Oh It's Good to Be Back Home

Oh Momma how I missed you ... gone to OKC overnight for the Gambling cert training ... it felt so so so so strange ... I mean that means that last night I wasn't here to visit your grave; and this morning I wasn't here to visit your grave. I still prayed the Office for you Momma ... I faced East thinking I would be facing you and facing Rome and facing Jerusalem and facing the Rising of the Sun on The Day of Our Lord's Return ... but oh oh oh Momma it's so good to be back home ...

I love you Momma

I miss you Momma so so so much ... so good to see you tonite ... but oh Momma ... it's snowing and you aren't here to share it with me ... or are you but oh ... oh oh ....

I love you Momma

I love you Jesus

Oh Jesus please please please please please ...

of Your Courtesy ...

Take good care of my good Momma ...

I love you

I love you so

Charles Delacroix
Feast of St John Bosco

Mary Pickford and her mother

I just happened across a PBS production in its American Experience series ... on Mary Pickford. It was simply a wonderful program ... Momma would have loved it. And I was deeply moved by Mary Pickford's experience of the death of her beloved mother, Charlotte. A commentator said that Ms. Pickford simply didn't understand a world without her mother. Oh ... Momma, I so so so agree ...

Here's the PBS link: http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/amex/pickford/?campaign=pbshomefeatures_3_americanexperiencebrmarypickford_2008-01-28

IMDb's link is http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0681933/

The IMDb material includes this wonderful quote from Ms. Pickford: "[at her retirement] I'm not exactly satisfied, but I'm grateful." Yes ... yes, yes. Oh my. What an exactly perfect, and perfectly honest, way to say something I think I could say about ... well, about so many, many things ...

Oh Momma ... oh Momma ...

Oh my ...

Lord Jesus Christ have mercy on us all ...

Lord Jesus have mercy above all on my dear Momma ...

Please please please please take good care of my dear Momma ...

I love you Jesus

I love you Momma

Charles Delacroix
Feast of St Thomas Aquinas

Spe Salvi

I just added this link ... I haven't been able to get myself to read very far in it yet ... the Pope released it when ... a couple of months ago? Just at the beginning of Advent I think.

Here is Hope though ... Saving Hope ... Spe Salvi ...

O Lord Jesus

Hope of the Hopeless

Save us by Your Grace

Charles Hopeless Delacroix
Hoping only in You, O Hope of the Hopeless,
This 3rd Sunday in Ordinary Time
Which is to say Holy Saturday
For all Time is Holy Saturday until You Redeem Our long long Holy Saturdays in You
O God My All
Jesus Solus

5 Months and the Universe is still Wrong

Well ... it's not, I know, but it feels that way.

Today is the 5-month anniversary of Momma's funeral. And everything but everything feels so empty and horribly hopeless and useless.

De futilitate ... still such a big big challenge.

O Lord I know I know I know ... oh really I don't know of course. I don't know shit. I don't know anything except that Momma's gone and nothing seems right ... and I know that YOU are alone the Answer to everything. You alone are the Hope of the Hopeless and I am so full of hopelessness right now that You and You Alone can be my Hope ... not because it even feels that way but because You Alone Are.

You Are my Faith although I am floundering in a morass of Doubt and Faithlessness

You Are my Hope although I am filled with Nothingness, drowning in Hopelessness

You Are my Love although I am devoid of any felt Love at all except Love for my Momma who is gone ... gone ... gone ... and I am utterly alone ...

Yet to be alone in the midst of Your Aloneness is not to be truly alone

To be Loveless in the midst of Your Love is not to be bereft of love

To be Faithless in the midst of Your Faith is not to be utterly without faith

To be Hopeless in the midst of Your Hope is not to be without hope

Here ... here in the darkness of Your Tomb ... here in the Dark Dark Dark Night of the Soul ...

Here ... here in the midnight-drenched interior of Your Burial Chamber ... here in Your Grave ...

Here ... here in the Nothingness that is Your Holy Saturday ... between Good Friday and Easter

Here ... here I lie with you dead and dead and dead ... yet I wait ... as You waited ... as all creation waits ... here I wait and lie dead in Your Dead Heart O Jesus ...

Here in Your Death I am Dead

Here in Your Despair I am Despair

Here in Holy Saturday echoes Your Cry from the Cross ...

O God O God ... Why Hast Thou Forsaken Me ... ?

I hear the echo ...

It is Your Voice O Lord ...

Your Voice from the Cross ...

Your Voice from Job

Your Voice from Ecclesiastes

Your Voice from the deadly Psalms

Your Voice from the Deep Calling to Deep

Your Voice throughout this twilight of Death

Your Voice calling across the aeons and depths and endless ages

Your Voice calling from the Silence of Your Tomb on Holy Saturday

Your Voice saying what I cannot even bring myself to breath

You and You Alone O Lord

You and You Alone

Jesus Solus

Jesus Solus

Jesus Solus

Let us pray

Hail Mary full of Grace the Lord is with thee
Blessed art thou amongst women
And Blessed is the Fruit of thy womb
Jesus
Holy Mary
Mother of God
Pray for us sinners
Now and at the hour of our Death
Amen

Oh Jesus Joseph & Mary

Oh Jesus Joseph & Mary

Oh Jesus Joseph & Mary

Please please please please please

Take good care of my good Momma

Oh Holy Saturday envelope me with your sweet odor of the Death of God
That reminds me that after God Died
God Arose
After Holy Saturday
Comes Easter
Oh Jesus whatever happens to me in Your Holy Saturday
Let my dear Momma pass through Your Holy Saturday
To Your Blessed Easter

Oh Momma ... Oh Mary ... Oh Joseph ... Oh Jesus

Jesus Solus

Jesus Solus

Jesus Solus

Jesus Solus

Thank you Jesus for Momma

Jesus Solus

Mom's Skillet

I made French toast this morning for breakfast. Using one of Mom's skillets. There are 3 skillets ... all belonged to her mother, to my Grandma; and one of them (I think?) was handed down to Grandma by her mother ... probably Great-Grandma Rust. I've actually been using 2 of the skillets quite a lot since Mom died.

But I wonder ...

Am I cleaning them right ...?

Mom said these are "seasoned" skillets. She told me that seasoned skillets have the iron's pores well filled with grease and oil from repeated uses over the years ... and helps to make them good, good skillets for cooking.

I think, though, she told me that cleaning them too much ... over-soaping and over-scrubbing ... wasn't good for the seasoning though. And now I'm wondering if I'm overdoing ... ? It's painful to think that I might be treating these skillets in any way that would undermine what Grandma and Great-Grandma ... and my Momma ... did to make them and keep them well seasoned. It's even more painful to think that I might not be treating these skillets the way they would have wanted them treated.

Oh Momma ... you're not here to tell me.

Oh Momma ... I miss you so so so so so so much ...

I love you

And I miss you

Oh my beloved Jesus Lord and Savior

Please please please please please

Take good care of my good Momma ...

Charles Delacroix
3rd Sunday in Ordinary Time

"This is Nice and Comfortable"

Well ... it is ... I'm tucked under blankets, comfortably warm and snug before the TV, with OETA-TV showing the 1948 B&W version of Oliver Twist http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0040662/ ... oh Momma you would love this.

I used to say, when laying comfortably snug like this, a peanut butter sandwich beside me, a cup full of coca-cola, a good movie on TV ... I'd say, "Mmmm ... this is Nice and Comfortable!" And Momma would say, "That's good, son." And I'd say something like, "There's something to be said for being Comfortable." And she'd say, "There sure is!"

So true ... so true dear Lord ... so so true Momma ...

Oh where are you Momma ...

Oh Momma ...

Such a good movie ... really just the kind you and I would love to watch together ...

I'm here alone now ...

Alone ...

Not really alone I know dear Lord ... You are here ... and all the Angels and Saints ...

But oh oh oh oh ... Of Your Courtesy, Dear Lord, You Know ... it's just not the same ...

Without Momma ...

Oh ...

Momma and Tables and Rhubarb ...

I've been thinking today about replacing that little table in the alcove with another table ... the little one is really a small, small, side table that we got back in (I think?) Spring because it was just the right size for Momma in her wheelchair. It was only 24 inches from the floor ... I know because I measured it before I got it at the used furniture store ... and at this point it would fit usefully in my new office at work. But ... but ... I know, Momma, you would say ... and might be saying even now ... go ahead, do it. But oh oh oh ... I can't ... I just can't ... not yet Momma ...

Oh and driving home I was listening to A Prairie Home Companion. There was a songa about rhubarb on ... and oh what memories ... I love rhubarb ... Momma how you loved to make rhubarb for me, as a child, as a teen, as a young man ... and last (I think?) perhaps only a few years ago. How you loved to love ... oh Momma everything you did was love ... everything ...

I visited Philbrook today ... and looking at the Corots I thought of you ... looking at the Madonnas I thought of you ... looking at the wheelchair access door of course I could not help but think of you ... oh Momma how I miss you ...

I love you Momma. I'm so glad that Spooky and I could visit you tonite. The temperatures may not be so warm but it wasn't too cold ... and she loved prancing and running and frisking around your grave dear Momma ...

Oh I love you

Oh I miss you

Oh Jesus oh Jesus please please please please please take good care of my good Momma ...

I love you Momma. MASH is coming on right now. I watched Cheers a bit earlier. And the Popcorn Man comes on the Movie Club in only 1/2 hour. Oh Momma ... oh Momma ... oh nothing is right ... without you here ... nothing ...

Oh Momma

Oh Lord Jesus

Oh ..........

God .........

Thy Will Not Mine Be Done ...

Oh God ...

Charles Delacroix
Feast of Ss Timothy & Titus

Oh Momma it's a little fuzzy ....

Long long long day, Momma ... rough day ... at work ...

And driving into the cemetery to see you ... way after dark ... I was obsessing about work ... and then wondered ... what was it like for you ...? At work? When you worked for the Missouri state purchaser's office in Jefferson City? When you worked for the bank in Hornersville? When you worked for Boston Avenue Methodist Church in Tulsa? When you worked for McWhorter-Weaver (sp?) in Tennessee? Did you have days like this? I'll bet ... you did ...

Now it's about 11 PM and I turned on Jay Leno and there's an animal expert who brought on stage a lemur ... from Madagascar ... she was big and furry and fuzzy with wide eyes and broad face ... and my first thought ... came out in my immediate reaction ... "Oh Momma ... oh Momma ... it's a little fuzzy fuzzy animal ..." and you would have said, "Oh ... oh I want to see it ..." and would look up or come over and we'd look and both of us would coo and carry on ... how we both loved "little fuzzy animals" ... of all kinds ... and now I'm sitting here alone ... and you're not here ... and what the fuck is the point really ... oh well ... oh well ... mahlesh ... "my God my God Why hast thou forsaken me" ... O Lord O Lord ...

O Lord I love you

O Lord it sucks but I love you

O Lord I know that you are for the poor

O Lord I know that you do not break a bent reed nor quench a smoulering wick ...

O Lord my wick is smouldering ...

O Lord you you you alone are my hope against hope ...

O Lord please please please please take good care of my good Momma

I love you Momma

I love you

Charles Delacroix
Feast of St Francis de Sales

Goal ... Respond with Integrity to Momma's Passing

That's it. That's it ... that's all for today ... my Lord ... and my God ..

Five Months ...

Yesterday was the 5 month mark since Momma left this world.

Tomorrow is the end of the creditor claim period for her estate.

Time goes on and nothing but nothing but nothing seems right or reasonable or explicable ... yet this is the right thing to do to Follow Christ Just for Today.

O Lord please help me to remember to focus on the only thing that really seems to feel like it can make sense in the Here and Now ... to respond to Momma's passing with some sense of integrity.

Integrity ... Authenticity ... Just for Today ...

Oh Momma I miss you so so so so ...

I love you Momma

I love you Jesus

O Jesus please please please please ... take good care of my Momma ...

I love you

Charles Delacroix
Eve of the Feast of St Francis de Sales

"I don't know why this is happening ..."

Beth, near the end of Cloverfield http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1060277/ ... what a beautiful, tragic movie. But I keep thinking about Beth's words.

Why. The ultimate question.

But no ... it's the penultimate question.

Job asked it. And then God answered.

Jesus asked it on the Cross. But after Good Friday and Holy Saturday came Easter.

Cloverfield is all about Holy Saturday.

Beth asked Why. But those weren't her last words. Her last words were "I love you."

Last, that is, in this world.

O Lord mornings are still the hardest.

I started to say mornings are the worst time. But maybe they're the best times.

They seem to be the times when I miss you most Momma.

So much so much so much so much.

I wanted to say to you this morning ... as a million times before ... "that puppy dog of ours things she's a Fierce Watchdog."

And you would laugh and I would laugh. And talk about Spooky. With love and humor and ...

Why are you not here now to talk about Spooky.

I don't know I don't know

But You know O Lord.

I love you Momma

I love you O Lord Jesus Christ Man of Sorrows

I love you Mary Mater Dolorosa

O Lord Jesus

Through the intercession and love of Your mother

please please please please please

Take good care of my good Momma

Oh Momma how I miss you

Oh God ...................

Charles Lee Delacroix
Feast of St Vincent
Martyr

"Mary Suffers with Those in Affliction"

That's the title of the Pope's prospective message for the World Day of the Sick for Feb 11, just released ... . http://www.zenit.org/article-21549?l=english.

So much here is so beautiful ...

"Associated with the Sacrifice of Christ, Mary, Mater Dolorosa, who at the foot of the Cross suffers with her divine Son, is felt to be especially near by the Christian community, which gathers around its suffering members, who bear the signs of the passion of the Lord. Mary suffers with those who are in affliction, with them she hopes, and she is their comfort, supporting them with her maternal help. And is it not perhaps true that the spiritual experience of very many sick people leads us to understand increasingly that 'the Divine Redeemer wishes to penetrate the soul of every sufferer through the heart of his holy Mother, the first and the most exalted of all the redeemed'? (John Paul II, Apostolic Letter, "Salvifici doloris," n. 26). (No. 2)

Oh yes O Lord ... oh yes O Mary Mater Dolorosa ...

Oh Momma ... oh Mary ... oh Jesus ...

Oh ...

Charles Delacroix
Feast of St Agnes

A Birthday to Celebrate ... and Mourn

Happy Birthday ... to me.

I cried and cried this morning visiting Momma. Today above all I celebrate her motherhood ... of me, to be sure, but of her most of all. Today, in 1954, she who was a wife became ... Momma ...

Oh Momma how I miss you ...

How I miss you and I talking about that dark, rainy night that you gave birth to a baby ... how you would ruefully laugh and I would too .. and say somethign about babiies not coming at convenient times ...

Oh Momma Momma I miss you so so so so so much ...

Oh Momma ....

I love you ... I love you know and forever ... by God's Grace ...

Charles Delacroix
Friday in Week 1 in Ordinarty Time
Birthday of Charles ... Motherhood of Momma ... :-) ....

Call no man fortunate before his death

OOR yesterday really struck me. See http://www.universalis.com/20080115/readings.htm. An excerpt, from Sirach:

"Good and bad, life and death,
poverty and wealth, all come from the Lord.
The Lord’s gift remains constant to the devout
and his goodwill means a good journey for ever.
A man grows rich by his sharpness and grabbing,
and here is the reward he receives for it:
he says, ‘I have found rest,
and now I can enjoy my goods’;
but he does not know how long this will last;
he will have to leave his goods for others and die.
Persevere at your duty, take pleasure in doing it
and grow old at your work.
Do not be astonished at the sinner’s achievements;
trust the Lord and keep to your duty;"

The reading goes on and closes with this:

"Call no man fortunate before his death;
it is by his end that a man will be known."

Whew. Clearly then there is no point to attitudes other than sheer acceptance and resignation in the face of God's Will. No point, neither to self-pity nor to envy. No point indeed to hopelessness nor to futility.

This to me is a real twist on the whole challenge of this horrible sense of futility and hopelessness that seems to engulf me constantly.

Futility is futile

Hopelessness is pointless

Nothing matters, nothing at all, nothing ... except God.

O Lord help me to keep my eyes fixed on my only hope beyond hopelessness and my only point beyond pointlessness.

You alone are the Lord

You alone are God

Oh my Momma I miss you so so so so much

Oh my God I beg you ... please please please ... take good care of my good Momma ...

And by Your Grace

Be of good mercy to her ... and to me ...

now and at the hour of my death ...

as at the hour of hers ...

I love you Momma

I love you God

Charles Delacroix
Wednesday in Week 1 in Ordinary Time

Lovely, Cold, Frosty Morning

This morning ... like yesterday morning ... the cemetery was blanketed in a lovely pre-dawn cover of frost. And the eastern sky looked cold but fine with color.

Oh Momma how you would love the sight ...

Perhaps God willing you do still ...

I love you Momma ...

I'm on my way to work. OOR said that we should stay at our tasks and do our duty till death claims us. Certainly that is what you did Momma. May I do so as well by God's Grace.

But oh ... oh oh oh ... oh I miss you so so much Momma ...

Charles Delacroix
Tuesday in Week 1 in Ordinary Time

First Day in Ordinary Time

Monday after the Baptism of the Lord ... Christmas Season is over ...

... and Ordinary Time is here ...

Momma ... Momma ... ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ....

O Lord

O Lord

Lord Jesus Christ I love you

Lord Jesus Christ please please please please take good care of my Momma please ...

I love you Momma

I love you God

I love you

and THANK YOU so very very very very very much Momma and Lord Jesus and ... and all

I love you and I thank you

Charles Delacroix
Monday of Week One in Ordinary Time

Atonement

I saw Atonement http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0783233/ this afternoon ... for about the 4th or 5th time.

And then watched the Globes announcements tonite ... and see it won Best Drama.

And I am just delighted.

What a moving, moving film ... most of all, really, because this is in many, many ways a movie all about Momma's generation ... and Dad's generation ... Briony was 13 in 1935. In 1935, Momma was 14.

I cried and cried throughout the Dunkirk sequence ...

Then at the cemetery I kept looking at Mom's "neighbors" who were in graves that clearly had been placed within the past (say) year ... none of these are really grassed over yet. And so many, so so many of these were men and women from Mom's generation ... with birth years so close to Mom's.

Oh Momma ... I am so deeply, deeply, deeply grateful to you ... and to all of your generation ...

Oh Momma how I miss you ... I miss you so so so much ....

I love you Lord Jesus please ... please please please ... take good care of my Momma ...

I love you Momma

I love you Lord Jesus

Charles Delacroix
Feast of the Baptism of the Lord

The Feast of the Baptism of Our Lord

Oh Lord ... mornings are still the worst time ... Oh Momma where are you ... why aren't you here ... oh Momma I miss you so much ...

And yet ...

on this day John the Baptizer anointed Our Lord for His Vocation to Suffering, according to the Hymn in OOR for today.

Oh Momma in this anointing and this vocation are your, and our, participation in Christ.

This can't be bad.

But it can hurt and hurt bad.

Oh Lord Thy Will not mine be done.

In this as in all things.

Charles Delacroix
Baptism of Our Lord

Thanks for History

Really what else is there to say ...

Thank you, Lord ... and thank you, Momma ... for allowing me the gift of yourselves ...

And the gift of History ...

And the gift of being allowed to walk a little way through History ...

The Movie Club with B.J. Wexler

It's Saturday night, so here in Tulsa it's Movie Club night on our PBS station OETA ... http://www.oeta.onenet.net/local/movie.html ... and that means that B.J. Wexler, the wonderful host of this wonderful program, has been hosting two wonderful movies tonite.

Momma and I always looked forward to The Movie Club ... and to B.J. Wexler, who we called "The Popcorn Man." He always starts off the night by filling a big tub of popcorn, such as we ourselves always loved ... how can you have a movie without popcorn, after all? And we always loved Wexler's comments and anecdotes and 'celebrity photos" and stories sent in my viewers. And of course his inveterate enthusiasm that led Momma every now and then to say, "You know, I think you can just tell that he really likes movies." I always agreed of course.

Tonite we had The Paper Chase (1973) and one of the Pink Panther movies with Inspector Clouseau. Just before Inspector Clouseau, Wexler warned us viewers that if we were headed for the kitchen to get a bite before the movie starts, he suggested we wait, so that we wouldn't miss the opening sequence and the wonderful animated credits introducing the movie. Well, I was indeed headed for the kitchen, and stopped, to watch the beginning of the movie. Wexler was right, as always: I was very glad not to miss the opening of this movie.

Oh Momma I miss you but oh I am so glad we were able to share the joys of The Movie Club so many times.

And thank you B.J. Wexler for your gift of yourself to us and to all viewers of The Movie Club.

Charles Delacroix
Eve of the Baptism of the Lord

History ... it is what it is

Tomorrow we celebrate the Baptism of the Lord ... and the end of Christmas Season ...

I feel yet again that feeling that momentous things are passing away ... the First Christmas after Momma's passing is itself passing ... all things are passing of course ... but oh ... isn't that what makes History, all History, any History, ultimately tragic?

No ... not ultimately tragic. But penultimately tragic. Ultimately History is Christ. And only in Christ is there Hope. For me, for Momma, for anyone. For History.

But oh oh oh ... it hurts how it hurts ... it is what it is in History ... and in Christ ... but oh oh oh how it hurts ... oh Momma I miss you so much ...

Yesterday I used the very last Lipton's teabag from a box of 100 teabags that I bought along with Momma back in ... oh probably August ... again it feels like such a horrible loss ... the last of the box of teabags we bought together ... I bought another box though ... and so Momma I will keep bringing you tea God willing ... oh but I miss you so ... and miss seeing you with your tea so very, very much ...

I watched Friends and Cheers and MASH tonite ... being Saturday night ... oh Momma how you would have enjoyed these ... as always ...

I love you and I miss you so much Momma ...

And now tomorrow is the Feast of the Baptism of the Lord ... by St John the Baptizer ... whose birthday is also your birthday Momma ... oh John good St John please intercede for my dear Momma ... please pray as well for me ... that this life that feels so horribly, horribly, horribly futile ... may find even in my empty, dead soul ... a way forward rooted in your Baptism ... ikon of the Baptism that plunges us all into the Death of Our Lord and we Hope thereby restores even the walking dead such as me to the only true Life ... some day that is ... now is the time of Holy Saturday, of Death, of existence in name only in The Tomb ... Easter is for later ... in Your Time, in Your Way, if and only if it should be thy will O Lord ...

Oh oh oh oh oh ... how it all hurts ... how empty everything feels ...

I love you Momma

I love you Lord Jesus

Please please please please please O Lord take good care of my Momma ...

Charles Delacroix
Eve of the Baptism of the Lord

History and story

I saw The Bucket List http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0825232/ today and was very glad I went. This is a movie full of dark humor and light humor and crude humor, and full of death and life and everything in between.

After I saw the movie, I went over to The Rose Gardens and spent some time cleaning away some of the debris still remaining from the big ice storm a month ago. The debris was in the part of the roses that Momma and the dog and I always went to ... I know Momma would have been glad to know I was volunteering a little clean up time for thsese lovely, lovely gardens.

After that, I went to Philbrook Museum of Art. First time I've been there, I think, since around Christmas. That's way too long ... I really need to plan to go about once a week, like before. To me that south wing is just full of story and history and life and death and everything in between.

It's the story and history in things like The Bucket List and Philbrook that really help me get just a little bit more connection, or reconnection, with a History that was severed so deeply by Mom's death.

Oh Momma thank you for the gift of life

Oh Momma thank you for the gift of life in history

Oh Momma thank you for the gift of life in story

Oh Momma thank you for the story that is Charles Lee

Oh Momma thank you for the story that is you

Oh Momma thank you for the gift of the story of humankind ... of history ... that you brought to mne in so many ways.

I love you Momma

I miss you Momma

I love you Jesus

Please please please please please Lord Jesus ... of your Courtesy and Charity ... take good, good of my Momma

I love you Momma

I love you Lord Jesus

Charles Delacroix
Eve of the Feast of the Baptism of Our Lord

Disconnection from History

This morning I was visiting, you, Momma ... and suddenly suddenly suddenly realized something about losing you that cuts so very deeply ... I mean one more of many many ways in which your loss cuts so very deeply ...

Momma ... you gave me so many many things ... and among those many things ... you gave me History ...

You were my connection with all of human History ...

History

My first interest ... my first love ... my first subject in college ... the first thing I always turn to when I'm really down ... and now ... and now I find that you ... my literal connection with all of human history back to Adam and Eve ... you were my History ... in so many ways ...

Oh oh oh oh oh ...

I still dont' really know what to think of this but I do know this dear Momma

I miss you so so so much

I miss you Momma

I feel disconnected from History without you

from reality from all that is

Existentially all that is real is to me human history in the Here and Now.

History intersecting with the Here and Now is ... well ... me ... in Christ ... Here and Now ...

And Momma you are my History ...

You gone leaves me deracinated and stripped of History ...

of Being

of Reality

Except only in You O Lord ...

Once again my only Hope ...

My only Faith Hope and Love

Your Way of the Cross stripped You of History

My Way of the Cross Following You is stripped of History as well

O Lord

O Lord

Charles Delacroix
Thursday before the Baptism of the Lord
The existential act that connected Our Lord with Human History in John the Baptist
Whose birthday is the birthday of my Momma

"Little Animals"

Momma so loved "little animals." So did I; so do I.

The bunny rabbits that came into our back yard so often were always welcome. Whenever we didn't get to spot one or the other of our "regular" rabbits, either Mom or I would say something like, "I wonder where our rabbits have got off to?" or "You know, if they're going to be off galivanting around or something, they could at least let us know so we won't worry about'em ..."

Birds ... Momma loved birds. She called them and their songs among the greatest things that God gave us in this world. There are some glass and porcelain blue birds above the sink. I think I gave one of them to Momma. She loved things like that.

Penguins are among my favorite creatures ... Mom and I both got such a kick out of talking about them. The penguins in Mary Poppins always brought a smile to Mom's face ... and to mine.

But Mom's favorites were any "little fuzzy animals." Squirrels, chipmunks, rabbits ... even little mice. We had problems at one time with mice in the house. Thankfully gone now with some pest control assistance. But every now & then before that she or I or both would see a little mouse scurrying along a wall in the living room or kitchen. I put out traps, bait, etc, but they kept coming for awhile. Momma said every now and then "We've got to get rid of them ... but ... they are kinda cute ..." I'd laugh and say, "Well, yes ... they are kinda cute ..." and we'd both laugh and banter back and forth about these fuzzy little creatures ... before agreeing once again that (of course) they had to go.

We were planning to go to the zoo last summer. Mom's health never quite allowed her to feel up to it ... but oh how she would have loved it. We last went several years ago I think. She loved all the animals ... except the snakes, to be sure ... but she most loved the little furry creatures at the zoo.

Oh Momma how I miss you ... nothing nothing nothing is the same without you ... I look at the little fuzzy stuffed animals and I love them still but oh how I miss you and how I miss talking with you about them and I think at some level they miss you too.

Above all ... above all ... our Spooky, our fuzzy puppy dog, she and Iboth miss you so ...

Oh Momma how I miss you

Oh Momma how we all miss you

Oh Momma I love you so much

Oh Lord Jesus ... please please please ... take good care of my good Momma ...

I love you Momma

I love you Jesus

Charles Delacroix
Thursday in Christmas Season before the Baptism of the Lord

Letting Go of Letting Go

Lord, just for today, let me let go of letting go.

You who wept at the Tomb of Lazarus, You Who most fortunately did not Let Go of the Cross as You made Your Way to Calvary, You Who did not Let Go of Your Crucifix as Your Precious Blood flowed from Your Side and Your Hands and Your Feet ... You Who do not Let Go of a single sparrow that falls from the sky ... please please please please ... do not let go of my dear Momma ... take good, good, good care of her ... and of me ... of Your Love and Mercy O Lord.

I love you Momma

I love you Jesus

I love you

Thank you O Lord

Thank you Momma

Thank you

Charles Delacroix
Wednesday in Christmas before the Baptism of Our Lord

South Park Catholicism

OK ... I'll admit ... I get a kick out of South Park, and the Simpsons, and the Family Guy.

Even though I know Momma would detest all of them ...

Oh Momma though ... how I miss you ... how I miss everything about you being here including not being able to watch South Park.

I love you

I miss you

Oh Jesus please please please please take good care of my Momma

Love

Charles Delacroix
Tuesday in Christmas Season before the Baptism of the Lord

Friends

Well all channels are showing the rotational activity (possible tornados) moving off southeast of me ... and of Mom ... thank God ... Oh Lord preserve all those in the path of this storm ...

But Friends just came on TV ... I need to get to sleep but may watch this for a little. Momma and I both liked Friends so much. It's so relaxed and fun ... oh Momma I so miss you being here so we could both laugh and talk about it ...

I love you and miss you so much Momma ...

Charles Delacroix
Feast of St Raymond

Overwork ... ?

I talked with another prospective employer who had been calling me since last Friday. I plain had neglected to call her back ... partly because I've just started a full-time job. But she called me tonite and after discussion I accepted a part time job with her. That'll be another 4 hours on Monday and Wednesday nights. So that's another 8 hours on top of my current 40. I hope I'm not overdoing ... yet it's undeniable that if sustainable this could help me fund my effort to stay in my (and Momma's) home.

Oh good St Joseph, Patron of Work, pray for me and by your intercession show me the right way ...

Oh Momma how I miss you how I miss you ...

Weather says there's some rotation, almost pre-tornadic, in the area of Coweta and south of Coweta. That's not all that far from Momma ... and from me ...

Oh Lord Jesus watch over us all by thy grace ...

I love you ....

I love you Momma ...

I love you all ...

thank you all ...

In Christ,

Charles Delacroix
Feast of St Raymond

Forgetfulness ... and on to the Baptism of the Lord

I was driving to Mom's and suddenly thought, "Oh no!" Yesterday was Epiphany, and isn't today Ordinary Time? And me still carrying my Advent/Christmas D.O. book.

And then I found that I was ... as so often ... forgetting ... and jumping to conclusions. Christmas Season lasts until the Feast of the Baptism of the Lord next Sunday.

So I found the Proper for OOR and prayed it as always. And MP from the Office for the Dead as usual.

In the 2nd Reading, for today's Feast of St Raymond, he mentions double and treble blows to the heart, and reminds us, reminds me, that the Way of the Cross is a Way of Pain ... by definition as it were ... oh how easy it is for me to forget this ...

Oh Lord help me to embrace my little Cross in following You Bearing Your Great Cross
Oh Lord please please please ... take good care of my Momma ...

Be with me at work today please Oh Lord

I love you Momma

I love you Jesus

I love you Joseph Patron of Workers

Please pray for me and for my Momma.

I love you

Charles Delacroix
Feast of St Raymond of Peñafort

WTF is still the question ...

The challenge for me isn't how to move forward. It's why.

WTF is still so often the question for me.

I'm still in so many ways walking the Way of Father Job. The Way of Christ. The Way of the Cross. The Way to which we are all called.

Job finally made it to Chapter 42. I'm still somewhere in the middle of Chapters 3 - 41. Job did make it to 42 though. Maybe I will too. God willing.

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, Have Mercy on me.

And please please please please please ... take good care of my good Momma ...

I love you Momma

I love you O Lord

Thy will not mine be done.

But WTF O Lord. WTF.

OK then.

The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.
Blessed be the name of the Lord.

By Thy grace I take my stand at Job Chapter 2 O Lord.

By Thy Grace may I come to Job Chapter 42.

Thy will not mine be done.

Charles Delacroix
Epiphany

Methodism and Mom ... and Me

Yesterday, I received a letter from the Methodist Board of Pensions.

It was a very nice letter, offering condolences and gratitude for Mom's dedication to the Methodist Church as an employee back in the 1950s.

Mom was born and raised Methodist, in a family in which Methodism ran deep and wide. Her great-grandfather (my great-great-grandfather) Samuel Arthur was a Methodist preacher and circuit rider. I still have his pulpit Bible. As teenagers, Mom and her sister went to Methodist youth camps in Missouri in the 1930s. She was married in the Methodist Church in Jefferson City in World War II. She worked as a financial secretary for Boston Avenue Methodist Church in Tulsa, Oklahoma, in the 1950s ... hence her pension. She sang in the choir at Boston Avenue and later at Memorial Drive Methodist Church ... and later yet, at Church Street Methodist Church in Knoxville, Tennessee. She was involved in so many things in the Methodist Church in Tulsa though. I found a newspaper photo of Mom and some other women from Memorial Drive Methodist Church in the 1960s, when she was President of the Women's Society. I found too a cookbook the Women's Society put together ... with recipe contributions of Mom.

As she aged, Mom participated in many things less and less, including church. However, I feel more grateful than I can express that she and I were able in March of last year to resume attendance at none other than Memorial Drive Methodist Church. She could not rise from her wheelchair at that point, but she sang the hymns with strength and gusto and transparent depth of appreciation. The pastor and congregation were wonderfully welcoming, and Mom's final months of life were in many ways sustained by a re-connection with the Methodist faith of her long life that leave tears in my eyes to this day. I am grateful that when preparing Momma's garments for her burial, I found one of her Methodist Women's Society pins, and pinned it to her blouse. She was buried with roses in her hands and the Methodist Women's Society pin on her lapel.

I myself was baptized at Boston Avenue Methodist Church, and received Confirmation at Memorial Drive Methodist Church. I still have the Bible I received at Confirmation. It's still my favorite Bible, although the boards have long broken away. I can remember still the workbooks at Memorial Drive ... all about the central figures of Christiantiy, Jesus and Paul and John, to be sure, but also about the wonderful men and women of nascent Methodism: John Wesley and Charles Wesley and Francis Asbury and Mrs Wesley ... the mother, in many ways, of Methodism, who Mom admired and who she looked to, I think, as a model. I remember a wonderful old gentleman at Memorial Drive, too, who always had his pockets full of Dentyne chewing gum - in red & green wraps. He handed the gum out to all of us kids with a kindness and smile that warms my heart to this day.

I myself took a spiritual journey that led me to conversion to Roman Catholicism in 1982. I don't think Momma ever really understood this ... but she never, ever criticized or opposed my decision and subsequent walk as a Catholic. I will never forget her gift to me of a very nice hardback edition of C.S. Lewis, the wonderful Anglican writer. She never understood my love of Lewis, but she knew how I loved and honored him, and went to great trouble to get for me a gift edition of his Mere Christianity.

Oh Momma ... somehow that letter from the Board of Pensions felt yesterday and feels today like something drawing to an end a special, special, special relationship ... between you and a Methodist Church and a Methodist Christian Faith that was so deep in your heart and bones and faith that I truly see the Methodist Church as my co-natural mother, even as the Catholic Church is my Mother in Faith today. This will never, ever change the motherhood of Methodism for me. And will never, ever change the motherhood that is first and deepest in my very being. You Momma are for me Ikon of all Motherhood.

Oh Lord Jesus I pray for the Methodist Church, and for all Methodists anywhere; and I ask for the prayers in turn of all Methodists who have gone before sealed in the sign of their faith, those who found their hope in You realized after they passed from this vale of tears.

I pray especially for John Wesley, Charles Wesley, Mrs Wesley, Francis Asbury, Pastor Sharon of Memorial Drive Methodist Church, Pastor Samuel Arthur, Pastor and Bishop Galloway of Boston Avenue Methodist Church. I ask for their prayers in turn.

Oh Momma ... I love you and miss you so so so so so much ...

Please please please O Jesus take good care of my Momma ...

I love you Jesus

I love you Momma

Charles Delacroix
Feast of Epiphany of Our Lord

Settin' a Spell

The weather was so nice this morning that I was able to take a chair down to the grave and "set a spell". I took along some Earl Grey tea for Momma ... sort of special in a way but then it's Epiphany ... and I prayed the OOR from the Proper and MP from the Office for the Dead except that I took the Antiphon for the Canticle of Zechariah from the Proper. I cried and I cried and I cried and had a really wonderful/painful/good visit with Momma.

Oh Momma how I do miss you so much .... how I do miss us "settin' a spell" together in the past ... yet we can still in a way do it yet it seems ... Oh Momma ...

I love you Jesus

Please O Magi and all the Angels & Saints, pray for my Momma ... and me ...

Charles Delacroix
Epiphany

Balmy morning ... bleak morning ...

I woke up htis morning crying and feeling this horrible emptiness. I looked over at Mom's chair and she's ... not there.

Bleak morning ...

And balmy morning ...

The weather here is just extaordinarily balmy. Temps in the upper 60s, expected to climb into the 70s. Breezy but clear skies.

Spooky and I visited Woodward Park again. I felt this horrible bleakness but also there was this feeling of newness of freshness of new things. Of Christ. New and old ... Calvary and Easter ... Christmas and Holy Saturday ... what a world ...

Oh my ...

I love you Momma and miss you so much ...

please please please please please please please O Lord ...

take good care of my dear Momma ...

I'm coming to see you Momma ... this morning, I come to see you in your place of rest in this world ... some day, God willing, I will come to see you in another place ... God willing

I love you Momma

I miss you so much ... so much ...

I love you Jesus ...

I love you all

Charles Delacroix
Epiphany

"The Seven Year Itch"

"The Seven Year Itch" (1955) http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0048605/fullcredits#cast is on OETA's Movie Club tonite. Momma, if you were here, I know you'd be like me ... you'd love watching this. I would ask you about it, and say I hadn't seen it before, and you'd have something to say ... but I don't know what. You would say something about Marilyn Monroe, about her big-busted rep ... but I don't know if you've seen this movie or not. Probably so. But I don't know.

You know, though, I really like it. Made in 1955 ... just a year after I was born. Marilyn Monroe is ... well, Marilyn Monroe. But Tom Ewell as Richard Sherman is really a sheer delight as the anxious comic. the imagined scenes are wonderful.

It's the generation shown in the movie .. your generation, Momma - that really captures my interest ... this looks so like ... your generation, Momma, yours and Daddy's. The script is really wellcrafted. And ... and I get a glimpse of your life I think Momma a little bit.

Oh I love you Momma

Tony Bennett, MASH, and Star Trek

MASH was on tonite, and so was an amazing PBS special on Tony Bennett. And there was an ad for Star Trek tonite at 10 PM

Momma, you would have loved all of these.

And perhaps especially you would have loved Tony Bennett ... whose delightful fansite http://www.tonybennett.net/ says that Mr Bennett was 82 years old ... only half a decade younger than you, dear Momma.

Oh how I wish you were here so we could enjoy this program on TV together.

I love you and miss you Momma.

In Christ,

Charles Delacroix
Eve of Epiphany

A Walk in Woodward Park & the Rose Garden

This afternoon, I took the dog to Woodward Park ... we had very unseasonably mild weather ... I think the temp got up to 68 ... and it was so nice to just get out there and go for a walk.

Things still look rough down there, but better: there were really a fairly good number of people out, families going for walks, kids swinging on swings ... although parents were also clearly making sure the kids didn't get too far into the park, since there's still a lot of debris there. As there is everywhere around here, really. Midtown still looks like a tornado tore through. Still, I understand that Tulsa has awarded a major clean-up contract, using FEMA funding, and hopefully we'll get a major boost within the next week or two. Things are even now better down at the Rose Garden - there was a lot of damage there, and Spooky and I couldn't even get to the little alcove where Mom and the dog and I so often sat ... but today for the first time we could get there.

It was really very nice ... but of course ... that little alcove just doesn't really look right without you here, Momma. Just not right at all without you ...

I'm feeling better though. Yesterday was my third day back at work and I feel like I'm settling in just a bit more. They have been very understanding, I just need to be careful not to overcommit. So far so good anyway.

Momma ... oh Momma ... good is not good when you aren't here ... or that's the way it feels ...

Please please please Lord Jesus ... take care of my Momma ... of Your Love and Mercy ...

I love you Momma

I love you Lord Jesus

On this eve of Epiphany O Lord ... let Your Light be Kind to Momma and all of us

Lead Kindly Light ...

I love you

Charles Delacroix
Eve of Epiphany

Of mornings, moons, dogs, and comic strips

There was an amazingly beautiful pre-dawn sky this morning. Mom you would have loved it. Looking southeast from your grave, there was a clear, dark sky with an exquisite sliver of a crescent moon haning above the horizon. There was a bright, bright star above the moon. And after morning prayers, I saw a pre-sunrise array of lavender and purple and grey in the sky just beyond that early morning black silhouettes of the trees across the drive from your burial section.

I took the car to get it fixed ... your car Momma ... and while I was waiting at Whataburger, eating breakfast and working on my computer, the store manager loaned me a morning paper. It's been awhile since I've looked at a plain old morning paper, so it was nice in a way ... yet I kept breaking into tears looking at it, because I kept seeing thing that reminded me of you, Mom.

For example, there was a special feature on dogs ... oh Momma you and I would have both talked and laughed about it. Then the comics in the back of the paper: we would have talked about Garfield, you loved Garfiled. I read Beetle Bailey, another old favorite, but I couldn't hold back the tears, as it showed Beetle at home, with his Mom & Dad, on a furlough. And then I read Red and Rover. I don't remember what it was about; I don't know that I ever really cared, but what I liked was the motif involving a delightful relationships between a little boy and a dog. I would read it, and then I would say to you, "Momma I just think Red and Rover, they just go together!" And you would smile, and say, "Sure they do!"

Oh Momma tomorrow is the Epiphany ... and Christmas Season will be over ... usually a relief for me ... but this time ... it just seems like one more "end", one more "last time", one more turning of a page that says that you are gone, that we are separated, apart.

Oh Momma how I miss you

Oh Jesus I love you

Oh Jesus please please please please take good care of my Mommm ... please please please

I love you Jesus

I love you Momma

I love you Mary

I love you all saints who have gone before

I love you

Thank you now and always ...

Charles Delacroix
Eve of the Feast of Epiphany

Worth it ... all the Way ...

I remembered, for some reason, looking at Mom's jewelry box a month or ago. There was much sentimental treasure, but nothing of great monetary value. Fortunately, Mom and I had looked at it within a month or so of her death. How much pleasure there was in simply sitting and pulling out this or that and her telling the Tale of what each meant to her.

There's not much money there. But there's a treasure that nothing in Fort Knox could match, much less the world or the universe.

Mom had many expenses as her health waned. Yet she was a woman of great frugality though.

I remember her telling a story about Grandma - her mother - according to which Grampa (Lee) used to say that Bertha could "sit on a dime and leave 9/10 showing" ... :-) ... Aunt Edna and I were talking about this a week or so ago, and Aunt Edna said she said she remembers Grampa saying it, too. To me this is so moving ... and yet one more way in which Mom was so very like her own mother.

All the same, Mom did have many health-related expenses in what can be called in retrospect her declining years. Especially in the year before her death. It wasn't really very unusual for Mom to avoid spending money on herself that anyone else in the world would spend without a second thought. Part of my own role in supporting Mom during this time was to express my own strong opinion, again and again, to the effect that "Mom, it's your money. I think you should spend it on anything you want. How about spending it on you? You deserve it. You're worth it."

Of course the big expense for her was her health. I'm just very, very glad that she was able to overcome her own reluctance to spend her money on herself to do so anyway. She deserved it ... in so many, many ways.

Oh my ... you know, I was at one grief support group in which the topic was the money spent at the end. We were all talking about how much money we all spent, and that we all encouraged our loved ones to spend, in "staving off the inevitable" ... so to speak. We all talked about this and you know, there wasn't one person there who said that he or she would have made a different decision, or series of decisions, regarding these things. Not that anyone was happy about the cost of medical care these days. But we all know that prolonging life is expensive. That's reality. Still, someone pointed out that from birth that's what our money goes to, in effect, doesn't it, for all of us.

In this holy and terrible season of Christmas, when we celebrate the Incarnation of God, True God and True Man, Who spent everything on His Way of the Cross through this vale of tears, we all agreed, that it was worth it. Worth it all the Way.

Oh God, though, I miss her so much.

Momma, I love you so ... so so so much ...

Lord Jesus Christ I love you so ...

And Lord Jesus ... please please please ... take good, good, good care of my dear Momma ...

I love you and am more grateful than I can ever begin to express ... O Lord ... and Momma ...

Charles Delacroix
Feast of the Holy Name of Jesus

Thank you Momma; thank you Lord Jesus; thank you Mary

It was really so nice visiting Momma in the early morning darkness. There's a clear sky, a beautiful crescent moon, and frost sparkling in the headlights of the truck. Momma I think would love this morning ... except for the cold: it's 22 deg F.

I feel better. Still worried, still afflicted by that sense of purposelessness, except ... and this is a big "except" for me these days ... visiting Mom and praying the Office at her grave, morning & evening, still feels like purpose today. As does seeking to purchase my sister's interest in my home ,.. your home, Momma, and mine. Another source of worry ... but at least it's something to work for.

By Your Grace O Lord.

I love you Lord Jesus

I love you Momma

I love you Mary

Thank you so much for my dear Momma

Please please please take good care of Momma ... as she took such good care of me ... o Momma how I miss you ...

Charles Delacroix
Feast of the Most Holy Name of Our Lord

Going to visit Momma ...

Since I can't sleep anyway ... and some mornings ... and nights ... are likely to be like this ... based on past experience ... well I can go ahead and make my morning visit to you, Momma. Why not. Be back shortly ... Momma I'll meet you and Jesus at the cemetery ... :-) ...

Is it possible to experience both futility and worry at the same time?

I guess so ... whew, that's how I'm feeling anyay, both at the same time.

I started my new job yesterday, and am already feeling sort of overwhelmed ... and a sense of being pulled to over-commit and over-work in order to feel secure in my new position. That way, I know from the past, leads to either madness or burnout or both. That honors neither myself, for whom after all Christ died; nor Momma, whose devastating loss I seek to respond to with some sense of integrity and love.

So I've really got to be careful about this whole thing. And apparently I can worry about these things ... and yet still feel this all-permeating sense of Futilitatis. Oh my Lord; oh my Momma. Help me.

Oh Lord by Your Holy Name be merciful to me

Lord Jesus by Your Sacred Name please please please be good oh Lord to my dear Momma

I love you Momma

I love you Lord Jesus

I love you Mary

I love you Joseph

I love you all angels and saints

I love you I just worry and don't know where I'm going or why

Help me O Lord Jesus

I love you

Charles Delacroix
Feast of the Holy Name of Jesus

New Year, New Job

Well, I report to work at my 2 job in 2 hours. That's enough time for me to get a bite to eat and go by the cemetery for Office.

This will be my first job with a W-2 since I quit "official" employment last March to take care of Momma. St Joseph, patron of workers, lend my hands and my efforts your strength and your dedication as I undertake this new duty of labor and service which I dedicate to you and to your Most Holy Family.

How do I feel about going to work this morning ... ? I look at your chair, Momma, and wonder, of course, what is the point ...

Well ... the point is I have to eat, for one thing ...

At least I guess I do ... but what is the point of eating ... of living ... when your chair sits empty?

But I'm just saying these things ... it's how I feel but I know O Lord that You, and You alone, give reason and meaning and purpose to anything at all, and you invest even my dear Momma's empty chair with worth and meaning and value infinitely greater than anything imaginable by this mortal, at least.

O Lord ... help me please ... to see in what I do in this world ... something of a way to honor my dear Momma's life ... her gift to me ... to us ... Your gift to me and to us ...

And O Lord ...

Please please please please please

Take good care of Momma ...

I love you Momma

I love you Jesus

I love you Mary

I love you St Joseph

Charles Delacroix
Ss Basil & Gregory

Hello, Dolly!

The PBS special shows some of Angela Lansbury as Mame on Broadway ... and of Hello, Dolly! (1969) with Barbra Streisand and Walter Mathau. What a wonderful, beautiful musical.

Momma you loved Hello, Dolly, and so did I ... I remember us watching it, you in your chair, me stretched out on the floor in front of the TV. That was ... and is ... a happy memory.

Thank you Momma ...

Thank you Lord Jesus ...

Thank you for musicals ... :-) ...

Charles Delacroix
Mary Mother of God

Murder She Wrote, Ellery Queen, and Perry Mason

I was watching PBS tonite ... about Broadway musicals ... and there was a contribution by the great Angela Lansbury ...

And that remined me of how much Momma and I loved Angela Lansbury's Murder She Wrote. And the TV Ellery Queen and of course Perry Mason were favorites too. Mom would compare what we saw on TV ... in Ellery Queen and Perry Mason ... to what she'd read in the books with these characters. Perry Mason, Mom would say, was depicted by Erle Stanley Gardner as being rather pot-bellied ... a Perry Mason who sat in a chair in a "shot-in-the-belly position."

Momma how you loved these shows ... and how I loved them too ...

Oh Momma ... I love you and miss you ...

Thank you Lord for Momma ... and for Angela Lansbury and Ellery Queen and Perry Mason, who gave so much pleasure to so many ... Momma and I among the many ...

Charles Delacroix
Feast of Mary Mother of God

A Viennese New Year

PBS is having a wonderful special tonite ... a Great Performances, set in Vienna, with the Viennese Philharmonic, hosted for PBS by Walter Cronkite. This is a performance earlier tonite (?) and ushers in the New Year.

Oh Momma you would just love this ... there are waltzes, and polkas, and Strauss, and of course the Blue Danube. There is the loveliest opera house interior, and there are delightfully choreographed ballroom dancing. Momma you would love this so much ... oh oh oh how I miss you, how I miss looking at you smiling and listening and watching what I know would give you so much pleasure.

Ah my ... my my my ... it is all so very, very lovely Momma ... and yes ... I too love watching and listening ... but ... but really ... oh I so miss watching you watching the performance; I so miss listening to you say how you felt about this performance; I so miss watching you smile.

Oh your smile Momma ... I so miss your smile ...

Oh Lord Jesus please please please ... take good care of my Momma ...

I love you Jesus

I love you Mary Most Holy Mother of God

I love you Momma

Charles Delacroix
Solemnity of Mary Mother of God

Moving Forward (?) ... The Tree is Down

OK ... I just finished putting away the Christmas things, and the tree is down. I put it on the other side of the back fence, along with some tree trimmings from the ice storm damage in the back. I'll take these things away this afternoon, God willing.

Everything's back in place in the living room, now. Momma, I know you would approve: it's New Year's Day, and everything from Christmas should be put away, and everthing else back in place.

Of course there is one thing ... one person ... not in place at all. Oh Momma. I suppose you are in the Place desired for you from all eternity. But oh oh oh oh Momma ... please Lord Jesus understand ... please oh Blessed Mary Mother of God understand ... oh I know you do ... I know you do ... oh nothing nothing nothing really feels "in place" here with Momma gone ...

Ohhhhhhhhhhh ....

Well now what ... I was going to put the tree & limbs in my truck & after dropping them off, I was going to either go see a movie, or stop at a Whataburger and work on either cards & letters, or on sorting through my student loan stuff to get ready for work tomorrow ...

Work ... tomorrow!

Oh how strange it feels ... I look forward to my new job ... and yet ... and yet ... a big part of me wonders what the point is ... with Momma not here ...

"Mahlesh" as we would say back in Tripoli, right, Momma? "Mahlesh": it doesn't matter.

Oh I know it matters ... everything matters ... in you O Lord ... but oh nothing feels like that right now ...

A year starts ... and so what? What's the point?

Mahlesh ...

The hand of Futility may weigh heavy now but O Lord by your Grace and O Momma and O Mary by your prayers I know things are bound to get better ...

Oh Lord help me to Move Forward ... I can't believe I'm using those words but O Lord I am ... whatever the hell Moving Forward means O Lord help me to Move Forward in You ...

I love you Lord Jesus

I love you Momma

I love you Mary

Oh Lord Jesus please please please take good care of my dear Momma

O Mary Mother of God by your intercessions help my dear Momma

Charles Delacroix
Mary Mother of God

"Mary, you see, is our sister, for we are all born from Adam."

"Mary, you see, is our sister, for we are all born from Adam." ... from the 2nd Reading for today, St Athanasius, see http://www.universalis.com/20080101/readings.htm.

So Mary is truly our Mother and at the same time she is truly our sister. For she, like all of us, was born of Adam and Eve. At the same time, she is New Eve, consort of the New Adam, though giving birth to the New Adam by the Holy Spirit. Made by God; wed to God; mother of God. This is Mary.

And how very fitting to begin the New Year celebrating the Mother of God. For before all things was God, and He is the origin of all that is. But God's Mother is no less than the origin of God, Mother of God, Mother of Christ, True God and True Man.

O Mary, Holy Mother of God, pray for my dear Momma ...

She too was my origin and my source in all things. She was my beginning, my New Year, my soil and my root.

I love you Momma

I love you Mary

I love you Jesus

Charles Delacroix
Solemnity of the Mother of God

Happy New Year. I guess ...

January 1, 2008. Momma how do I do a New Year's Day ... how do I do a New Year ... how do I do anything ... and you aren't here?

I ask and know the answer of course: I just do it.

Oh Momma though I miss you so much.

Wherever you are ... oh have a Happy New Year ... and a Happy Eternity ... may my eternity some day by God's Grace be joined once again with yours.

Oh Lord Jesus I love you. On this New Year's Day ... throughout this New Year ... please please please please ... by the veneration we gladly give to your own dear mother on this happy feast day of her Motherhood ... oh please please please please please ... take good care of my dear Momma as you have from all eternity taken good care of your own ...

I love you Mary

I love you Joseph

I love you Jesus

Charles Delacroix
Feast of Mary Mother of God