The End of 2007 ...
The Eve of the Feast of Mary Mother of God ...
Oh Momma how I miss you ...
Really, it's not been a "bad day" ... I don't feel sad or depressed or anything, really ... I just feel blah ... and frankly lifeless, hopeless ... the bleakness and futility of the future seems summed up in the prospect of a New Year.
Still, this morning, I took pictures of Mom's grave, really lovely under a light, sparkling frost.
This morning, I heard a story on NPR about foods traditionally eaten in different places for the new year. Italians, they said, traditionally eat lentils and Italian Sausage. The lentils are in the shape of coins and signify the wish for prosperity in the new year. This sounds so natural and traditional that I can't help but be attracted to this ceremony. I was tempted to buy some Italian Sausage but didn't in the interest of keeping costs down as much as possible these days. But I fixed a big bowl of lentils tonite, mixing in onions & seasoned with onion salt, and really it was good. Oh Lord I do pray for prosperity in the new year, in accordance and concordance with Sons and Daughters of Adam and Eve in Italy and elsewhere.
The dog and I went to Woodward Park for a walk this afternoon, and then this afternoon, we both visited Mom to wish her a Happy New Year and to give her a coo and say "Night night ... night night, Momma, and don't let the bedbugs bite," as she would say smilingly.
I thought of dismantling the Christmas Tree but didn't. Tomorrow ... but tonite, one last night of Christmas Lights on the Prettiest Christmas Tree We've Ever Had ... Momma, I know you would have liked the Tree taken down today, but forgive me, I so love to look at the lights even as I feel utter emptiness and devastation in this place in your absence, Momma ...
I watched Bad Santa, always a wonderful antidote to Christmas blues, and I worked on sorting through documentation needed to file for student loan repayment in the prospective new year.
Oh my dear Momma how I miss you so ...
O I love you Lord Jesus ... and please please please ... O Lord ... take good care of my dear Momma ... please ...
I love you Momma and miss you so much
I'm drinking some more egg nog in your memory O Momma and beg all the Angels and Saints who have gone before to celebrate the New Year with you dear Momma ...
And I look forward by God's Grace to celebrating a New Day and a New Eternal Year with you oh Momma ... God willing O Lord ...
I love you both ... I love you all.
Charles Delacroix
Feast of Pope St Sylvestre
Eve of Mary Mother of God
Monday, December 31, 2007
Beautiful ... just beautiful ... and sad ... so sad
I am sitting here looking at our Christmas Tree. I'll probably take it down today ... Momma, you always said that Christmas decorations should be down by New Year's. But for now ... oh how very beautiful.
The Prettiest Christmas Tree We've Ever Had ...
Or at least ... it would be ... if you were here ...
Maybe by God's Grace you are here ... then lovely indeed the Tree ... lovely indeed everything ...
But Oh Momma I can't see you ... and oh oh oh oh oh how I miss you ...
So so so so much ...
On this last day of the year ...
I want to say what a horrible horrible year, since this is the year that you were taken from me ... yet how selfish I know ... when it's time to go it's time to go and for you this must be good but oh oh oh oh oh ... I just miss you Momma so much ...
Oh and what a year ... there were many, many, many good things in this year, weren't there, Momma? This is the year I was given the privilege of being for you a small, small, small fraction of what you were to me for so many many years ... caregiver, caretaker ...
You always said it best: "I will always be your mother, and you will always be my son." This year in a very special way allowed me to clothe myself in this mantle, to walk this way of love, to gain God's Gift of you in a special way ...
All this is good, so good, but oh
oh oh oh oh oh Momma ...
How I miss you ...
Oh Momma I love you
Oh Jesus I love you
Oh Lord Jesus please please please please please ... take good care of my Momma ...
I love you
Charles Delacroix
Feast of Pope St Sylvestre
Eve of Mary Mother of God
The Prettiest Christmas Tree We've Ever Had ...
Or at least ... it would be ... if you were here ...
Maybe by God's Grace you are here ... then lovely indeed the Tree ... lovely indeed everything ...
But Oh Momma I can't see you ... and oh oh oh oh oh how I miss you ...
So so so so much ...
On this last day of the year ...
I want to say what a horrible horrible year, since this is the year that you were taken from me ... yet how selfish I know ... when it's time to go it's time to go and for you this must be good but oh oh oh oh oh ... I just miss you Momma so much ...
Oh and what a year ... there were many, many, many good things in this year, weren't there, Momma? This is the year I was given the privilege of being for you a small, small, small fraction of what you were to me for so many many years ... caregiver, caretaker ...
You always said it best: "I will always be your mother, and you will always be my son." This year in a very special way allowed me to clothe myself in this mantle, to walk this way of love, to gain God's Gift of you in a special way ...
All this is good, so good, but oh
oh oh oh oh oh Momma ...
How I miss you ...
Oh Momma I love you
Oh Jesus I love you
Oh Lord Jesus please please please please please ... take good care of my Momma ...
I love you
Charles Delacroix
Feast of Pope St Sylvestre
Eve of Mary Mother of God
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Sound of Music ... and our Christmas Tree at Year's End
ABC was showing Sound of Music tonite. Oh Mom how you and I both loved to watch this, together. Mom you always thought Christopher Plummer so handsome and charming.
Oh and Momma as I watched this movie "on & off" ... I looked over at our Christmas Tree, the Prettiest Christmas Tree We've Ever Had ... and it does look so, so lovely.
Our Christmas Trees always looked so lovely especially in the dark, with hte Christmas Tree lights on. So beautiful, Momma.
And your chair is empty
And the tree looks so lovely ... and so futile ... so very out of place, for everythign is out of place with you not here ...
Emptiness and Dejection and Futility and Hopelessness ... isn't that what this life is all about O Lord
Oh Momma how I miss you
Oh Momma I love you
Lord Jesus I love you
And Lord Jesus please please please please please ... take good care of my Momma.
Charles Delacroix
Sunday in the Octave of Easter
Feast of the Holy Family
Oh and Momma as I watched this movie "on & off" ... I looked over at our Christmas Tree, the Prettiest Christmas Tree We've Ever Had ... and it does look so, so lovely.
Our Christmas Trees always looked so lovely especially in the dark, with hte Christmas Tree lights on. So beautiful, Momma.
And your chair is empty
And the tree looks so lovely ... and so futile ... so very out of place, for everythign is out of place with you not here ...
Emptiness and Dejection and Futility and Hopelessness ... isn't that what this life is all about O Lord
Oh Momma how I miss you
Oh Momma I love you
Lord Jesus I love you
And Lord Jesus please please please please please ... take good care of my Momma.
Charles Delacroix
Sunday in the Octave of Easter
Feast of the Holy Family
Feast of the Holy Family
Today is the First Sunday of the Christmas Season ... Sunday within the Octave of Christmas ... and the Feast of the Holy Family.
Our family ... such as it was ... would not be the kind of family that anyone would even consider comparing to the Holy Family.
That includes me ... well me at one time anyway ...
But things have changed. For me they have changed enormously, beyond words. My mother's decline and death ... and the days and weeks and months since then ... have left me with a very, very, very different view of my own family than I had in the past ...
Mom ... and (yes) Dad ... and Grampa and Grandma ... maternal & paternal ... and all their forebears ... those I know a little about ... and the many, many, many I know nothing about ... not even their names ... all of these have from me today really nothing but deepest, deepest, deepest gratitude.
Thank you dear dear dear Momma.
Thank you all.
I keep thinking of this picture of Momma in her picture album. It's just after WWII. She and Dad have set up their very first house in Columbia. It's winter, and Momma is looking back at the house, ice and snow everywhere. The caption of the photo says that the tree by the house is bent low under the ice. You don't in the photo really even see Mom's face very well. But her bundled up figure, and the way she's twisting back to look at the bent-over tree and the house ... her very first home for what she planned to be her new family ... oh my my my ... Mom looks so wistful, so full of hope, so full of young energy ... energy she placed at the service of a dream, a dream of family, a family under God. Oh my. That was ... when? 1946? 1947? Ah me ... so long ago ... but that photo ... oh I've been thinking about it since I saw it, looking at photo albums a few days after Momma died 4 short months ago ... and even if our family turned out in some ways tragically ... even if all families turn out, in the end, very tragically indeed ... even so ... even so ... isn't there so much to admire in a woman and a man who labor to build a family with such courage and tenacity and perseverance and joy and sadness ...
Oh thank you Momma ... thank you so much. I will never, ever, ever be able to express the smallest fraction of the gratitude I have in my heart for you. And for your God, and my God, who vouchesafed you to me. Who allowed little Charles Delacroix the sheer privilege of having you for a Momma. Who allowed me the Grace ... the sheer Grace ... of being your son.
Oh but Momma ... how I miss you ... I miss you so much ... so much ... so much ...
I'm going to the grave to pray for you now dear Momma. Yesterday morning, Aunt Edna and Cousin Rose came by the grave. The funeral home lady came by to inspect the grave marker. I thanked her, and asked her to thank all responsible, for managing to get it placed there the Friday before Christmas. Aunt Edna and Cousin Rosanna both said that they think the marker looks wonderful. So do I. I am so grateful, Lord, and so grateful, Momma. Thank you thank you all.
But oh how I miss you Momma ..............................................
Lord Jesus please please please please please take good care of my Momma ...
I love you Lord Jesus
I love your Most Holy Family
I love my Momma, true if tragic Ikon of your dear Mother, O Lord
I love you all
And am grateful to you all
Charles Delacroix
Sunday within the Octave of Christmas
Feast of the Holy Family
Our family ... such as it was ... would not be the kind of family that anyone would even consider comparing to the Holy Family.
That includes me ... well me at one time anyway ...
But things have changed. For me they have changed enormously, beyond words. My mother's decline and death ... and the days and weeks and months since then ... have left me with a very, very, very different view of my own family than I had in the past ...
Mom ... and (yes) Dad ... and Grampa and Grandma ... maternal & paternal ... and all their forebears ... those I know a little about ... and the many, many, many I know nothing about ... not even their names ... all of these have from me today really nothing but deepest, deepest, deepest gratitude.
Thank you dear dear dear Momma.
Thank you all.
I keep thinking of this picture of Momma in her picture album. It's just after WWII. She and Dad have set up their very first house in Columbia. It's winter, and Momma is looking back at the house, ice and snow everywhere. The caption of the photo says that the tree by the house is bent low under the ice. You don't in the photo really even see Mom's face very well. But her bundled up figure, and the way she's twisting back to look at the bent-over tree and the house ... her very first home for what she planned to be her new family ... oh my my my ... Mom looks so wistful, so full of hope, so full of young energy ... energy she placed at the service of a dream, a dream of family, a family under God. Oh my. That was ... when? 1946? 1947? Ah me ... so long ago ... but that photo ... oh I've been thinking about it since I saw it, looking at photo albums a few days after Momma died 4 short months ago ... and even if our family turned out in some ways tragically ... even if all families turn out, in the end, very tragically indeed ... even so ... even so ... isn't there so much to admire in a woman and a man who labor to build a family with such courage and tenacity and perseverance and joy and sadness ...
Oh thank you Momma ... thank you so much. I will never, ever, ever be able to express the smallest fraction of the gratitude I have in my heart for you. And for your God, and my God, who vouchesafed you to me. Who allowed little Charles Delacroix the sheer privilege of having you for a Momma. Who allowed me the Grace ... the sheer Grace ... of being your son.
Oh but Momma ... how I miss you ... I miss you so much ... so much ... so much ...
I'm going to the grave to pray for you now dear Momma. Yesterday morning, Aunt Edna and Cousin Rose came by the grave. The funeral home lady came by to inspect the grave marker. I thanked her, and asked her to thank all responsible, for managing to get it placed there the Friday before Christmas. Aunt Edna and Cousin Rosanna both said that they think the marker looks wonderful. So do I. I am so grateful, Lord, and so grateful, Momma. Thank you thank you all.
But oh how I miss you Momma ..............................................
Lord Jesus please please please please please take good care of my Momma ...
I love you Lord Jesus
I love your Most Holy Family
I love my Momma, true if tragic Ikon of your dear Mother, O Lord
I love you all
And am grateful to you all
Charles Delacroix
Sunday within the Octave of Christmas
Feast of the Holy Family
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Pygmalion ... PS I love you
The OETA Movie Club is showing Pygmalion (1938), tonite ... the version with the great Leslie Howard as Henry Higgins, and Wendy Hiller as Eliza Doolittle. See http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0030637/. Frankly, this wouldn't be Mom's favorite version: she and I loved My Fair Lady (1964) http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0058385/ with the redoubtable Rex Harrison as Higgins, and the delightful Audrey Hepburn as Eliza Doolittle. Still, she and I would have talked about Leslie Howard ... a wonderful actor, who Mom and I both most associated with Gone with the Wind (1939) and The Scarlet Pimpernel (1934). What a wonderful actor in particular from the movies that Mom most knew and loved ...
I also saw another movie today ... PS I Love You (2007) http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0431308/ with a delightful Hilary Swank starring. I liked the movie very much ... I'm not sure Mom would have, to be honest, but I liked especially the sense throughout that Life and Death are closely, closely intertwined. The vision of Death affecting everything, the sense of a relationship sundered but not over; the overwhelming Job-like anger and despondency and demands for explanations of the Swank character ... all this of course touches me very deeply.
For what doesn't seem meaningless, valueless, worthless, hopeless, dry and dusty and tasteless ... in this life with Momma no longer here ...
Oh Momma I miss you so so so so much
Oh Lord Jesus please please please please take good care of my dear Momma.
I love you Momma
I love you Jesus
Charles Delacroix
Feast of St Thomas Becket
Eve of the Feast of the Holy Family
PS ... I love you!
I also saw another movie today ... PS I Love You (2007) http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0431308/ with a delightful Hilary Swank starring. I liked the movie very much ... I'm not sure Mom would have, to be honest, but I liked especially the sense throughout that Life and Death are closely, closely intertwined. The vision of Death affecting everything, the sense of a relationship sundered but not over; the overwhelming Job-like anger and despondency and demands for explanations of the Swank character ... all this of course touches me very deeply.
For what doesn't seem meaningless, valueless, worthless, hopeless, dry and dusty and tasteless ... in this life with Momma no longer here ...
Oh Momma I miss you so so so so much
Oh Lord Jesus please please please please take good care of my dear Momma.
I love you Momma
I love you Jesus
Charles Delacroix
Feast of St Thomas Becket
Eve of the Feast of the Holy Family
PS ... I love you!
Thomas Becket, the Holy Family, and the Prettiest Christmas Tree
Today I see is the Commemoration of St Thomas Becket ... Mom & I both loved Becket the movie, and this saint's struggles to be as Wise as a Serpent and Innocent as a Dove I think always resonated for Momma ... as it did, and does, for me.
Tomorrow is Sunday within the Octave of Christmas ... and the Feast of the Holy Family. Oh Momma ... our own ill-starred family may have been far, far from the Holy Family in so many ways ... but oh your courage and your determination and your love and the sheer strength of your efforts to make a family are all to me the greatest of gifts and I feel such deep deep deep gratitude ... thank you Momma oh thank you Momma ... and thank you Lord Jesus for my dear Momma ... and Oh Lord Jesus .... please please please please please ... take good care of my dear Momma ... please ...
Momma, I have the Christmas Tree lit .. and think it's just beautiful, just so lovely and special ... and oh I think I will miss it in a special way ... as we both did every year when it came down ... and Momma oh Momma I do think if you were here that we'd both agree smiling at each other, perhaps with tears in our eyes, that this is the Prettiest Christmas Tree We've Ever Had ...
Oh Momma how I miss you so so so much ...
Chubby is here ...
The Little Pink Piggy is here ...
The Little Blue Monkey is here ...
The Christmas Penguin is here ...
Spooky is here ...
Those Cotton Tailed Bunnies that Aren't Hardly Worth a Nickel are here ...
Our Christmas Tree is here ...
Your beautiful things so full of memories are here ...
And Oh Momma I am here ... I am here ... oh Momma why are you not here ... oh Momma ...
Oh Momma ....
Oh Jesus please take good good care of my Momma ...
I love you Momma I love you so much ... so much ...
I love you Lord Jesus oh I love you so much ...
I love you Momma I miss you so so so so so so so so so so much ...
We all miss you so much ...
Love always,
Charles Delacroix
Feast of St Thomas Becket
Eve of the Feast of the Holy Family
Tomorrow is Sunday within the Octave of Christmas ... and the Feast of the Holy Family. Oh Momma ... our own ill-starred family may have been far, far from the Holy Family in so many ways ... but oh your courage and your determination and your love and the sheer strength of your efforts to make a family are all to me the greatest of gifts and I feel such deep deep deep gratitude ... thank you Momma oh thank you Momma ... and thank you Lord Jesus for my dear Momma ... and Oh Lord Jesus .... please please please please please ... take good care of my dear Momma ... please ...
Momma, I have the Christmas Tree lit .. and think it's just beautiful, just so lovely and special ... and oh I think I will miss it in a special way ... as we both did every year when it came down ... and Momma oh Momma I do think if you were here that we'd both agree smiling at each other, perhaps with tears in our eyes, that this is the Prettiest Christmas Tree We've Ever Had ...
Oh Momma how I miss you so so so much ...
Chubby is here ...
The Little Pink Piggy is here ...
The Little Blue Monkey is here ...
The Christmas Penguin is here ...
Spooky is here ...
Those Cotton Tailed Bunnies that Aren't Hardly Worth a Nickel are here ...
Our Christmas Tree is here ...
Your beautiful things so full of memories are here ...
And Oh Momma I am here ... I am here ... oh Momma why are you not here ... oh Momma ...
Oh Momma ....
Oh Jesus please take good good care of my Momma ...
I love you Momma I love you so much ... so much ...
I love you Lord Jesus oh I love you so much ...
I love you Momma I miss you so so so so so so so so so so much ...
We all miss you so much ...
Love always,
Charles Delacroix
Feast of St Thomas Becket
Eve of the Feast of the Holy Family
Thursday, December 27, 2007
4 Months Since the Funeral
Mom was buried on the Feast of St Monica - August 27; and today, the 4 month anniversary, is the Feast of St John, the Apostle of Love, the special adoptive son vouchesafed to the maternal care of Our Lady by Our Lord Himself as He Hung Dying on the Cross.
oh Momma how I miss you. Everything still seems just so very, very, very bleak. The New Year approaches ... without you ... so ... what's the point?
Oh well ...
Mahlesh ... :-] ...
I love you Momma
I love you Jesus
Please please please please O My Lord Jesus Christ ... take good care of my Momma ...
I love you and miss you so much
Now and always
Charles Delacroix
Feast of St John
oh Momma how I miss you. Everything still seems just so very, very, very bleak. The New Year approaches ... without you ... so ... what's the point?
Oh well ...
Mahlesh ... :-] ...
I love you Momma
I love you Jesus
Please please please please O My Lord Jesus Christ ... take good care of my Momma ...
I love you and miss you so much
Now and always
Charles Delacroix
Feast of St John
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