What I Want

It suddenly occurs to me that what's really driving this WTF business for me is this:

What I want ... everything I want ... is gone. Somewhere else. Not here. Not now. Not here-and-now.

Well. How very different is this from the past? I've always felt that kind of Sehnsucht driving me at some level or another.

But that's the point. Hunger,thirst, longing all can be drivers, can be motivators.

This enormous hole, this enormous absence, this overwhelming lack is leaving me not hungry or thirsty so much as just Not.

Oh God how I miss my Momma. My here-and-now Momma is ... is Not. Just Not.

Not Here

Not Now

Not Here-and-Now

My name may as well be Not.

Maybe it is. Doesn't Revelation say that in the Resurrection we receive a stone with our True Name on it.

Maybe my name is Not.

There is another name though for Not isn't there.

Oh God there is another name for that vast arid emptiness that seems nothing but pain and that is simply me ... me being Not.

But Christ Crucified is by the Cross of Suffering rendered Not at some level isn't He.

And on Good Friday ... all is stripped away and He is Not anything but pain and suffering pouring forth from His Cross

And on Holy Saturday ... O Lord You are Dead, Dead in a Tomb, you are Not, you are emptiness and waiting and vast, vast death ... in the Dead Heart of Jesus

So ...

So this isn't it seems such a bad place to be

If it's Calvary with You Lord, or if it's the Tomb with You Lord

Then it can't be such a bad place to be at all

So I am Not, I am Dead, I am Naught, I am gaping devastation ...

Responding as best I can to the gaping horror and devastation of your passing Momma ...

Well then

It all fits really

O God

O God it hurts so much

O God then it's right. It's wrong but it's right. It's the Cross of Christ.

So Dame Julian of Norwich is right.

All will be well and all will be well and all will be most well

But in the meantime ... before the "will be" becomes the "is" ...

Here I am in the Dead Heart of Jesus

Here I am on the Way of the Cross

Here it hurts it hurts it hurts

But it doesn't hurt alone ...

Oh Jesus oh Job oh Qoheleth

Not alone at least

Oh God havfe mercy on me a sinner.

Charles "Not" Delacroix