Mother's Day

Two days ago was my 2nd Mother's Day since Momma died. I think it was harder than the first because Spooky wasn't here. Spooky was Momma's dog, a very old dog who lived on till about 6 months ago. I remember taking Spooky to visit Momma's grave last Mother's Day. I talked to Spooky about Momma all the time and although I have no idea what she understood and what she didn't I know she missed Momma. We both missed Momma. Well, on this Mother's Day, I couldn't get out at all all day except to visit Momma and somehow Spooky not being there hurt so much. But then everything hurt so much. Everything hurts so much since she's not here.

I had a hard time getting up yesterday and finally decided to call in sick and take a mental health day. Not ideal I know but I think I needed a recovery day. I was been looking at pictures of Momma and remembering all kinds of things and keep wondering why she's not here. The flowers on the bush out front are blooming and the honeysuckle in back is blooming and if she were here we would be talking about the flowers and now I'm wondering why in the world the flowers are blooming since she's not here. I mean I know there's an objective reason for everything. God's blessings were in her and around her and around me and throughout this world as throughout the universe. But I wasn't feeling objective. I finally got out and saw a movie and that helped a little.

I'm still struggling with this overwhelming sense of wondering why anything is since she's not here. I finally got myself to take a shower yesterday night and God willing was able to get myself in to work somehow today. But I have a hard time knowing why. I keep wondering what is the point. Except that she would want me to. That's really what keeps one foot in front of the other since she's been gone. She would want me to put one foot in front of the other. That does keep me going. Because she would want me to keep going. And in her I saw Mary and in her I think I was hearing the most basic, natural, primal word of God. Natural law reflecting divine law. Natural love as an ikon of God's love.

I'm actually feeling better tonite than last night; and felt better last night than the night before. I mean I felt really really lousy last night but that's better than the previous night when I just felt so horrible I didn't know I felt lousy because Momma's gone. Don't know if that makes any sense at all but that's the way it was and is. But God it just hurts so much.

Last night I finally got out to go over to McDonald's and eat some cherry pie and drink some coffee and read a book a little. The cherry pie was of course nothing in the world like her cherry pie. Nobody could make cherry pie like Momma. But I hadn't heard human voices most of the weekend, it's been just me here, and sometimes it helps to go sit at McDonald's for me, then at least I can hear a few human voices.

Then I went home and got some sleep. I didn't get much sleep the previous night, so I felt pretty tired and think that helped me get to sleep last night. She would want me to get my sleep. And then to work in the morning.

God I miss her so much. Everything reminds me of her and everything seems wrong without her. I'll keep on going for now because it seems even more wrong not to. But nothing seems right with Momma gone. I miss her so much.

Lord have mercy.
Christ have mercy.
Lord have mercy.

I love you Jesus. Of Your Divine Love and Courtesy, be good to my good Momma.

I love you.

Charles Delacroix
Feast of Ss Nereus & Achilleus and St Pancras