yours, Momma, and oh ... oh it's yours and to give it away is to bring to an end yet in another way that which I just don't want to see end now or ever. Oh I know. But that's how it feels. Oh Momma.
I took Spooky to the vet. A 13 year old dog ... your dog Momma ... but oh what good news: she's basically healthy although with a UTI and colitis, fully treatable.
And Momma how it's been raining ... and now frogs are singing and croaking up a storm in the back yard.
Oh I wish you were here how we'd talk and talk about the little froggies and their wonderfully soothing song ...
I love you and miss you Momma so so much ...
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Fireflies
Oh Momma. There were so many fireflies in the late dusk tonite. They were back against the treeline ... and floating in the air above your resting place.
Oh how we would have talked about them.
Fireflies.
So simple and so lovely.
And such a gift.
In many ways your gift Momma.
God's gift to me through you Momma.
You introduced me to fireflies.
And today you show me still their beauty, their effervescent glows, their fragile loveliness.
Oh Momma
Oh God
I love you both
I love you
And I thank you
Thank you
Thank you
Oh but how I miss you so so so so so much Momma
Charles Delacroix
Sunday 11 in OT
Oh how we would have talked about them.
Fireflies.
So simple and so lovely.
And such a gift.
In many ways your gift Momma.
God's gift to me through you Momma.
You introduced me to fireflies.
And today you show me still their beauty, their effervescent glows, their fragile loveliness.
Oh Momma
Oh God
I love you both
I love you
And I thank you
Thank you
Thank you
Oh but how I miss you so so so so so much Momma
Charles Delacroix
Sunday 11 in OT
Authenticity and Integrity
I finally remembered that my goal these days is really very simple:
To respond to the catastrophe of Mom's passing with as much authenticity and integrity as I can. This I think is still God's Call for me today.
So I cancelled my lunch with my aunt & cousin, & cancelled my lunch with my colleague, and drove up to Bartlesville. With an enormous crowbar I got at Home Depot. And plenty of other tools for the job.
By God's Grace, I was able to shift my grandfather's marker. It's now repositioned, and flat, more or less flush with the surface of the ground around it. I cleaned it and brushed it off and repositioned a Father's Day sprig of blue flowers. And for Charles W. Vaughan, Sr, I said a prayer and asked his prayers. May this father of my father have a wonderful Father's Day in as I hope a better place than this.
It felt really, really good. I know ... I *know* ... that Momma would very much approve my taking the time and effort to pay respect to my father's father's grave. This was of course above all a gift to me. A reminder that indeed on this Father's Day I have so, so, so much to be thankful for from my earthly fathers ... more even from my Heavenly Father.
Oh Momma ... oh Momma and all mothers who picked for fathers men who they thought were "decent guys" ... like you did Momma ... oh what is there to say but: Thanks.
I love you Momma and I miss you Momma.
I love you Daddy and I miss you Daddy.
Oh Jesus have mercy on us all.
And ... *thank* you all. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Charles Delacroix
Sunday 11 in OT
To respond to the catastrophe of Mom's passing with as much authenticity and integrity as I can. This I think is still God's Call for me today.
So I cancelled my lunch with my aunt & cousin, & cancelled my lunch with my colleague, and drove up to Bartlesville. With an enormous crowbar I got at Home Depot. And plenty of other tools for the job.
By God's Grace, I was able to shift my grandfather's marker. It's now repositioned, and flat, more or less flush with the surface of the ground around it. I cleaned it and brushed it off and repositioned a Father's Day sprig of blue flowers. And for Charles W. Vaughan, Sr, I said a prayer and asked his prayers. May this father of my father have a wonderful Father's Day in as I hope a better place than this.
It felt really, really good. I know ... I *know* ... that Momma would very much approve my taking the time and effort to pay respect to my father's father's grave. This was of course above all a gift to me. A reminder that indeed on this Father's Day I have so, so, so much to be thankful for from my earthly fathers ... more even from my Heavenly Father.
Oh Momma ... oh Momma and all mothers who picked for fathers men who they thought were "decent guys" ... like you did Momma ... oh what is there to say but: Thanks.
I love you Momma and I miss you Momma.
I love you Daddy and I miss you Daddy.
Oh Jesus have mercy on us all.
And ... *thank* you all. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Charles Delacroix
Sunday 11 in OT
Father's Day - After Mass
After Mass ... whew ...
Today was ... for some reason I have no idea why .... You Know O Lord what else matters really though ... but today was fhe first day I really felt drawn to go to Mass ... and get all the way through Mass ... all the way ... first time since Mom died ... Oh Lord ...
I didn't cry once during Mass either, not once ...
Cried a *lot* this morning at your grave Momma but Oh ...
I keep thinking about what you wrote ... in that short note to Daniel ... why you went out with Dad ... oh when ... that had to be 1943 or 44? You said he "seemed like a decent guy."
Oh Momma ...
I've been thinking about that again and again. And yesterday ... company picnic ... *very* family oriented ... and I think me and one other guy were the only "singles" there with no family at all along. I made it almost all the way through and finally had to leave ... and then on to Bartlesville ... to Dad's Dad's Grave ... Charles W. Vaughan, Sr. My Grandfather.
His grave marker had shifted and I couldn't get it evened out ... man they made those military grave markers *heavy* ...
And then up to Dewey to see George W Martin's grave ... Dad's Mom's Dad ... my Great-Grandfather.
I keep thinking that I know all these men had problems ... horrible problems in Dad's case at least ... but oh ...
Momma ...
I just keep thinking that hey ...
We pays our money and we takes our chances ...
You picked someone you thought was a decent guy ...
And here I am now allowed to walk the face of the earth because of your choice ...
Likewise Grampa Vaughan and G-Grampa Martin ... I know so very, very little about these men ... and nothing at all about their forebears, or almost nothing ...
But hey ...
They did what they did and now by God's Grace working through this line of men I'm allowed to sit here and type and wonder and cry and think ... oh Momma ... oh Daddy ... oh God ...
And to all of you who have gone before me all I can think to say is:
Thank you.
It seems so little to say and nothing will ever really say what needs to be said but:
Thank you.
And.
Happy Father's Day.
Thank you.
Love in Christ,
Charles Delacroix
Sunday 11 in OT
Today was ... for some reason I have no idea why .... You Know O Lord what else matters really though ... but today was fhe first day I really felt drawn to go to Mass ... and get all the way through Mass ... all the way ... first time since Mom died ... Oh Lord ...
I didn't cry once during Mass either, not once ...
Cried a *lot* this morning at your grave Momma but Oh ...
I keep thinking about what you wrote ... in that short note to Daniel ... why you went out with Dad ... oh when ... that had to be 1943 or 44? You said he "seemed like a decent guy."
Oh Momma ...
I've been thinking about that again and again. And yesterday ... company picnic ... *very* family oriented ... and I think me and one other guy were the only "singles" there with no family at all along. I made it almost all the way through and finally had to leave ... and then on to Bartlesville ... to Dad's Dad's Grave ... Charles W. Vaughan, Sr. My Grandfather.
His grave marker had shifted and I couldn't get it evened out ... man they made those military grave markers *heavy* ...
And then up to Dewey to see George W Martin's grave ... Dad's Mom's Dad ... my Great-Grandfather.
I keep thinking that I know all these men had problems ... horrible problems in Dad's case at least ... but oh ...
Momma ...
I just keep thinking that hey ...
We pays our money and we takes our chances ...
You picked someone you thought was a decent guy ...
And here I am now allowed to walk the face of the earth because of your choice ...
Likewise Grampa Vaughan and G-Grampa Martin ... I know so very, very little about these men ... and nothing at all about their forebears, or almost nothing ...
But hey ...
They did what they did and now by God's Grace working through this line of men I'm allowed to sit here and type and wonder and cry and think ... oh Momma ... oh Daddy ... oh God ...
And to all of you who have gone before me all I can think to say is:
Thank you.
It seems so little to say and nothing will ever really say what needs to be said but:
Thank you.
And.
Happy Father's Day.
Thank you.
Love in Christ,
Charles Delacroix
Sunday 11 in OT
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Going for a Walk
No more.
Oh God Momma.
This morning is so, so, so beautiful. And there were three - maybe four, I'm not sure - beautiful birds, with I think lemon yellow bodies and black wings, perhaps? But they raced fast, fast, right past me, and over your grave, and off into the tree line. What were they? They were fast and they were lovely and how we would have talked about them ...
And oh how we would talk if we could go for a walk this morning ....
Those walks in Limberg Forest and down to the bridge by Island Home Airport ... oh Momma. What did we talk about on those walks? Nothing ... "deep" ... I think. We talked about birds and trees and how a house looked newly painted a different color along the way, and we'd talk about the river and the airplanes, and about the sky and sunsets and sunrises, and about people in the neighborhood and about the dog and about ... well we talked about the smallest things but in truth the biggest things, the most important things, in the universe. For we were talkinga about the Face of God, the Ikons of God.
Oh Momma Oh God how I miss you Momma
Oh God
Oh God
Oh Momma
Oh God
Oh God Momma.
This morning is so, so, so beautiful. And there were three - maybe four, I'm not sure - beautiful birds, with I think lemon yellow bodies and black wings, perhaps? But they raced fast, fast, right past me, and over your grave, and off into the tree line. What were they? They were fast and they were lovely and how we would have talked about them ...
And oh how we would talk if we could go for a walk this morning ....
Those walks in Limberg Forest and down to the bridge by Island Home Airport ... oh Momma. What did we talk about on those walks? Nothing ... "deep" ... I think. We talked about birds and trees and how a house looked newly painted a different color along the way, and we'd talk about the river and the airplanes, and about the sky and sunsets and sunrises, and about people in the neighborhood and about the dog and about ... well we talked about the smallest things but in truth the biggest things, the most important things, in the universe. For we were talkinga about the Face of God, the Ikons of God.
Oh Momma Oh God how I miss you Momma
Oh God
Oh God
Oh Momma
Oh God
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Birds and Frogs and Puppy Dogs
I do love hearing the birds outside in the morning. And the peepers last night were loud and clear. And the puppy dog in the back yard loved being petted last night. I'm about to go feed her and then go visit you Momma. Oh all seems right except the hole in the heart of this world and of your son which cries out that you are gone and all is wrong when you aren't here, Momma. Oh I miss you so. We all do. I'm fixing tea and I'll be right over to visit you though. Oh I love you and miss you. Oh Jesus take good care of my good Momma please.
Gratefully,
Charles Delacroix
Feast of St Barnabas
Gratefully,
Charles Delacroix
Feast of St Barnabas
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