There are so many beautiful, moving tributes to Wm F Buckley Jr at the readers' tribute site ... http://rememberingwfb.nationalreview.com/ Here's one that especially speaks to my heart:
A Friend I've Never Met
Like many Americans these days, I get my first news each morning via the Internet. And like so many others, this means first clicking on National Review On-line. So it was most fitting this morning that I learned of Bill Buckley's death from your brief news alert.
I spent much of today reminiscing about the loss of a friend who I never met personally. I am one of the thousands of Americans Mr. Buckley touched in a deep and abiding way through his singular eloquence and signature erudition in untiring advocacy of conservative ideals and values. In the mid 1970s, though newly married and beginning to make my own way in the world, I found myself seemingly without the companionship of others who thought and felt as I did. Then I happened upon a copy of National Review, and found Bill Buckley and his sterling company of like-minded associates.
I had been thinking of Mr. Buckley the past several days. This is about the time of year that I begin looking for his remarkable solicitations for financial support. I will miss receiving these letters. Although I was able to respond only a few times the past 30 years, it was not for lack of wanting, or caring. I will miss these solicitations so very dearly, as I will miss him.
One year ago this week, my beloved paternal father died. Today, my beloved intellectual father died. Tomorrow, I turn 60. As the years inexorably pass, it begins to seem like death is not only not final, but is not lonely, either.
Randy Mazzeo, Martinsburg, West Virginia
Thanks, Mr Mazzeo ... for a moving tribute that speaks for me as well as for you.
Charles Delacroix
Friday in the 3rd Week of Lent
Friday, February 29, 2008
"Gratitude for those who have cared for us"
Rich Lowry's remembrance of William F. Buckley, Jr is titled "Gratitude" ... and includes this wonderful excerpt from Buckley himself ...“We need a rebirth of gratitude for those who have cared for us, living and, mostly, dead. The high moments of our way of life are their gifts to us. We must remember them in our thoughts and in our prayers; and in our deeds.” http://article.nationalreview.com/?q=NTExN2Y0N2Y5ZDAwN2U0MGYwNjc1NTViODNjZjY0NTQ=
Yes yes yes ... thank you once again Mr Buckley ... and thank you thank you thank you my dearest Momma ...
Yes yes yes ... thank you once again Mr Buckley ... and thank you thank you thank you my dearest Momma ...
Thursday, February 28, 2008
William F Buckley, Jr, R.I.P.
I just can hardly believe WFB has passed away.
He was of the same generation of Momma ... he was born in 1925, and Momma in 1921.
Oh God I can hardly believe how hard this all is ...
I love you Jesus ... and I love you and thank you for Momma ... and for WFB ...
I was one of thousands who have sent reactions to NRO ... here's my letter:
Dear Sir or Madam:
I heard the news about William F. Buckley, Jr's death last night as I was driving home from work. I started crying and couldn't stop crying for seeming hours. I still can hardly believe it. And here I am starting to cry again.
Yet the thought of his passing brings to me as many tears of gratitude as tears of sadness. I am deeply, deeply grateful for what this man has given to me. I have never met him in person; I have never corresponded with him. Yet I feel almost as I did when my dear mother died last year.
I was a callow 18 year old McGovernite, in 1972, my Freshman year at Vanderbilt University in Nashville, when I first encountered Mr Buckley's writings. Somehow I had found myself reading a copy of National Review in the library. It wasn't long before I bid leftism farewell forever. In about 1973 or 1974, I first subscribed to NR, and have been a continuous subscriber since then. Somewhere about the time I started reading NR, I was reading every book Mr Buckley wrote that I could get my hands on. I became an avid Firing Line viewer, and often wrote off for transcripts, which still fill out my large Buckley collection. I read not only his work, but the works of many, many others to whom he led me. I think Mr Buckley's enormous courtesy, as well as his intelligence and sharpness of wit, were I think what captivated me from the beginning. I read every one of his collections of columns, and later his sailing books, and a few of his novels. What a delight it was, and is, to read almost anything he wrote on any subject at all that piqued his interest. His books occupy a special and honored place in my library. All are such a delight; but I have to single out for myself his Odyssey of a Friend, chock full of the deeply moving Buckley-Chambers friendship, as one of my all time favorite books by anybody, anywhere, anytime.
Oh and now he is gone. What a loss, what an irreplaceable loss.
Yet at the same time what blessings he bestowed on me as on so many, many others. I can only hope and pray that it might be my privilege to meet him some day in a far better place than this vale of tears ... and vale of gratitude.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, Mr Buckley. Now and always.
Sincerely and respectfully,
Charles
PS Rest in Peace. Eternal rest grant unto them, O Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon them.
He was of the same generation of Momma ... he was born in 1925, and Momma in 1921.
Oh God I can hardly believe how hard this all is ...
I love you Jesus ... and I love you and thank you for Momma ... and for WFB ...
I was one of thousands who have sent reactions to NRO ... here's my letter:
Dear Sir or Madam:
I heard the news about William F. Buckley, Jr's death last night as I was driving home from work. I started crying and couldn't stop crying for seeming hours. I still can hardly believe it. And here I am starting to cry again.
Yet the thought of his passing brings to me as many tears of gratitude as tears of sadness. I am deeply, deeply grateful for what this man has given to me. I have never met him in person; I have never corresponded with him. Yet I feel almost as I did when my dear mother died last year.
I was a callow 18 year old McGovernite, in 1972, my Freshman year at Vanderbilt University in Nashville, when I first encountered Mr Buckley's writings. Somehow I had found myself reading a copy of National Review in the library. It wasn't long before I bid leftism farewell forever. In about 1973 or 1974, I first subscribed to NR, and have been a continuous subscriber since then. Somewhere about the time I started reading NR, I was reading every book Mr Buckley wrote that I could get my hands on. I became an avid Firing Line viewer, and often wrote off for transcripts, which still fill out my large Buckley collection. I read not only his work, but the works of many, many others to whom he led me. I think Mr Buckley's enormous courtesy, as well as his intelligence and sharpness of wit, were I think what captivated me from the beginning. I read every one of his collections of columns, and later his sailing books, and a few of his novels. What a delight it was, and is, to read almost anything he wrote on any subject at all that piqued his interest. His books occupy a special and honored place in my library. All are such a delight; but I have to single out for myself his Odyssey of a Friend, chock full of the deeply moving Buckley-Chambers friendship, as one of my all time favorite books by anybody, anywhere, anytime.
Oh and now he is gone. What a loss, what an irreplaceable loss.
Yet at the same time what blessings he bestowed on me as on so many, many others. I can only hope and pray that it might be my privilege to meet him some day in a far better place than this vale of tears ... and vale of gratitude.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, Mr Buckley. Now and always.
Sincerely and respectfully,
Charles
PS Rest in Peace. Eternal rest grant unto them, O Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon them.
6 months
6 months since your burial Momma ... oh oh oh ...
God have mercy on me ...
Oh Jesus please please please take good care of my Momma
God have mercy on me ...
Oh Jesus please please please take good care of my Momma
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Aching Aching Aching ... it just plain hurts ...
Oh Momma ...
Such a quiet quiet morning ... no breeze ... a bit cold, not freezing ... overcast, but not raining ...
Quiet at the cemetery ... so so so so quiet ...
I was aching the whole time ...
And then at the store I walked past that display of the little blueberry cinnamon muffins we always got ... you loved those so ... I haven't been able to get them since ... and still haven't ... but oh I could feel my sides actually aching, aching, aching as I walked past ... why aren't you here o Momma ... we would have loved these little muffins wouldn't we o Momma ... oh God how my whole body just aches and aches and aches ...
I did buy some bananas though ... it was hard ... I guess this is the first time Momma since you died ... oh Momma ... how horrible everything is without you here ...
I need to remember that this is 6 months ... 2 days ago was the 6 month Anniversary of your death on August 22 ... 3 days hence will be the 6 month Anniversary of your burial on August 27 ... and now ... now ... now, Here and Now ... is this horrible horrible time between Alpha and Omega ... not between Good Friday and Easter, but between Good Friday and Holy Saturday ... this life of Holy Saturday is in so many ways horrible but comprehensible ... a Dead God lying on a cold slab in a Tom is horrible but at least in a way comprehensible under the paschal light of the Holy Week that is Time ... but really this feels more like that cold, dark night of Good Friday ... a cold form crumbled and alone on a Cross before Nicodemus and the men and women have arrived, before the Tomb has been opened for You O Lord ...
O O O how it hurts ... it hurts ...
It hurts O Lord it hurts Momma it hurts
Oh God ... oh God ... oh in You is ALL my Hope, my Only Hope ...
Oh Jesus My Sole Hope have mercy on me and be with me O help me in my hour of need ...
I love you Momma
I love you Jesus
I love you
Such a quiet quiet morning ... no breeze ... a bit cold, not freezing ... overcast, but not raining ...
Quiet at the cemetery ... so so so so quiet ...
I was aching the whole time ...
And then at the store I walked past that display of the little blueberry cinnamon muffins we always got ... you loved those so ... I haven't been able to get them since ... and still haven't ... but oh I could feel my sides actually aching, aching, aching as I walked past ... why aren't you here o Momma ... we would have loved these little muffins wouldn't we o Momma ... oh God how my whole body just aches and aches and aches ...
I did buy some bananas though ... it was hard ... I guess this is the first time Momma since you died ... oh Momma ... how horrible everything is without you here ...
I need to remember that this is 6 months ... 2 days ago was the 6 month Anniversary of your death on August 22 ... 3 days hence will be the 6 month Anniversary of your burial on August 27 ... and now ... now ... now, Here and Now ... is this horrible horrible time between Alpha and Omega ... not between Good Friday and Easter, but between Good Friday and Holy Saturday ... this life of Holy Saturday is in so many ways horrible but comprehensible ... a Dead God lying on a cold slab in a Tom is horrible but at least in a way comprehensible under the paschal light of the Holy Week that is Time ... but really this feels more like that cold, dark night of Good Friday ... a cold form crumbled and alone on a Cross before Nicodemus and the men and women have arrived, before the Tomb has been opened for You O Lord ...
O O O how it hurts ... it hurts ...
It hurts O Lord it hurts Momma it hurts
Oh God ... oh God ... oh in You is ALL my Hope, my Only Hope ...
Oh Jesus My Sole Hope have mercy on me and be with me O help me in my hour of need ...
I love you Momma
I love you Jesus
I love you
Oh God it hurts so much
It does it just hurts so much
So much
So much
O help me Lord to keep my eyes on Your Cross
On Your Way of the Cross
On Your Lenten Journey of pain and hurt
You said that a bruised reed You will not break
You said that a smoldering wick You will not quench
Oh Lord
I come before you a bruised reed and a smoldering wick
Oh Lord
Of Your Courtesy
Help me
Oh how it hurts
Oh how it hurts
Oh I miss her so so much
Oh God it hurts so much
So much
So much
O help me Lord to keep my eyes on Your Cross
On Your Way of the Cross
On Your Lenten Journey of pain and hurt
You said that a bruised reed You will not break
You said that a smoldering wick You will not quench
Oh Lord
I come before you a bruised reed and a smoldering wick
Oh Lord
Of Your Courtesy
Help me
Oh how it hurts
Oh how it hurts
Oh I miss her so so much
Oh God it hurts so much
Horrible, Horrible Catastophe
How else really to describe it ...
The pain is extraordinary, horrible ... and yet ... and yet ... it would be worse not to be in pain ...
Worse not to see catastrophe for what it is
Worse not to see horror for what it is
Momma I woke up this morning remembering so, so, so vividly what it was like to hug you and give you Coos. And I cried and cried and cried. Oh to be able to hug you and give you a Coo and bring you your tea.
I guess this email last night is what did it. A friend had announced in an online discussion group that his mother had died. Such a moving announcement. I had responded with condolences and recalled your own passing last August. He in turn responded and expressed hope that my own dear mother had greeted his own dear mother as she arrived in Heaven, and that there were hugs and welcome and laughter and joy in that greeting.
Oh Momma Oh Momma Oh Momma may it be so ... oh oh oh oh oh how I miss your hugs ...
From day one though thinking of you in Heaven has just been so so so so so hard ...
I know by God's Grace you must ... oh you must ... surely be there ... or on your way there ... at all events in a far far better place than here ...
I know ... but but but it just doesn't connect for me ... I don't know why ...
What connects for me is your absence here not your presence there ...
Oh oh oh oh I am truly ... truly happy for you ... that you are there ...
Oh oh oh oh but I'm lying, Momma, I'm lying ... I wish you were here ... oh in my head I am "intentionally" tho not by God emotionally glad you are there ...
But i miss you here
I miss you here
I miss you here so so so so so much
Oh God
Oh God
Oh Momma
Oh God of Your Divine Wondrous and Loving Courtesy please
please please please please please
take good care of my good Momma
Oh Lord Jesus have mercy on me
Oh Holy Mary Mother of God, Mother of Mothers, intercede for my dear Momma
And pray for me O Holy Mother of God
Now and at the hour of my death
Amen
I love you Momma
I love you Mary
I love you Joseph
I love you Jesus
I love you
Charles Delacroix
3rd Sunday of Lent
The pain is extraordinary, horrible ... and yet ... and yet ... it would be worse not to be in pain ...
Worse not to see catastrophe for what it is
Worse not to see horror for what it is
Momma I woke up this morning remembering so, so, so vividly what it was like to hug you and give you Coos. And I cried and cried and cried. Oh to be able to hug you and give you a Coo and bring you your tea.
I guess this email last night is what did it. A friend had announced in an online discussion group that his mother had died. Such a moving announcement. I had responded with condolences and recalled your own passing last August. He in turn responded and expressed hope that my own dear mother had greeted his own dear mother as she arrived in Heaven, and that there were hugs and welcome and laughter and joy in that greeting.
Oh Momma Oh Momma Oh Momma may it be so ... oh oh oh oh oh how I miss your hugs ...
From day one though thinking of you in Heaven has just been so so so so so hard ...
I know by God's Grace you must ... oh you must ... surely be there ... or on your way there ... at all events in a far far better place than here ...
I know ... but but but it just doesn't connect for me ... I don't know why ...
What connects for me is your absence here not your presence there ...
Oh oh oh oh I am truly ... truly happy for you ... that you are there ...
Oh oh oh oh but I'm lying, Momma, I'm lying ... I wish you were here ... oh in my head I am "intentionally" tho not by God emotionally glad you are there ...
But i miss you here
I miss you here
I miss you here so so so so so much
Oh God
Oh God
Oh Momma
Oh God of Your Divine Wondrous and Loving Courtesy please
please please please please please
take good care of my good Momma
Oh Lord Jesus have mercy on me
Oh Holy Mary Mother of God, Mother of Mothers, intercede for my dear Momma
And pray for me O Holy Mother of God
Now and at the hour of my death
Amen
I love you Momma
I love you Mary
I love you Joseph
I love you Jesus
I love you
Charles Delacroix
3rd Sunday of Lent
Saturday, February 23, 2008
The Ghost and Mrs Muir (1947)
The Ghost and Mrs Muir (1947) http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0039420/ ... what a wonderful, wonderful, moving movie ... I've been sitting here watching it on the OETA Movie Club ... and oh Momma it's just a lovely, beautiful story ... and so very, very, well, "period" ... it's so the kind of thing that your generation wrote and watched and enjoyed just after World War II ... oh Momma ...
And now at the end of the movie, BJ Wexler is lauding the movie and recommending that if we would like to know more about Rex Harrison, he recommends Alexander Walker's The Life of Rex Harrison ... and hey, I just may try to get it. We'd talk about BJ Wexler, he's not wearing a very loud shirt tonite, is he, Momma? But we'd agree that that book about Rex Harrison would probably be a fun book to look at ...
And now the 2nd movie of the night ... T-Men (1947) http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0039881/ ... looks good, Momma, but if you were here, sitting in your chair, I'd be saying that this looks good but that I doubt if I can stay awake to watch it. And you'd agree and say, let's turn it off and turn in.
And we would ... and I'd say, "Night night Momma!" And you'd say, "Good night, my son." And I'd give you a Coo. And we'd go to sleep.
And oh oh oh oh oh ... Momma ... Momma I miss you so much ...
And now at the end of the movie, BJ Wexler is lauding the movie and recommending that if we would like to know more about Rex Harrison, he recommends Alexander Walker's The Life of Rex Harrison ... and hey, I just may try to get it. We'd talk about BJ Wexler, he's not wearing a very loud shirt tonite, is he, Momma? But we'd agree that that book about Rex Harrison would probably be a fun book to look at ...
And now the 2nd movie of the night ... T-Men (1947) http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0039881/ ... looks good, Momma, but if you were here, sitting in your chair, I'd be saying that this looks good but that I doubt if I can stay awake to watch it. And you'd agree and say, let's turn it off and turn in.
And we would ... and I'd say, "Night night Momma!" And you'd say, "Good night, my son." And I'd give you a Coo. And we'd go to sleep.
And oh oh oh oh oh ... Momma ... Momma I miss you so much ...
Home
I've been working tonite, Momma, on trying to find out more about buying my sister's interest in our Home ... oh Momma I do hope things work out ... I want to stay here in your Home, our Home, my Home ... still Spooky's Home ... the Home of "those cotton-tailed bunnies that aren't hardly worth a nickel" ... the Home of our birdies and our bushes and our "yittle twee" in the back yard ...
Momma, I saw two blue jays this morning in the back yard ... oh if you were here how we would have talked about them ...
I keep thinking about that wonderful, wonderful movie Atonement http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0783233/ ... really all about you and your generation, Momma, in so many ways, at so many levels ...
I saw a large funeral party at the cemetery tonite Momma ... a Saturday evening funeral ... and I thought of how small yours was in comparison ... oh how painful at one level ... to think that you, who had such a life, a life that mattered so much ... ended so ill recognized ... but ... but ... but all things pass and I know O Lord that this is our end all alike in so many ways, in all ways ... in 100 years all of our graves of those now here, including mine of course, will be forgotten ...
Oh my ... like grass we are here today and gone tomorrow ... the Office for the Dead is so right ...
And now ... now what have I to live for ... except to take things one day at a time one hour at a time one minute at a time ... till the day that if God allows me I might be allowed to see you again ... oh how I miss you ...
Momma now I'm sitting here watching the OETA Movie Club ... they're showing The Ghost and Mrs Muir (1947) http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0039420/ ... I've never seen it, Momma, though I've heard of it again and again ... I'll bet you've seen it Momma ... oh if you were here we would watch this together and you would sip your hot tea and we would talk about this ... and about Rex Harrison and Gene Tierney ... oh Momma how I miss you ...
Oh Momma I do miss you so ...
Oh Lord Jesus I miss her so ...
Oh please please please lord Jesus ... please take good care of my good Momma ...
I love you Momma
I love you Jesus
I love you
Charles Delacroix
Feast of St Polycarp
Momma, I saw two blue jays this morning in the back yard ... oh if you were here how we would have talked about them ...
I keep thinking about that wonderful, wonderful movie Atonement http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0783233/ ... really all about you and your generation, Momma, in so many ways, at so many levels ...
I saw a large funeral party at the cemetery tonite Momma ... a Saturday evening funeral ... and I thought of how small yours was in comparison ... oh how painful at one level ... to think that you, who had such a life, a life that mattered so much ... ended so ill recognized ... but ... but ... but all things pass and I know O Lord that this is our end all alike in so many ways, in all ways ... in 100 years all of our graves of those now here, including mine of course, will be forgotten ...
Oh my ... like grass we are here today and gone tomorrow ... the Office for the Dead is so right ...
And now ... now what have I to live for ... except to take things one day at a time one hour at a time one minute at a time ... till the day that if God allows me I might be allowed to see you again ... oh how I miss you ...
Momma now I'm sitting here watching the OETA Movie Club ... they're showing The Ghost and Mrs Muir (1947) http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0039420/ ... I've never seen it, Momma, though I've heard of it again and again ... I'll bet you've seen it Momma ... oh if you were here we would watch this together and you would sip your hot tea and we would talk about this ... and about Rex Harrison and Gene Tierney ... oh Momma how I miss you ...
Oh Momma I do miss you so ...
Oh Lord Jesus I miss her so ...
Oh please please please lord Jesus ... please take good care of my good Momma ...
I love you Momma
I love you Jesus
I love you
Charles Delacroix
Feast of St Polycarp
Friday, February 22, 2008
6 Months ... on the Feast of the Chair of St Peter
Oh what a day.
Momma I'm so so so .... I miss you Momma ...
Hard day but this morning I think at least it was a gift to be praying the OOR for today's Feast of the Chari of St Peter. Which directs attention to the foundation & basis & roots ... all of which feel so absent with you gone, Momma ... but which perhaps at another level are to be seen to be absent indeed for this world ... and present only in the Church, the Church that is really the basis of everything as Christ the Head of the Body that subsists in hte Church ....
Oh Momma oh Momma oh Momma ...
Oh Lord Jesus Christ ....
Oh Lord Jesus take good, good, good care of your Mercy good care of my good Momma.
In Our Lord's Name,
Charles Delacroix
Feast of the Chair of St Peter
Momma I'm so so so .... I miss you Momma ...
Hard day but this morning I think at least it was a gift to be praying the OOR for today's Feast of the Chari of St Peter. Which directs attention to the foundation & basis & roots ... all of which feel so absent with you gone, Momma ... but which perhaps at another level are to be seen to be absent indeed for this world ... and present only in the Church, the Church that is really the basis of everything as Christ the Head of the Body that subsists in hte Church ....
Oh Momma oh Momma oh Momma ...
Oh Lord Jesus Christ ....
Oh Lord Jesus take good, good, good care of your Mercy good care of my good Momma.
In Our Lord's Name,
Charles Delacroix
Feast of the Chair of St Peter
Thursday, February 21, 2008
I've been sick but feel better
They warned me that after about the 6 month anniversary of Mom's Death, I would have a weakened immune system ... and sure enough I've been battling an off & on cold for almost 2 weeks.
Very ill Tue & Wed ... but better now by God's Grace.
Oh Momma ... but tomorrow ... tomorrow indeed is the 6 month anniversary ... oh I do miss you so so so so much ...
Love,
Charles Lee
Feast of St Peter Damian
Very ill Tue & Wed ... but better now by God's Grace.
Oh Momma ... but tomorrow ... tomorrow indeed is the 6 month anniversary ... oh I do miss you so so so so much ...
Love,
Charles Lee
Feast of St Peter Damian
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
The Beagle Won
Well that's what the newspaper said ...
And I had to think, looking at the photo ... http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/02/12/beagle.best.in.show.ap/ Momma you would love this ... and we would both agree, wouldn't we, that it was high time such a noble dog had won Best in Show at Westminster ... :-)
I miss you so much Momma ...
I miss you so much ...
I love you and I miss you so much ...
Lord Jesus Christ
Please please please please please
Take good care of my good Momma ...
Holy Mary Mother of God Pray for us Sinners ...
I love you
Charles Delacroix
Eve of St Peter Damien
And I had to think, looking at the photo ... http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/02/12/beagle.best.in.show.ap/ Momma you would love this ... and we would both agree, wouldn't we, that it was high time such a noble dog had won Best in Show at Westminster ... :-)
I miss you so much Momma ...
I miss you so much ...
I love you and I miss you so much ...
Lord Jesus Christ
Please please please please please
Take good care of my good Momma ...
Holy Mary Mother of God Pray for us Sinners ...
I love you
Charles Delacroix
Eve of St Peter Damien
Monday, February 18, 2008
Goodbye to Mom's Wheelchair
Picked up today ... and strangely so emotional. She used it from late March till her death in late August. That's 5 months. It was a small wheelchair, selected for its small size ... and she liked it much better for getting around than Uncle Arthur's old larger wheelchair.
Oh Momma ...
Oh Momma ...
Oh Momma ...
How I miss you Momma ...
I love you and miss you so much
Oh I do so ... so miss you ...
Momma
Oh Momma ...
Oh Momma ...
Oh Momma ...
How I miss you Momma ...
I love you and miss you so much
Oh I do so ... so miss you ...
Momma
Saturday, February 16, 2008
I just don't know ..
... how people do it ...
I saw Differently, Maybe http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0832266/ yesterday, and Spiderwick Chronicles http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0416236/ today, and Jumper http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0489099/ 2 days ago on Thursday night ... Valentine's Day ... and in all of these things like Family and Memory and Motherhood and Fatherhood and the Past and People in the Past ... all of these just seem to crowd into me and I'm left feeling what ... Bereft and Grateful and Wondering ... Wondering How People Do It ... how do people survive such enormous losses ... and survive ... and grieve ... and somehow find some reason to go on .... it's just amazing, amazing, amazing to me ... O God what amazing, wonderful people You have made ... how wondrous are the Sons and Daughters of Adam and Eve ...
And me? How do I go on? I .... I just don't see how really ... O Lord ... I'm here and won't leave till You will of course ... strange though ... life feels pointless and futile, and death feels pointless and futile ... so what is there for me to do? But just ... go on ... one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time ... until that day and that hour and that minute that You in Your Grace decide to Call me from this world ... till then ... I walk and talk and eat and sleep and ... well ... I'll just keep on ... Momma you would want it no other way ... but O ... O O O O Momma ... how I miss you ... and can't find much to do with you not here ... and can't find much point in doing anything with you not here ...
Except indeed to work and work through the estate process with love and integrity and honor and hope that I can stay here in your home, our home, for the only thing worse than looking over at your chair and not seeing you there, is not looking over at the chair and not seeing you there ...
Besides ... I did promise you, Momma, didn't I, that I would take good care of Spooky ... :-) ... but O Momma ... we both, me and Spooky, we both miss you so so so so much ... I do take good care of her ... I need to get her some more dogfood, probably tomorrow ... but Momma I keep her well fed and she has plenty of water and I pet her and talk to her and we go for walks we do ... but Oh Momma nothing here is the same without you ... and me and Spooky ... we do miss you so.
Oh Momma ... what a rainy, rainy, dreary Saturday this is ... you wouldn't like the weather ... you would want to be inside, warm, dry, with a cup of tea beside your chair ... but ... but your chair is empty of you Momma ... oh Momma ... I miss you so so so so much ....
I love you Momma
I love you Lord Jesus
O Please pleaes please please please Lord Jesus
Take good care of my good Momma
I love you all
Thank you thank you thank you ... for Momma ... for everything
Charles Delacroix
Eve of the 2nd Sunday in Lent
I saw Differently, Maybe http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0832266/ yesterday, and Spiderwick Chronicles http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0416236/ today, and Jumper http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0489099/ 2 days ago on Thursday night ... Valentine's Day ... and in all of these things like Family and Memory and Motherhood and Fatherhood and the Past and People in the Past ... all of these just seem to crowd into me and I'm left feeling what ... Bereft and Grateful and Wondering ... Wondering How People Do It ... how do people survive such enormous losses ... and survive ... and grieve ... and somehow find some reason to go on .... it's just amazing, amazing, amazing to me ... O God what amazing, wonderful people You have made ... how wondrous are the Sons and Daughters of Adam and Eve ...
And me? How do I go on? I .... I just don't see how really ... O Lord ... I'm here and won't leave till You will of course ... strange though ... life feels pointless and futile, and death feels pointless and futile ... so what is there for me to do? But just ... go on ... one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time ... until that day and that hour and that minute that You in Your Grace decide to Call me from this world ... till then ... I walk and talk and eat and sleep and ... well ... I'll just keep on ... Momma you would want it no other way ... but O ... O O O O Momma ... how I miss you ... and can't find much to do with you not here ... and can't find much point in doing anything with you not here ...
Except indeed to work and work through the estate process with love and integrity and honor and hope that I can stay here in your home, our home, for the only thing worse than looking over at your chair and not seeing you there, is not looking over at the chair and not seeing you there ...
Besides ... I did promise you, Momma, didn't I, that I would take good care of Spooky ... :-) ... but O Momma ... we both, me and Spooky, we both miss you so so so so much ... I do take good care of her ... I need to get her some more dogfood, probably tomorrow ... but Momma I keep her well fed and she has plenty of water and I pet her and talk to her and we go for walks we do ... but Oh Momma nothing here is the same without you ... and me and Spooky ... we do miss you so.
Oh Momma ... what a rainy, rainy, dreary Saturday this is ... you wouldn't like the weather ... you would want to be inside, warm, dry, with a cup of tea beside your chair ... but ... but your chair is empty of you Momma ... oh Momma ... I miss you so so so so much ....
I love you Momma
I love you Lord Jesus
O Please pleaes please please please Lord Jesus
Take good care of my good Momma
I love you all
Thank you thank you thank you ... for Momma ... for everything
Charles Delacroix
Eve of the 2nd Sunday in Lent
Friday, February 15, 2008
Mother Dearest, Mother Fairest
An old Marian hymn posted on another website captured my heart. Of course reading this made me think of you, Momma. Oh Momma.
And O Mary, Holy Mary, Mother of God
pray for our mothers ... pray for my Momma ....
MOTHER DEAREST, MOTHER FAIREST Wreath of Mary, 1883
1. Mother dearest, Mother fairest, Help of all who call on thee.
Virgin purest, brightest, rarest, Help us, help, we cry to thee.
CHORUS: Mary, help us, help, we pray. Mary, help us, help, we pray.
Help us in all care and sorrow: Mary, help us, help, we pray.
2. Lady, help in pain and sorrow, Soothe those racked on beds of pain;
May the golden light of morrow, Bring them health and joy again.
CHORUS: Mary, help us, help, we pray. Mary, help us, help, we pray.
Help us in all care and sorrow: Mary, help us, help, we pray.
And O Mary, Holy Mary, Mother of God
pray for our mothers ... pray for my Momma ....
MOTHER DEAREST, MOTHER FAIREST Wreath of Mary, 1883
1. Mother dearest, Mother fairest, Help of all who call on thee.
Virgin purest, brightest, rarest, Help us, help, we cry to thee.
CHORUS: Mary, help us, help, we pray. Mary, help us, help, we pray.
Help us in all care and sorrow: Mary, help us, help, we pray.
2. Lady, help in pain and sorrow, Soothe those racked on beds of pain;
May the golden light of morrow, Bring them health and joy again.
CHORUS: Mary, help us, help, we pray. Mary, help us, help, we pray.
Help us in all care and sorrow: Mary, help us, help, we pray.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Eating with a Staff in Your Hand
Today's OOR Reading 1 is from that wonderful passage in Exodus in which God instructs Israel as to how they are to act during the upcoming Passover of the Lord.
The meal-taking of the Hebrews is to be conducted with the haste and contingency of the alien or exile, of the journeyor or pilgrim: "You shall eat it like this: with a girdle round your waist, sandals on your feet, a staff in your hand. You shall eat it hastily: it is a passover in honour of the Lord." http://www.universalis.com/20080214/readings.htm
Yes indeed. Maybe that's why we all ... or so very many of us ... feel as we do about our Mothers. We are from birth aliens. Only our mothers show us how to conduct ourselves in this brief, brief twilight journey from birth to dying. We are born on the march, we live on the march, we die ... on the march.
I heard something of mothers I never heard before: "Mothers are so special that even God wanted his very own mother."
Oh yes ... oh Lord Jesus ... oh please please please please take good care of my good Momma ...
Charles Delacroix
Ss Cyril & Methodius
The meal-taking of the Hebrews is to be conducted with the haste and contingency of the alien or exile, of the journeyor or pilgrim: "You shall eat it like this: with a girdle round your waist, sandals on your feet, a staff in your hand. You shall eat it hastily: it is a passover in honour of the Lord." http://www.universalis.com/20080214/readings.htm
Yes indeed. Maybe that's why we all ... or so very many of us ... feel as we do about our Mothers. We are from birth aliens. Only our mothers show us how to conduct ourselves in this brief, brief twilight journey from birth to dying. We are born on the march, we live on the march, we die ... on the march.
I heard something of mothers I never heard before: "Mothers are so special that even God wanted his very own mother."
Oh yes ... oh Lord Jesus ... oh please please please please take good care of my good Momma ...
Charles Delacroix
Ss Cyril & Methodius
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Wrong
This morning everything feels once again so wrong, wrong, wrong.
I look at your chair and you are not there.
I look at your "boolee boolee boolee" cushion and you aren't there to hold it.
Chubby is here ... but you are not here.
Spooky is here ... but you are not here.
Your things are here ... but you are not here.
Oh Momma I miss you so so so so so so so so so so so so s oso so so so much ...
Everything is wrong
Everything feels wrong
Everything is torn and rent and sundered and divided and shredded and wrong, wrong, wrong
O Lord Jesus through Your Grace
Restore the wrong
Make things right
Restore all things in Christ
You who are Hope of hte Hopelsss, be my Hope
You who are Love for the Lovelorn, be my Love
Oh Lord Jesus Christ Have Mercy on me a sinner.
And please please please
Take good care of my good Momma
Oh Momma I miss you so much
Charles Delacroix
Wednesday on the First Week of Lent
Eve of Ss Cyril & Methodius
I look at your chair and you are not there.
I look at your "boolee boolee boolee" cushion and you aren't there to hold it.
Chubby is here ... but you are not here.
Spooky is here ... but you are not here.
Your things are here ... but you are not here.
Oh Momma I miss you so so so so so so so so so so so so s oso so so so much ...
Everything is wrong
Everything feels wrong
Everything is torn and rent and sundered and divided and shredded and wrong, wrong, wrong
O Lord Jesus through Your Grace
Restore the wrong
Make things right
Restore all things in Christ
You who are Hope of hte Hopelsss, be my Hope
You who are Love for the Lovelorn, be my Love
Oh Lord Jesus Christ Have Mercy on me a sinner.
And please please please
Take good care of my good Momma
Oh Momma I miss you so much
Charles Delacroix
Wednesday on the First Week of Lent
Eve of Ss Cyril & Methodius
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Lent, Egypt, and Grief
I forgot to mention Momma ... one thing I've always really loved about Lent ... at least those times that I've been practicing wiht the DO ... is the OOR for Lent that always grounds our Lenten journey in the events leading up to the Exodus from Egypt.
The 1st Reading has been daily a wonderful reminder of how really little I have to complain about ... hey, I'm not a slave in Egypt being lashed to meet impossible expectations and being whipped each time I acted in simple Obedience to God. Of course the Church is Teaching through OOR that life is Egypt ... that our hard labor in this world is hardly anything new ... and our One Hope for Exodus and Freedom is Christ.
O Lord help me to remember that the Grieving that is Life is also the Grieving that is proper to an Exodus from an Egypt filled with the groans of the suffering Sons and Daughters of Adam and Eve. An Exodus that will free us by the Grace of the Second Adam through the Second Eve, and lead us to a Promised Land.
O Lord may I by Your Grace be allowed to see my Momma again some day in Your Promised Land ... a New Heaven and a New Earth ...
By YOur Grace Alone O Lord
I love you
I lovfe you
I love you
I miss you Momma
I love you
Charles Delacroix
Tuesday of the 1st Week of Lent
The 1st Reading has been daily a wonderful reminder of how really little I have to complain about ... hey, I'm not a slave in Egypt being lashed to meet impossible expectations and being whipped each time I acted in simple Obedience to God. Of course the Church is Teaching through OOR that life is Egypt ... that our hard labor in this world is hardly anything new ... and our One Hope for Exodus and Freedom is Christ.
O Lord help me to remember that the Grieving that is Life is also the Grieving that is proper to an Exodus from an Egypt filled with the groans of the suffering Sons and Daughters of Adam and Eve. An Exodus that will free us by the Grace of the Second Adam through the Second Eve, and lead us to a Promised Land.
O Lord may I by Your Grace be allowed to see my Momma again some day in Your Promised Land ... a New Heaven and a New Earth ...
By YOur Grace Alone O Lord
I love you
I lovfe you
I love you
I miss you Momma
I love you
Charles Delacroix
Tuesday of the 1st Week of Lent
Loss ... I Miss You ... and This World Is Missing You ...
Oh Momma I miss you so so so so so much ... and Momma, I guess one of the things I really hold close to me is that this Missing You just cannot be me but really is the whold world.
Oh I know, I know ... you and I, dear Momma, are plain, plain folks with zero fame in this world ...
But what really speaks to my heart is that fame is irrelevant the what matters ... the whole world, the whole universe is deeply wounded by Adam's Sin. We are all, all affected. There is no exception. That the Second Adam has begun the backward steps of Adam's fateful dance doesn't change the gash across the face of humanity that is Adam's Wound. The Wound in the Side of Christ on the Cross is indeed healing the Wound of Adam in each of us; but until the Fullness of Time, each of us suffers from the Original Wound ... and Following Your Way of the Cross, O Lord, is Our Following the Way of Suffering of Adam, as well as Following the Way of Your Suffering, O Second Adam.
Everything matters ... and nothing matters ... that's what your passing from this world is teaching me, Momma ...
That sense of utter desolation in the core of my sould ... that sense of arid, bleakness stretching out horribly all around me ... that sense of Futility ... there's something True about that sense. For nothing, but nothing, but nothing really matters at all ... except You, Lord Jesus.
At the same time, in You, all things matter. Momma, I look at your little bluebird salt and shaker on the sill ... and I look at your little "booly booly booly" cushion in your chair ... and I look at your headstone ... and I look at your little hat ... and i look at your old Bible ... and I look at your pictures ... and I think of you standing over half a century ago, in that picture of you in Winter in Columbia in ca 1947 ... looking back over your shoulder, a young wife full of hope and dreams for the future ... all these fill me with enormous sense of sadness, of loss, because they are, in this world, no more ... but they all matter, every single one of these things matters, and their very loss therefore matters. And makes me think ... as Antiques Road Show makes me think ... of the zillion zillion zillion things in this world that matter to so many Sons and Daughters of Adam and Eve. And they all matter, they all all all matter. And their loss matters.
Therefore I do well to grieve and to cry and to weep for what is lost ... while celebrating that they were ever here at all, that you were ever here at all, Momma, and Lord Jesus, and Father Adam, and Mother Eve, and all men & women who have ever walked the face of this old world. What an amazing gift of Grace that I should even be allowed to be here amid the immortals ... for every Son of Adam and Daughter of Eve is Immortal in You O Lord ... what Grace ... what Gift ...
I turned on TV and there was a program about research at the South Pole. The program showed penguins and fish and submarine creatures being studied ... and O O O O O ... Momma were you here how we would both love talking about this together ... you so loved little animals and little fishies and penguins and pictures of sea life like this ... but you are not here ... or if you are not in any sense that we can enjoy this together ... that is a Loss, an enormous loss, an eternal loss of eternal magnitude, because as small as this thing may seem at one level, at another level, it's connected with you and me and all Sons and Daughters of Adam and Eve, in a universe in the process of being Redeemed by the True God and True Man, the Second Adam, through the Second Eve ... and it matters. Everything matters. There is nothing that is that does not matter.
Oh but God without you ... and without Momma ... without all Mommas, all Poppas, all Sons & Daughters of Adam & Eve ... without all these the world is indeed horribly horribly wounded, crippled, rendered desolate and hopeless and alone ... without You O Lord, without Your Redemptive Love, this feeling of desolation and futility and bleakness is utterly utterly accurate. I should be feeling this way. I would not be feeling otherwise for all the treasure in the world. Because Grieving, like Longing, like Sehnsucht, is the soul's response to God's Cry of Love, His cri de coeur, from the Cross, "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do." You're right, Lord Jesus, we don't know, I don't know ... hell I don't know shit. You alone, You alone can render the futile meaningful, the desolate fruitful, the bleak enlightened, the dead alive.
Looking back I know this doesn't make much sense. Not even to me and I wrote it. That's OK though IMHO. O Lord, You understand. O Momma, you understand.
Nothing else really matters. Except of course that everything everthing everything matters.
What a paradox is life.
O Lord Jesus Christ in Your Time and Your Way may all things be restored in You.
I love you Lord Jesus
I love you Momma
O Lord Jesus
Please please please please please
Take good care of my good Momma please
I love you
Charles Delacroix
Tuesday in the First Week of Lent
Oh I know, I know ... you and I, dear Momma, are plain, plain folks with zero fame in this world ...
But what really speaks to my heart is that fame is irrelevant the what matters ... the whole world, the whole universe is deeply wounded by Adam's Sin. We are all, all affected. There is no exception. That the Second Adam has begun the backward steps of Adam's fateful dance doesn't change the gash across the face of humanity that is Adam's Wound. The Wound in the Side of Christ on the Cross is indeed healing the Wound of Adam in each of us; but until the Fullness of Time, each of us suffers from the Original Wound ... and Following Your Way of the Cross, O Lord, is Our Following the Way of Suffering of Adam, as well as Following the Way of Your Suffering, O Second Adam.
Everything matters ... and nothing matters ... that's what your passing from this world is teaching me, Momma ...
That sense of utter desolation in the core of my sould ... that sense of arid, bleakness stretching out horribly all around me ... that sense of Futility ... there's something True about that sense. For nothing, but nothing, but nothing really matters at all ... except You, Lord Jesus.
At the same time, in You, all things matter. Momma, I look at your little bluebird salt and shaker on the sill ... and I look at your little "booly booly booly" cushion in your chair ... and I look at your headstone ... and I look at your little hat ... and i look at your old Bible ... and I look at your pictures ... and I think of you standing over half a century ago, in that picture of you in Winter in Columbia in ca 1947 ... looking back over your shoulder, a young wife full of hope and dreams for the future ... all these fill me with enormous sense of sadness, of loss, because they are, in this world, no more ... but they all matter, every single one of these things matters, and their very loss therefore matters. And makes me think ... as Antiques Road Show makes me think ... of the zillion zillion zillion things in this world that matter to so many Sons and Daughters of Adam and Eve. And they all matter, they all all all matter. And their loss matters.
Therefore I do well to grieve and to cry and to weep for what is lost ... while celebrating that they were ever here at all, that you were ever here at all, Momma, and Lord Jesus, and Father Adam, and Mother Eve, and all men & women who have ever walked the face of this old world. What an amazing gift of Grace that I should even be allowed to be here amid the immortals ... for every Son of Adam and Daughter of Eve is Immortal in You O Lord ... what Grace ... what Gift ...
I turned on TV and there was a program about research at the South Pole. The program showed penguins and fish and submarine creatures being studied ... and O O O O O ... Momma were you here how we would both love talking about this together ... you so loved little animals and little fishies and penguins and pictures of sea life like this ... but you are not here ... or if you are not in any sense that we can enjoy this together ... that is a Loss, an enormous loss, an eternal loss of eternal magnitude, because as small as this thing may seem at one level, at another level, it's connected with you and me and all Sons and Daughters of Adam and Eve, in a universe in the process of being Redeemed by the True God and True Man, the Second Adam, through the Second Eve ... and it matters. Everything matters. There is nothing that is that does not matter.
Oh but God without you ... and without Momma ... without all Mommas, all Poppas, all Sons & Daughters of Adam & Eve ... without all these the world is indeed horribly horribly wounded, crippled, rendered desolate and hopeless and alone ... without You O Lord, without Your Redemptive Love, this feeling of desolation and futility and bleakness is utterly utterly accurate. I should be feeling this way. I would not be feeling otherwise for all the treasure in the world. Because Grieving, like Longing, like Sehnsucht, is the soul's response to God's Cry of Love, His cri de coeur, from the Cross, "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do." You're right, Lord Jesus, we don't know, I don't know ... hell I don't know shit. You alone, You alone can render the futile meaningful, the desolate fruitful, the bleak enlightened, the dead alive.
Looking back I know this doesn't make much sense. Not even to me and I wrote it. That's OK though IMHO. O Lord, You understand. O Momma, you understand.
Nothing else really matters. Except of course that everything everthing everything matters.
What a paradox is life.
O Lord Jesus Christ in Your Time and Your Way may all things be restored in You.
I love you Lord Jesus
I love you Momma
O Lord Jesus
Please please please please please
Take good care of my good Momma please
I love you
Charles Delacroix
Tuesday in the First Week of Lent
Monday, February 11, 2008
Antiques Roadshow ... and Memory
I was watching Antiques Roadshow tonite ... Momma you and I loved to watch this show ... there are always wonderful treasures from the past, and, almost as important, I think, to Momma, as to me, these treasures had Stories with them ... they are almost iconic bearers of Memory. Sometimes the expert could provide Story; sometimes the owner could provide Story; but always, always, there was this sense of deep honor and respect for the Memories borne to us by these wonderful, wonderful antiques ...
Oh Momma how I miss you ... and oh everything you left here bears Memory ... Story is everywhere here ...
It's so wonderful simply hearing and honoring Stories ...
Oh Momma how I miss you ... how I miss you ... and your Stories ... and Memories ...
Oh Jesus please please please please please ... take good care of my good Momma ...
I love you Momma ...
I love you Jesus ...
Charles Delacroix
Feast of Our Lady of Lourdes
Oh Momma how I miss you ... and oh everything you left here bears Memory ... Story is everywhere here ...
It's so wonderful simply hearing and honoring Stories ...
Oh Momma how I miss you ... how I miss you ... and your Stories ... and Memories ...
Oh Jesus please please please please please ... take good care of my good Momma ...
I love you Momma ...
I love you Jesus ...
Charles Delacroix
Feast of Our Lady of Lourdes
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Natalie Wood, James Dean, & Rebel Without a Cause
OETA showed first a wonderful bio of Natalie Wood, followed by The Movie Club, and an intro by BJ Wexler into Rebel Without a Cause http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0048545/ ... came out in 1955, just a year aftr my birth ... and yet another tribute to the dark, dark cultural vision of the post-war era.
Momma you would have loved that bio of Natalie Wood ... less (I think) would you have liked Rebel without a Cause ... in a way, that is. Like me, you didn't like what we would both have considered "depressing movies."
But oh how I would have loved to get to talk over Natalie Wood and James Dean and the times that gave birth to both ... with you Momma ... oh how nothing but nohting feels right... I love you so much and miss you so so so so so so so muvch ....
Momma you would have loved that bio of Natalie Wood ... less (I think) would you have liked Rebel without a Cause ... in a way, that is. Like me, you didn't like what we would both have considered "depressing movies."
But oh how I would have loved to get to talk over Natalie Wood and James Dean and the times that gave birth to both ... with you Momma ... oh how nothing but nohting feels right... I love you so much and miss you so so so so so so so muvch ....
Renewing OETA-TV
I just sent in a renewal for Mom's contribution/membership in the Oklahoma Public TV affiliate, OETA-TV.
The account is in her name and I just don't have the heart to change it. I sent in what she usually sent ... in her frugality, she sent just enough that we could get the OETA monthly program guide.
There was a survey included that asked what programs she liked. I felt not only not guilty, but downright grateful for the opportunity to answer on your behalf, Momma. I marked down all the programs that you and I loved so much and watched together with such delight. Especially of course the Movie Club and As Time Goes By ... and also Keeping Up Appearances and hte Vicar of Dibley and Are You Being Served. What wonderful shows ... but oh Momma how I miss watching and laughing together with you ... oh Momma ... I miss you so so so much ...
The account is in her name and I just don't have the heart to change it. I sent in what she usually sent ... in her frugality, she sent just enough that we could get the OETA monthly program guide.
There was a survey included that asked what programs she liked. I felt not only not guilty, but downright grateful for the opportunity to answer on your behalf, Momma. I marked down all the programs that you and I loved so much and watched together with such delight. Especially of course the Movie Club and As Time Goes By ... and also Keeping Up Appearances and hte Vicar of Dibley and Are You Being Served. What wonderful shows ... but oh Momma how I miss watching and laughing together with you ... oh Momma ... I miss you so so so much ...
Woodward Park
I spent some time this afternoon cleaning some of the brush from the little creek that runs through Woodward Park.
The park is still filled with debris and downed limbs from the ice storm here in Tulsa in mid-December. And I thought I'd clear up a little in that little creek that Momma took me to when I was oh so young. I'd put a boat made of twigs or leaves, or perhaps a thong, in the little rivulet and nurse it along with shouts of glee until it finally made its way down to the pond.
I don't think there's a single memory I have of very early childhood that is as sweet and poignant as that of this little rivulet and Momma smiling at me playing with little boats and thongs in that little runlet.
Yet I remember ... when, last summer? Or spring? ... when we would go to Woodward Park and she said something ... a couple of times ... that I had no idea about. That Momma's mind was much weighted down, often it seems, when we went to Woodward Park ... because this was the period when he was often out, philandering with other women.
Oh Momma ... oh Momma ... oh God ... that such things should be ... but oh Momma ... that in spite of such things you took such good care of me and my sister ... and brought us joy at Woodward Park ... despite those dark clouds in your heart and mind.
What is there to say ... nothing really ... as in that vignette in Whitaker Chambers, about the woman in post-war Berlin's devastation ... walking down the street with tears streaming down her face ... and no one said anything ... not out of cruelty or indifference but simply because her tears were tears of a univeral tragedy that engulfed everyone ... what was there to say ... ?
Except perhaps
Oh Lord Jesus Christ have mercy have mercy have mercy on us all
I love you and miss you so so so so so so much Momma ... oh God how do people make it through this ... why the hell should I want to make it through this ... oh Momma how I wish you were here ... oh God how I miss my Momma so so so so much ... oh God ...
I wiped and cleaned your grave marker this morning, Momma ... and the dog and I went for a walk in Woodward Park. She chased the squirrels ... and oh I could see you sitting with a smile on your face watching Spooky chase the squirrels ... oh Momma nothing is right wtihout you here ... oh God oh Momma oh Mommma everything's wrong without you here ... oh I miss you so much Momma I miss you so .... oh God ...
Oh Lord Jesus please please please please of Your Mercy take good care of my good good Momma ...
Oh Momma oh Mary oh Joseph oh Jesus
Charles Delacroix
Eve of the 1st Sunday in Lent
The park is still filled with debris and downed limbs from the ice storm here in Tulsa in mid-December. And I thought I'd clear up a little in that little creek that Momma took me to when I was oh so young. I'd put a boat made of twigs or leaves, or perhaps a thong, in the little rivulet and nurse it along with shouts of glee until it finally made its way down to the pond.
I don't think there's a single memory I have of very early childhood that is as sweet and poignant as that of this little rivulet and Momma smiling at me playing with little boats and thongs in that little runlet.
Yet I remember ... when, last summer? Or spring? ... when we would go to Woodward Park and she said something ... a couple of times ... that I had no idea about. That Momma's mind was much weighted down, often it seems, when we went to Woodward Park ... because this was the period when he was often out, philandering with other women.
Oh Momma ... oh Momma ... oh God ... that such things should be ... but oh Momma ... that in spite of such things you took such good care of me and my sister ... and brought us joy at Woodward Park ... despite those dark clouds in your heart and mind.
What is there to say ... nothing really ... as in that vignette in Whitaker Chambers, about the woman in post-war Berlin's devastation ... walking down the street with tears streaming down her face ... and no one said anything ... not out of cruelty or indifference but simply because her tears were tears of a univeral tragedy that engulfed everyone ... what was there to say ... ?
Except perhaps
Oh Lord Jesus Christ have mercy have mercy have mercy on us all
I love you and miss you so so so so so so much Momma ... oh God how do people make it through this ... why the hell should I want to make it through this ... oh Momma how I wish you were here ... oh God how I miss my Momma so so so so much ... oh God ...
I wiped and cleaned your grave marker this morning, Momma ... and the dog and I went for a walk in Woodward Park. She chased the squirrels ... and oh I could see you sitting with a smile on your face watching Spooky chase the squirrels ... oh Momma nothing is right wtihout you here ... oh God oh Momma oh Mommma everything's wrong without you here ... oh I miss you so much Momma I miss you so .... oh God ...
Oh Lord Jesus please please please please of Your Mercy take good care of my good good Momma ...
Oh Momma oh Mary oh Joseph oh Jesus
Charles Delacroix
Eve of the 1st Sunday in Lent
Friday, February 8, 2008
Lent of Tears
I have been running and overworking and overdoing today ... but oh how many tears even so just thinking about you dear dear dear dear Momma ....
Lent without you doesn't feel like Lent Momma. Yet I know that in this wonderful Season there is a special opportunity to share in the Tears of Sorrow and Compunction of Our Lord.
Your Tears Lord Jesus
Tears of Your Way of the Cross
Tears of Your Sorrow over Jerusalem
Tears of Your Sorrow for Momma
Tears of Your Sorrow for all Mommas
Tears of Your Sorrow for each and every one of us
Oh Lord Tears of Sorrow for a world drowning it seems at times in Tears
Tears
Tears
Tears and Weeping
Oh Lord Jesus How Follow You
How Follow You on Your Way of the Cross
Without many Tears
Many many Tears and Weeping
Oh Lord how I miss my Momma
Oh Lord thank you for Your Precious Tears for my Momma
I love you Momma
I love you Lord Jesus
Please please please
Please please please please please Lord Jesus please take good care of my good Momma
I love you Momma
I love you Lord Jesus
I love you
Charles Delacroix
Feast of St Jerome Emiliani
Lent without you doesn't feel like Lent Momma. Yet I know that in this wonderful Season there is a special opportunity to share in the Tears of Sorrow and Compunction of Our Lord.
Your Tears Lord Jesus
Tears of Your Way of the Cross
Tears of Your Sorrow over Jerusalem
Tears of Your Sorrow for Momma
Tears of Your Sorrow for all Mommas
Tears of Your Sorrow for each and every one of us
Oh Lord Tears of Sorrow for a world drowning it seems at times in Tears
Tears
Tears
Tears and Weeping
Oh Lord Jesus How Follow You
How Follow You on Your Way of the Cross
Without many Tears
Many many Tears and Weeping
Oh Lord how I miss my Momma
Oh Lord thank you for Your Precious Tears for my Momma
I love you Momma
I love you Lord Jesus
Please please please
Please please please please please Lord Jesus please take good care of my good Momma
I love you Momma
I love you Lord Jesus
I love you
Charles Delacroix
Feast of St Jerome Emiliani
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Ash Wednesday
Remember man that thou art dust, and to dust thou shalt return.
Oh Momma how I miss you ... dust or no dust ... oh how I miss you ....
Oh Momma how I miss you ... dust or no dust ... oh how I miss you ....
Sunday, February 3, 2008
As Time Goes By
This is just plain one of my all time favorite TV shows ... http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0105943/ ... and Momma's too ...
I've been watching this ... off and on ... tonite ... and on the one hand really enjoying this ... but also missing Momma so so so much ...
Every time Lionel squirms and tries to evade getting caught in the middle with his dry, dry humor ... O I can hear your laugh, Momma ... and I laugh too ... and then I cry ...
Every time I hear Alistair ostentatiously flirting with his disarming but overwhelming self-confidence ... I laugh ... and I can just hear you laughing too Momma ...
Every time I watch Judi Dench's Jean carrying on about something, anything, I just want to laugh and cry and want to look at Momma smiling and nodding ... but you aren't there ...
Sandy is just lovely ... cute and smart and genuine ... and I smile and would so like to look at you Momma smiling at her as well ...
Judith is so charming and genuine and almost matches Lionel in her own dry, but far lighter, humor ... and now Alistair in this episode has just asked Judith to marry him ... and she's thrown herself into his arms ... and O Momma you and I would love this scene so much ...
Oh Momma I just love this show ... and if you were here ... if you were here Momma ... I'd be saying, "Oh these are such nice people ... all of them ..." and you'd be saying "Yes ... yes they are" and I'd be saying "These are the kind of people I'd just love to know next door" and you'd be saying "Yes yes ..." and you'd be laughing and smiling and I would too ...
It's just not the same Momma .. not the same ... watching this wonderful show without you here ...
Oh Momma ... oh Momma ...
As Time Goes By ...
I love you and I miss you ...
Oh Lord Jesus ...
Oh Mary Mother of God ...
I love you and I miss you so ....
Oh
Charles Delacroix
Sunday 4 in OT
I've been watching this ... off and on ... tonite ... and on the one hand really enjoying this ... but also missing Momma so so so much ...
Every time Lionel squirms and tries to evade getting caught in the middle with his dry, dry humor ... O I can hear your laugh, Momma ... and I laugh too ... and then I cry ...
Every time I hear Alistair ostentatiously flirting with his disarming but overwhelming self-confidence ... I laugh ... and I can just hear you laughing too Momma ...
Every time I watch Judi Dench's Jean carrying on about something, anything, I just want to laugh and cry and want to look at Momma smiling and nodding ... but you aren't there ...
Sandy is just lovely ... cute and smart and genuine ... and I smile and would so like to look at you Momma smiling at her as well ...
Judith is so charming and genuine and almost matches Lionel in her own dry, but far lighter, humor ... and now Alistair in this episode has just asked Judith to marry him ... and she's thrown herself into his arms ... and O Momma you and I would love this scene so much ...
Oh Momma I just love this show ... and if you were here ... if you were here Momma ... I'd be saying, "Oh these are such nice people ... all of them ..." and you'd be saying "Yes ... yes they are" and I'd be saying "These are the kind of people I'd just love to know next door" and you'd be saying "Yes yes ..." and you'd be laughing and smiling and I would too ...
It's just not the same Momma .. not the same ... watching this wonderful show without you here ...
Oh Momma ... oh Momma ...
As Time Goes By ...
I love you and I miss you ...
Oh Lord Jesus ...
Oh Mary Mother of God ...
I love you and I miss you so ....
Oh
Charles Delacroix
Sunday 4 in OT
Movies and TV without Momma here ...
I've been realizing how different movies & TV are for me now with Momma gone ...
I've always been a TV fan, and, over the past 10-15 years, an even bigger movie fan. But with Momma gone some of my favorite movies ... especially oldies ... I really can't bring myself to watch as in the past. Casablanca I have seen so many times ... but Momma isn't here to watch jme with it.
On the other hand I'll admit I've been watching South Park & Family Guy ... shows I never watched with Momma here. She would not (I feel sure) have liked such TV fare.
But oh Momma ... I can't even (ordinarily) bring myself to watch As Time Goes By ... we used to love to watch this together every Sunday night, but here it is Sunday, and I don't have it on ... maybe I'll try it out though ...
Oh Momma oh Jesus ...
Love,
Charles Delacroix
Sunday 4 in Ordinary Time
I've always been a TV fan, and, over the past 10-15 years, an even bigger movie fan. But with Momma gone some of my favorite movies ... especially oldies ... I really can't bring myself to watch as in the past. Casablanca I have seen so many times ... but Momma isn't here to watch jme with it.
On the other hand I'll admit I've been watching South Park & Family Guy ... shows I never watched with Momma here. She would not (I feel sure) have liked such TV fare.
But oh Momma ... I can't even (ordinarily) bring myself to watch As Time Goes By ... we used to love to watch this together every Sunday night, but here it is Sunday, and I don't have it on ... maybe I'll try it out though ...
Oh Momma oh Jesus ...
Love,
Charles Delacroix
Sunday 4 in Ordinary Time
Saturday, February 2, 2008
Red River
So now OETA is showing Red River ... the B&W version, not the colorized version, too ... http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0040724/ ...
Oh Momma how I wish we could watch this together ... you would love it ... we've seen this together before, I think ... always so special in a way because its partly set in Oklahoma (the Red River is just an hour or so south of here) and Missouri ...
Oh Momma ... you'd say something, wouldn't you, about Montgomery Clift in this movie. I'd be saying something of course about John Wayne. We'd both say something about Walter Brennan. Mom you'd say something about Harry Carey, too. What a wonderful movie.
Oh hey John Ireland is in this movie, too. He's always cool, way way cool.
Oh Momma how I wish you were here ... maybe ... maybe you are ...
But oh how I miss you Momma ... so so so so so so much ...
I love you Momma
I love you Lord Jesus
I love you Mary
Oh Mother Mary, Our Lady of the Presentation, Pray for us
Oh Lord Jesus,
Oh Oh Oh ... there's an intermission ... and BJ Wexler in a tux ... Mom you and I would sure be talking about that, wouldn't we? It seems that the OETA Movie Club is celebrating its 20th Anniversary ... started in 1988. Oh Momma oh Momma oh Momma ... I wish you were here to watch these celebrity photos in the 20th Anniversary retrospective ... you and I got such a kick out of those photos, didn't we?
Oh Momma ... I miss you I miss you so so so so so so much ...
I love you Momma
I love you Mary
I love you Jesus
Please please please please O Lord of the Presentation ... take good care of my Momma please
I love you all
Charles Delacroix
Feast of the Presentation of Our Lord
Oh Momma how I wish we could watch this together ... you would love it ... we've seen this together before, I think ... always so special in a way because its partly set in Oklahoma (the Red River is just an hour or so south of here) and Missouri ...
Oh Momma ... you'd say something, wouldn't you, about Montgomery Clift in this movie. I'd be saying something of course about John Wayne. We'd both say something about Walter Brennan. Mom you'd say something about Harry Carey, too. What a wonderful movie.
Oh hey John Ireland is in this movie, too. He's always cool, way way cool.
Oh Momma how I wish you were here ... maybe ... maybe you are ...
But oh how I miss you Momma ... so so so so so so much ...
I love you Momma
I love you Lord Jesus
I love you Mary
Oh Mother Mary, Our Lady of the Presentation, Pray for us
Oh Lord Jesus,
Oh Oh Oh ... there's an intermission ... and BJ Wexler in a tux ... Mom you and I would sure be talking about that, wouldn't we? It seems that the OETA Movie Club is celebrating its 20th Anniversary ... started in 1988. Oh Momma oh Momma oh Momma ... I wish you were here to watch these celebrity photos in the 20th Anniversary retrospective ... you and I got such a kick out of those photos, didn't we?
Oh Momma ... I miss you I miss you so so so so so so much ...
I love you Momma
I love you Mary
I love you Jesus
Please please please please O Lord of the Presentation ... take good care of my Momma please
I love you all
Charles Delacroix
Feast of the Presentation of Our Lord
It's still sll wrong ... all wrong ...
Oh God ... it's Saturday night ... and I watched Cheers ... looking every now and then at Momma's empty chair ... and now MASH has come on ... and I can't seem to stop crying ... it's all wrong .. all wrong ... I do still like Cheers and MASH ... but oh how it hurts ... it feels so wrong to sit here watching this ... and Momma you're not here as you should be to watch it too ... I know I think you probably have much, much, much better now ... O Lord Jesus I do, really, well, kinda ... I am glad Momma is with you ... OK ... it's good, it's right ... but it's still so fuckin wrong, so so so so wrong ... Oh Momma how I miss you ... I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you ... here's Klinger on and Hot Lips and Hawkeye and BJ ... and you're not here to talk about how this must be an early show, Klinger's not in women's clothes ... you'd laugh and I'd laugh ... we'd laugh together ... and I'd look at you smiling at the TV ... smiling at the characters we both loved so much ... so much ... and you're not here ... and why the hell should I be here and why the hell should MASH be funny ... it is still ... it is ... darkly humorous, wonderfully human, and you, and I, liked both about MASH ... but now it's not funny and the characters seem so far far far away ... or rather I'm so far far far away ... oh God ... it hurts so much ... so much ...
Oh St Sophronius ... http://www.universalis.com/20080202/readings.htm ... yes let us hasten with candles lit on this Feast of Candlemas to meet Our Lord Jesus Christ ... oh Momma perhaps you are even now waiting for me with Our Lord ... oh oh oh but how everything feels so wrong so wrong when the only light that seemed to really be there for me in this world is gone and awaiting with the only Light in all eternity ... and now I am sitting here in the darkness of this world ... in this tomb of time ... this Holy Saturday ... here ... here and now ... in the Dead Heart of Jesus ... yes yes yes Lord Jesus ... yes ... if Momma is not here ... where else is there for me but in Your Tomb in Your Dead Heart ... oh Jesus you are my only hope ... oh Holy Mary Mother of God, Our Lady of the Presentation, pray for me ... and for my Momma ... oh Jesus please please please please please ... take good care of my good Momma ...
Charles Delacroix
Feast of the Presentation of Our Lord
Oh St Sophronius ... http://www.universalis.com/20080202/readings.htm ... yes let us hasten with candles lit on this Feast of Candlemas to meet Our Lord Jesus Christ ... oh Momma perhaps you are even now waiting for me with Our Lord ... oh oh oh but how everything feels so wrong so wrong when the only light that seemed to really be there for me in this world is gone and awaiting with the only Light in all eternity ... and now I am sitting here in the darkness of this world ... in this tomb of time ... this Holy Saturday ... here ... here and now ... in the Dead Heart of Jesus ... yes yes yes Lord Jesus ... yes ... if Momma is not here ... where else is there for me but in Your Tomb in Your Dead Heart ... oh Jesus you are my only hope ... oh Holy Mary Mother of God, Our Lady of the Presentation, pray for me ... and for my Momma ... oh Jesus please please please please please ... take good care of my good Momma ...
Charles Delacroix
Feast of the Presentation of Our Lord
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