I've thought and prayed about this and although I asked for, and received, last week an Rx for Prozac ... I've been deferring and plan to continue to defer same ... for now ....
Depression is a real problem for me ... because it reduces my functionality so much it seems ... but there's just no doubt that for me my Depression comes straight from my Grief ... and Momma although functionality really is critical, I think using other means to vent and honor my grief is better if by God's crace I am allowed to do so ...
Oh I love you Momma and I miss you
I love you Jesus
Oh God I miss you Momma so much
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Do the Next Right Thing
That's an old NA saying.
The trouble for me is that Doing ... Doing anything ... is such a challenge when I'm depressed, whether by grief or anything else.
Well I finally decided to go see a movie ... and visited Momma on the way. And cried and cried and told her again and again how much I miss her and ... oh God how painful and yet so right.
This was Doing the Next Right Thing. According to my Call by Our Lord to respond to the catastophe of Momma's passing with as much honor and integrity and authenticity and honesty as I can muster.
It was so nice there Momma ... with you ... oh God how painful ... and yet I felt so much gratitude that you had even passed your time here and had nurtured me and raised me ... and I felt such connection with others there ... and more gratitude when seeing the graves of those much younger than me ... yet most were from your generation Momma ... oh God how sad and yet as Momma said, "It's the way things are."
The way things are. Yes. But part of responding with authenticiy and honesty to your passing Momma is to declare with anger and sorrow and rage that this is not right, this is utterly wrong ... and in so doing I'm of course just a little reflection of Job ... who is a much greater reflection of You, Lord Jesus, on the Cross ... lama lama sabacthani ...
Then I went to see my movie ... WALL-E (2008) http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0910970/ ... just a delightful movie and I took away from it once again the affirmation that I am to Do the Next Right Thing ... that's all, no more, no less, no other.
Oh God oh Momma ... I miss you so so so so so much
Lord Jesus please please please ... take good care of my good Momma
I love you Momma
I love you Jesus
Charles Delacroix
Solemnity of Ss Peter & Paul Apostles
The trouble for me is that Doing ... Doing anything ... is such a challenge when I'm depressed, whether by grief or anything else.
Well I finally decided to go see a movie ... and visited Momma on the way. And cried and cried and told her again and again how much I miss her and ... oh God how painful and yet so right.
This was Doing the Next Right Thing. According to my Call by Our Lord to respond to the catastophe of Momma's passing with as much honor and integrity and authenticity and honesty as I can muster.
It was so nice there Momma ... with you ... oh God how painful ... and yet I felt so much gratitude that you had even passed your time here and had nurtured me and raised me ... and I felt such connection with others there ... and more gratitude when seeing the graves of those much younger than me ... yet most were from your generation Momma ... oh God how sad and yet as Momma said, "It's the way things are."
The way things are. Yes. But part of responding with authenticiy and honesty to your passing Momma is to declare with anger and sorrow and rage that this is not right, this is utterly wrong ... and in so doing I'm of course just a little reflection of Job ... who is a much greater reflection of You, Lord Jesus, on the Cross ... lama lama sabacthani ...
Then I went to see my movie ... WALL-E (2008) http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0910970/ ... just a delightful movie and I took away from it once again the affirmation that I am to Do the Next Right Thing ... that's all, no more, no less, no other.
Oh God oh Momma ... I miss you so so so so so much
Lord Jesus please please please ... take good care of my good Momma
I love you Momma
I love you Jesus
Charles Delacroix
Solemnity of Ss Peter & Paul Apostles
Denouement yet again
Spooky *really* had a hard time getting into the car ... she made it, but it was hard. She was walking so stiffly. It must be the arthritis.
We walked around the flood basin over by Memorial Drive UMC. Momma's Church.
We took it slow ...slow ... and even so, she was exhausted by the time we got back to the car. I had to help pick her up so that she could get into the Passenger Side seat. The seat that was Momma's seat.
She lay down and just lay there in the back seat all the way home.
I kept crying and crying .. trying not to let her see me ... oh Momma I have tried to take good care of your dog but oh ... oh she too is getting old.
It's Denouement all over again.
I fixed her dinner and put some aspirin in with her dog food. Fresh water. I gave her boiled eggs, Momma, just like you made them, earlier on. And I gave her some "bitesies" of cheese. Or as we laughingly called it, "cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez". Yes she liked that.
Oh God I just don't see how the hell people make it through these things.
I've got to get some brown eggs at the store tonite. That's what you boiled for her Momma ... brown eggs. Or as we laughingly called those ... "brOWWWWnnnnn EGGGzzzz ..."
Oh God I miss you so much Momma
So much
And now Spooky ... oh God.
I promised her we wouldn't attempt the basin circuit by Memorial Drive UMC again. She just lay there and panted and rested.
Momma in that last denouement ... I remember thinking again and again and again ... so many times ... that this would be the last thing like this we do together, or that would be the last of that thing we do together, and so on. And now with Spooky the same. Tonite is the last ... in all probability the last ... time that we walk together around the circuit of the basin by the church.
Oh God. We'll go for walks over at the school ... shorter, easier ... or maybe in the neighborhood ... if she can make it ... as long as she can make it ...
But that's Denouement ... tonite is a Last Time. There will be other Last Times. Until the final Last Time.
Oh God.
Like grass indeed here today gone tomorrow.
Help me God help me Lord Jesus I pray I beg thee.
Momma you walked the Way of the Cross till the very end
Spooky walks her Way of the Cross till the very end
May I walk my Way of the Cross till the very end
Love and Tears,
Charles Delacroix
Solemnity of the Apostles Peter & Paul
We walked around the flood basin over by Memorial Drive UMC. Momma's Church.
We took it slow ...slow ... and even so, she was exhausted by the time we got back to the car. I had to help pick her up so that she could get into the Passenger Side seat. The seat that was Momma's seat.
She lay down and just lay there in the back seat all the way home.
I kept crying and crying .. trying not to let her see me ... oh Momma I have tried to take good care of your dog but oh ... oh she too is getting old.
It's Denouement all over again.
I fixed her dinner and put some aspirin in with her dog food. Fresh water. I gave her boiled eggs, Momma, just like you made them, earlier on. And I gave her some "bitesies" of cheese. Or as we laughingly called it, "cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez". Yes she liked that.
Oh God I just don't see how the hell people make it through these things.
I've got to get some brown eggs at the store tonite. That's what you boiled for her Momma ... brown eggs. Or as we laughingly called those ... "brOWWWWnnnnn EGGGzzzz ..."
Oh God I miss you so much Momma
So much
And now Spooky ... oh God.
I promised her we wouldn't attempt the basin circuit by Memorial Drive UMC again. She just lay there and panted and rested.
Momma in that last denouement ... I remember thinking again and again and again ... so many times ... that this would be the last thing like this we do together, or that would be the last of that thing we do together, and so on. And now with Spooky the same. Tonite is the last ... in all probability the last ... time that we walk together around the circuit of the basin by the church.
Oh God. We'll go for walks over at the school ... shorter, easier ... or maybe in the neighborhood ... if she can make it ... as long as she can make it ...
But that's Denouement ... tonite is a Last Time. There will be other Last Times. Until the final Last Time.
Oh God.
Like grass indeed here today gone tomorrow.
Help me God help me Lord Jesus I pray I beg thee.
Momma you walked the Way of the Cross till the very end
Spooky walks her Way of the Cross till the very end
May I walk my Way of the Cross till the very end
Love and Tears,
Charles Delacroix
Solemnity of the Apostles Peter & Paul
What I Want
It suddenly occurs to me that what's really driving this WTF business for me is this:
What I want ... everything I want ... is gone. Somewhere else. Not here. Not now. Not here-and-now.
Well. How very different is this from the past? I've always felt that kind of Sehnsucht driving me at some level or another.
But that's the point. Hunger,thirst, longing all can be drivers, can be motivators.
This enormous hole, this enormous absence, this overwhelming lack is leaving me not hungry or thirsty so much as just Not.
Oh God how I miss my Momma. My here-and-now Momma is ... is Not. Just Not.
Not Here
Not Now
Not Here-and-Now
My name may as well be Not.
Maybe it is. Doesn't Revelation say that in the Resurrection we receive a stone with our True Name on it.
Maybe my name is Not.
There is another name though for Not isn't there.
Oh God there is another name for that vast arid emptiness that seems nothing but pain and that is simply me ... me being Not.
But Christ Crucified is by the Cross of Suffering rendered Not at some level isn't He.
And on Good Friday ... all is stripped away and He is Not anything but pain and suffering pouring forth from His Cross
And on Holy Saturday ... O Lord You are Dead, Dead in a Tomb, you are Not, you are emptiness and waiting and vast, vast death ... in the Dead Heart of Jesus
So ...
So this isn't it seems such a bad place to be
If it's Calvary with You Lord, or if it's the Tomb with You Lord
Then it can't be such a bad place to be at all
So I am Not, I am Dead, I am Naught, I am gaping devastation ...
Responding as best I can to the gaping horror and devastation of your passing Momma ...
Well then
It all fits really
O God
O God it hurts so much
O God then it's right. It's wrong but it's right. It's the Cross of Christ.
So Dame Julian of Norwich is right.
All will be well and all will be well and all will be most well
But in the meantime ... before the "will be" becomes the "is" ...
Here I am in the Dead Heart of Jesus
Here I am on the Way of the Cross
Here it hurts it hurts it hurts
But it doesn't hurt alone ...
Oh Jesus oh Job oh Qoheleth
Not alone at least
Oh God havfe mercy on me a sinner.
Charles "Not" Delacroix
What I want ... everything I want ... is gone. Somewhere else. Not here. Not now. Not here-and-now.
Well. How very different is this from the past? I've always felt that kind of Sehnsucht driving me at some level or another.
But that's the point. Hunger,thirst, longing all can be drivers, can be motivators.
This enormous hole, this enormous absence, this overwhelming lack is leaving me not hungry or thirsty so much as just Not.
Oh God how I miss my Momma. My here-and-now Momma is ... is Not. Just Not.
Not Here
Not Now
Not Here-and-Now
My name may as well be Not.
Maybe it is. Doesn't Revelation say that in the Resurrection we receive a stone with our True Name on it.
Maybe my name is Not.
There is another name though for Not isn't there.
Oh God there is another name for that vast arid emptiness that seems nothing but pain and that is simply me ... me being Not.
But Christ Crucified is by the Cross of Suffering rendered Not at some level isn't He.
And on Good Friday ... all is stripped away and He is Not anything but pain and suffering pouring forth from His Cross
And on Holy Saturday ... O Lord You are Dead, Dead in a Tomb, you are Not, you are emptiness and waiting and vast, vast death ... in the Dead Heart of Jesus
So ...
So this isn't it seems such a bad place to be
If it's Calvary with You Lord, or if it's the Tomb with You Lord
Then it can't be such a bad place to be at all
So I am Not, I am Dead, I am Naught, I am gaping devastation ...
Responding as best I can to the gaping horror and devastation of your passing Momma ...
Well then
It all fits really
O God
O God it hurts so much
O God then it's right. It's wrong but it's right. It's the Cross of Christ.
So Dame Julian of Norwich is right.
All will be well and all will be well and all will be most well
But in the meantime ... before the "will be" becomes the "is" ...
Here I am in the Dead Heart of Jesus
Here I am on the Way of the Cross
Here it hurts it hurts it hurts
But it doesn't hurt alone ...
Oh Jesus oh Job oh Qoheleth
Not alone at least
Oh God havfe mercy on me a sinner.
Charles "Not" Delacroix
Miz Effie
I visited Aunt Edna ... and she told again, as she has before, of her wonderful friendship with Miz Effie. Miz Effie was a kind, good, elderly woman who had a swing in her yard that my Aunt Edna delighted to swing on. Miz Effie was neat and clean and married, but never had any children. Her health was always poor, and she died of a heart attack when Aunt Edna was about 10 years old. That would be in about 1937 or 1938. Aunt Edna sat with her Momma at the funeral and she cried and cried and cried ...
Rosanna showed me a couple of heirlooms, gifts from Miz Effie to Aunt Edna. A little ceramic bowl, and a little ceramic figurine of a church. You could tell these were very precious to Aunt Edna.
How beautiful the story ... but also, O Lord, how very, very, very sad the ending ...
Well ... the ending in this world ... O Lord I do hope by Your Grace if You permit perhaps to meet this wonderful Miz Effie some day if it should be your gracious Will.
Yet in the meantime ... in the meantime ...
Oh Lord I feel suddenly exhausted ...
Momma it was good to pray Office at your grave ... but oh I'm exhausted ...
So tired.
So tired.
Keep thinking ... WTF ...
De futilitates ...
O God have mercy on me a sinner.
I love you and I thank you.
But with Father Job I ask ... WTF ...
Love in the Ashes,
Charles Delacroix
Solemnity of the Apostles Peter & Paul
Rosanna showed me a couple of heirlooms, gifts from Miz Effie to Aunt Edna. A little ceramic bowl, and a little ceramic figurine of a church. You could tell these were very precious to Aunt Edna.
How beautiful the story ... but also, O Lord, how very, very, very sad the ending ...
Well ... the ending in this world ... O Lord I do hope by Your Grace if You permit perhaps to meet this wonderful Miz Effie some day if it should be your gracious Will.
Yet in the meantime ... in the meantime ...
Oh Lord I feel suddenly exhausted ...
Momma it was good to pray Office at your grave ... but oh I'm exhausted ...
So tired.
So tired.
Keep thinking ... WTF ...
De futilitates ...
O God have mercy on me a sinner.
I love you and I thank you.
But with Father Job I ask ... WTF ...
Love in the Ashes,
Charles Delacroix
Solemnity of the Apostles Peter & Paul
Spooky
Spooky ... Momma, your Spooky ... she's getting older.
I took her to the vet, who ran tests and said she's really in good health for a 14 y.o. dog. But for the past several weeks or month she just hasn't been running around as much as at one time.
I gave her all the antibiotic (for UTI) and other med (for gastritis) that Doc Rx'd. But she's still moving with such difficulty. She had a hard time just getting into the car yesterday. Then, when we got to Woodward Park, she didn't try to lunge or run at any of the squirrels like usual. Doc says she has arthritis. Makes sense. But oh God ... to see this dog *not* charge after a squirrel ... tore into my heart.
Well I'm making her some boiled eggs. That's what you used to give her Momma. And I'll give her an aspirin. I looked this up on the Internet and I guess this might help with the arthritis pain & inflammation from what they say.
What I read said I need to be careful not to overdo exercise on weekends with not much exercise during the week. Gosh I guess that's exactly what I've been doing. Sorry Spooky. And sorry Momma. I promised you at the end that I would take good care of her. I'm trying. I am.
OK ... so eggs and aspirin and mild exercise it is ...
Oh Momma though to think of Spooky getting older too ... I remember when you got her and she was just a little puppy ... and you always loved her so ... and she always took good care of you. She was companion of companions, and watchdog, and amusement, all rolled into one big ball of fur for you Momma.
I will take good care of her as best I can Momma. We both miss you so. Maybe God willing we'll visit you tonite at Evening Prayer. She is such a good dog.
I love you and miss you so much Momma
Oh God Oh Jesus please please please please please take good care of my good Momma
Charles Delacroix
Sunday 13 in OT
Solemnity of Ss Peter & Paul Apostles
I took her to the vet, who ran tests and said she's really in good health for a 14 y.o. dog. But for the past several weeks or month she just hasn't been running around as much as at one time.
I gave her all the antibiotic (for UTI) and other med (for gastritis) that Doc Rx'd. But she's still moving with such difficulty. She had a hard time just getting into the car yesterday. Then, when we got to Woodward Park, she didn't try to lunge or run at any of the squirrels like usual. Doc says she has arthritis. Makes sense. But oh God ... to see this dog *not* charge after a squirrel ... tore into my heart.
Well I'm making her some boiled eggs. That's what you used to give her Momma. And I'll give her an aspirin. I looked this up on the Internet and I guess this might help with the arthritis pain & inflammation from what they say.
What I read said I need to be careful not to overdo exercise on weekends with not much exercise during the week. Gosh I guess that's exactly what I've been doing. Sorry Spooky. And sorry Momma. I promised you at the end that I would take good care of her. I'm trying. I am.
OK ... so eggs and aspirin and mild exercise it is ...
Oh Momma though to think of Spooky getting older too ... I remember when you got her and she was just a little puppy ... and you always loved her so ... and she always took good care of you. She was companion of companions, and watchdog, and amusement, all rolled into one big ball of fur for you Momma.
I will take good care of her as best I can Momma. We both miss you so. Maybe God willing we'll visit you tonite at Evening Prayer. She is such a good dog.
I love you and miss you so much Momma
Oh God Oh Jesus please please please please please take good care of my good Momma
Charles Delacroix
Sunday 13 in OT
Solemnity of Ss Peter & Paul Apostles
Going On ... and Futility
One of the constant challenges for me of course is to even find a reason to go on.
My goal remains simply and solely, under Your Providence, O Lord, to seek to respond to Momma's passing with as much integrity and authenticity and honor as I can muster.
Beyond that I see no future. Beyond that everything seems to evoke in me a feeling of "What's the point when Momma's not here?" Beyond that everything seems to say to me "WTF".
I know O Lord that there is a reason for everything.
But O God
O God
De futilitates ... de futilitates ...
Yet ... yet ... this morning at the cemetery felt so good, painful, but good: the breeze felt good, the sunshine was lovely, the dew on the lawn bright in the sunshine, and it was lovely watching God's dewy sunrise while sitting beside your grave Momma.
Even as life seems over and my own days simply a matter of waiting for death ...
Even then I feel such longing and attachment to this life in the Here and Now ... as I think most mortals experience it ... as you experienced it I think Momma ... as you said more than once, regarding your own approaching death, "it's the way things are." Yes. It's the way things are. And in the meantime we mortals, here today and gone tomorrow, like the grass, we mortals enjoy the breeze and the sunshine and a good meal as God in His Mercy and Grace vouchesafes to send us.
Oh God I love you and I don't know anything do I. Except that You are God and You are all that matters.
Oh Holy Mary Mother of Mothers pray for me and my dear departed Momma
Oh Jesus have mercy on my Momma and on me
Oh God
Totus Tuus
I love you and need you and all that I am and think and feel clearly are Yours.
Have mercy God
Thank you God
Thank you
My goal remains simply and solely, under Your Providence, O Lord, to seek to respond to Momma's passing with as much integrity and authenticity and honor as I can muster.
Beyond that I see no future. Beyond that everything seems to evoke in me a feeling of "What's the point when Momma's not here?" Beyond that everything seems to say to me "WTF".
I know O Lord that there is a reason for everything.
But O God
O God
De futilitates ... de futilitates ...
Yet ... yet ... this morning at the cemetery felt so good, painful, but good: the breeze felt good, the sunshine was lovely, the dew on the lawn bright in the sunshine, and it was lovely watching God's dewy sunrise while sitting beside your grave Momma.
Even as life seems over and my own days simply a matter of waiting for death ...
Even then I feel such longing and attachment to this life in the Here and Now ... as I think most mortals experience it ... as you experienced it I think Momma ... as you said more than once, regarding your own approaching death, "it's the way things are." Yes. It's the way things are. And in the meantime we mortals, here today and gone tomorrow, like the grass, we mortals enjoy the breeze and the sunshine and a good meal as God in His Mercy and Grace vouchesafes to send us.
Oh God I love you and I don't know anything do I. Except that You are God and You are all that matters.
Oh Holy Mary Mother of Mothers pray for me and my dear departed Momma
Oh Jesus have mercy on my Momma and on me
Oh God
Totus Tuus
I love you and need you and all that I am and think and feel clearly are Yours.
Have mercy God
Thank you God
Thank you
Bunny in the Back Yard
Oh Momma I just looked out the back window, and there was a brown bunny rabbit, picking and nibbling his way across the lawn.
Oh Momma you would have loved to see him. I was delighted of course but oh God without Momma here ...
Oh God have mercy on me.
Oh Momma you would have loved to see him. I was delighted of course but oh God without Momma here ...
Oh God have mercy on me.
Feeding the ducks
It was just beautiful at the cemetery this morning.
And Momma I saw a duck ... and thought about all those times in Knoxville when we fed the ducks. And all those times in Tulsa at the zoo feeding the ducks. You loved feeding them crackers and bits of bread. Oh God what I wouldn't give if we could feed the ducks together once again. Maybe that will be God willing part of the future in a better place.
And Momma I saw a duck ... and thought about all those times in Knoxville when we fed the ducks. And all those times in Tulsa at the zoo feeding the ducks. You loved feeding them crackers and bits of bread. Oh God what I wouldn't give if we could feed the ducks together once again. Maybe that will be God willing part of the future in a better place.
Missing Your Acceptance
Momma I realized this suddenly yesterday ... or at least re-realized it ... I think I've said this before ...
Honestly you were in many ways the only person who could accept me as completely as you did to say the least. I mean ... I was at Philbrook. A very kind man said something ... he worked there ... and I was suddenly filled with social anxiety. And fumbled my words and he was very kind but oh it was painful ... and I came away fearing how that looked and felt. If that sounds like Avoidant Personality Disorder in action well ... probably.
But oh Momma ... I think about all those mothers who throughout their lives take care of "special children" ... the only ones who really accept them in a way ...
I guess in a way that's what happened to me, too.
Social anxiety has been part of my life for as long as I can remember.
And although to be sure there are things you and I could not talk about ...
Still this ... this fear of the other person ... was not for me an issue with you, at least not in the past decade or so.
I can still hear you saying, "One thing .... I will always be your mother, and you will always be my son."
By this you meant so many things. I am crying just thinking about it. But for me it meant exactly that. Nothing can or will ever alter that enormous gift.
Oh Momma how I miss you ...
Oh Lord Jesus Christ take good care of my good Momma ...
Oh St Peter and St Paul on this Feast of you and your apostolates, on this 13th Sunday in Ordinary Time, pray for my dear mother, and for me.
I love you Momma
I love you Jesus
I love you
Charles Delacroix
Honestly you were in many ways the only person who could accept me as completely as you did to say the least. I mean ... I was at Philbrook. A very kind man said something ... he worked there ... and I was suddenly filled with social anxiety. And fumbled my words and he was very kind but oh it was painful ... and I came away fearing how that looked and felt. If that sounds like Avoidant Personality Disorder in action well ... probably.
But oh Momma ... I think about all those mothers who throughout their lives take care of "special children" ... the only ones who really accept them in a way ...
I guess in a way that's what happened to me, too.
Social anxiety has been part of my life for as long as I can remember.
And although to be sure there are things you and I could not talk about ...
Still this ... this fear of the other person ... was not for me an issue with you, at least not in the past decade or so.
I can still hear you saying, "One thing .... I will always be your mother, and you will always be my son."
By this you meant so many things. I am crying just thinking about it. But for me it meant exactly that. Nothing can or will ever alter that enormous gift.
Oh Momma how I miss you ...
Oh Lord Jesus Christ take good care of my good Momma ...
Oh St Peter and St Paul on this Feast of you and your apostolates, on this 13th Sunday in Ordinary Time, pray for my dear mother, and for me.
I love you Momma
I love you Jesus
I love you
Charles Delacroix
Friday, June 27, 2008
10 Month Anniversary ... and Momma's Car
Today is exactly 10 months since your burial Momma ...
And I turned in paperwork at the Tag Agency applying for a new title on your car ...
It's all so wrong
And all so what it is in you O Lord
I love you and miss you so so so so so so so so much Momma
I love you and miss you Momma ... oh oh oh if only you were here ....
And I turned in paperwork at the Tag Agency applying for a new title on your car ...
It's all so wrong
And all so what it is in you O Lord
I love you and miss you so so so so so so so so much Momma
I love you and miss you Momma ... oh oh oh if only you were here ....
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
happy birthday momma ...
Oh Happy Birthday Momma wherever by God's Grace He Has Called you ... oh Happy Birthday .. I miss you ... we miss you ... so very, very, very much ...
Charles Delacroix
Nativity of St John the Baptizer
Charles Delacroix
Nativity of St John the Baptizer
Sunday, June 22, 2008
The Vicar of Dibley
I went to see a movie tonite and when I got home flipped on TV ...
And there was a rerun of the first episode of The Vicar of Dibley (1994) http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0108981/. Oh Momma we had seen this episode together twice, I think. The series was theologically far off the mark ... but the characters were always such a delight ... and honestly Momma I know you would have been theologically far more liberal than me.
Yet for all that the humor and the characters and the scenery and the stories and whole feel of this series was for both of us simply a delight.
Ah Momma.
I love you and I miss you. And miss so much not sharing The Vicar of Dibley together Momma.
How we would have laughed and talked about these characters tonite.
I miss you and I love you Momma
Thank you God for my Momma
Charles Delacroix
Sunday 12 in OT
And there was a rerun of the first episode of The Vicar of Dibley (1994) http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0108981/. Oh Momma we had seen this episode together twice, I think. The series was theologically far off the mark ... but the characters were always such a delight ... and honestly Momma I know you would have been theologically far more liberal than me.
Yet for all that the humor and the characters and the scenery and the stories and whole feel of this series was for both of us simply a delight.
Ah Momma.
I love you and I miss you. And miss so much not sharing The Vicar of Dibley together Momma.
How we would have laughed and talked about these characters tonite.
I miss you and I love you Momma
Thank you God for my Momma
Charles Delacroix
Sunday 12 in OT
Movies and New Flower Arrangement and a Toad
Oh Momma ...
Hard time this morning ... wonderful visiting with you Momma ... but oh what a headache ... finally went and saw Iron Man (2008) http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0371746/ again ... and checked my BG ... it was fine ... so very probably the headache was a stress headache. Pretty much confirmed after I thoroughly enjoyed the movie and headache went away ...
I went by Home Depot and got some more insulation for the outside AC compressor pipe ... feeling very domestic indeed ... a good feeling ... and then got some more flowers and a card for your birthday Momma ... it's only a few days away.
The new flowers were a long-stem red rose ... and a cluster of yellow daisies ... and a cluster of pinkish berries ... and I removed the pink azaleas and retained the red rose buds ... and oh Momma I think your new flower arrangement looks really very nice ... Oh Momma I hope you like it ... I think you will ...
OOR for this morning was from Samuel ... God asking Samuel how long he will grieve for Saul, and counseling him to move on ... and Samuel's inspection of the sons of (who? Manoah?) ... and finally discovering God's Choice to rest upon David ...
Oh Momma I don't know I don't know how this applies to me ... but do feel a strong sense of both need to keep focus on my Call as I believe you have given me to simply respond to Momma's catastrophic loss with as much honesty and authenticity and integrity in Christ as I can muster by God's Grace.
Ah me ... O Momma how I miss you ...
Well later today I mowed the grass ... and oh Momma ... found a good-size toad lurking around Spooky's doghouse ... and thought of how delighted you would be, as I was, that this little peeper had become a big peeper ...
Ah Momma I miss you so ...
I love you and thank you and Our Lord so ...
But o I miss you I miss you I miss you so ...
I love you
Oh I love you and miss you
Charles Delacroix
Sunday 12 in OT
Hard time this morning ... wonderful visiting with you Momma ... but oh what a headache ... finally went and saw Iron Man (2008) http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0371746/ again ... and checked my BG ... it was fine ... so very probably the headache was a stress headache. Pretty much confirmed after I thoroughly enjoyed the movie and headache went away ...
I went by Home Depot and got some more insulation for the outside AC compressor pipe ... feeling very domestic indeed ... a good feeling ... and then got some more flowers and a card for your birthday Momma ... it's only a few days away.
The new flowers were a long-stem red rose ... and a cluster of yellow daisies ... and a cluster of pinkish berries ... and I removed the pink azaleas and retained the red rose buds ... and oh Momma I think your new flower arrangement looks really very nice ... Oh Momma I hope you like it ... I think you will ...
OOR for this morning was from Samuel ... God asking Samuel how long he will grieve for Saul, and counseling him to move on ... and Samuel's inspection of the sons of (who? Manoah?) ... and finally discovering God's Choice to rest upon David ...
Oh Momma I don't know I don't know how this applies to me ... but do feel a strong sense of both need to keep focus on my Call as I believe you have given me to simply respond to Momma's catastrophic loss with as much honesty and authenticity and integrity in Christ as I can muster by God's Grace.
Ah me ... O Momma how I miss you ...
Well later today I mowed the grass ... and oh Momma ... found a good-size toad lurking around Spooky's doghouse ... and thought of how delighted you would be, as I was, that this little peeper had become a big peeper ...
Ah Momma I miss you so ...
I love you and thank you and Our Lord so ...
But o I miss you I miss you I miss you so ...
I love you
Oh I love you and miss you
Charles Delacroix
Sunday 12 in OT
The OETA Movie Club: Window on Your World Momma
Well I'm up late again ... too late ... but I can't be too sorry, since Momma, our favorite OETA Movie Club was showing a wonderful movie, Dillinger (1945 )http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0037644/
With the lovely actress Anne Jeffries. Looking at her bio, I see she was married to Robert Sterling. Oh Momma, how we would have talked and talked about them. Jeffries is still alive ... very much from your generation, Momma, since she was born in 1923. Her hair in this movie was very 1940s ... and we would have talked about that, too, wouldn't we Momma?
But it's Lawrence Tierney as Dillinger that really captured my attention. Tierney was born in 1919 ... only a couple of years before you Momma ... and again I know we would have talked about him. Alas he is decesaed ... perhaps God willing you are talking with him even now, Momma. He only died a few years ago. But his Dillinger ... so 1940s. I can imagine Dad wearing the same kind of hat ... the men all wore hats like those back then ... and then that famous sequence in which the suspicious Dillinger lets himself be beguiled by his "mo'" (Jeffries) into entering the movie house ... and becoming captivated by the movie ... and laughing with abandon at the cartoons ... only to be trapped and gunned down by the "feds" outside the theater ... how very microsmically true to your generation, Momma, wasn't this? Fear - worry - pervading the days ... then a "break", a movie or a trip to the lake or Coney Island ... a welcome break indeed ... but you never knew what you were walking out of that brief respite to find waiting for you.
Oh Momma ... there was a time ... there was a time to my deepest shame ... that I actually dared to despise the prosaic days and nights of your generation. What a fool I was. What a fool I am for that matter. But at least I am no longer completely blind to the wonders of your generation ... doing the "Next Right Thing", day by day, night by night, taking a break every now and then, but generally just Doing Life ... and, let's be clear, doing it far far far far far better than I have ever managed to do it ... well, Momma, I have nothing but deepest gratitude and thanksgiving for all of you, for all of you, Momma .. the Greatest Generation, indeed, Tom Brokaw's sentiments are mine as well on this ...
And ... and ...
Looking back at my very last post ...
Hey here I am doing much the same thing regarding my days and nights ... full of fear and worry and stress during my day ... grabbing a brief respite in the cinema from time to time ... and returning to find the day's stresses awaiting me once again ... until that day that I too am propelled from this life to the next ... even if not in a hail of bullets like Dililinger ... otherwise not so different ... except of course that I have not accomplished 1/1000th of what you and Dad accomplished ...
Ah well. What is, is.
Thy Will be Done O Lord
I love you Momma
I love you Jesus
Thank you thank you thank you Lord
For my Momma and my Daddy ... and for the Greatest Generation ...
I love you and thank you all.
Charles Delacroix
Sunday 12 in OT
With the lovely actress Anne Jeffries. Looking at her bio, I see she was married to Robert Sterling. Oh Momma, how we would have talked and talked about them. Jeffries is still alive ... very much from your generation, Momma, since she was born in 1923. Her hair in this movie was very 1940s ... and we would have talked about that, too, wouldn't we Momma?
But it's Lawrence Tierney as Dillinger that really captured my attention. Tierney was born in 1919 ... only a couple of years before you Momma ... and again I know we would have talked about him. Alas he is decesaed ... perhaps God willing you are talking with him even now, Momma. He only died a few years ago. But his Dillinger ... so 1940s. I can imagine Dad wearing the same kind of hat ... the men all wore hats like those back then ... and then that famous sequence in which the suspicious Dillinger lets himself be beguiled by his "mo'" (Jeffries) into entering the movie house ... and becoming captivated by the movie ... and laughing with abandon at the cartoons ... only to be trapped and gunned down by the "feds" outside the theater ... how very microsmically true to your generation, Momma, wasn't this? Fear - worry - pervading the days ... then a "break", a movie or a trip to the lake or Coney Island ... a welcome break indeed ... but you never knew what you were walking out of that brief respite to find waiting for you.
Oh Momma ... there was a time ... there was a time to my deepest shame ... that I actually dared to despise the prosaic days and nights of your generation. What a fool I was. What a fool I am for that matter. But at least I am no longer completely blind to the wonders of your generation ... doing the "Next Right Thing", day by day, night by night, taking a break every now and then, but generally just Doing Life ... and, let's be clear, doing it far far far far far better than I have ever managed to do it ... well, Momma, I have nothing but deepest gratitude and thanksgiving for all of you, for all of you, Momma .. the Greatest Generation, indeed, Tom Brokaw's sentiments are mine as well on this ...
And ... and ...
Looking back at my very last post ...
Hey here I am doing much the same thing regarding my days and nights ... full of fear and worry and stress during my day ... grabbing a brief respite in the cinema from time to time ... and returning to find the day's stresses awaiting me once again ... until that day that I too am propelled from this life to the next ... even if not in a hail of bullets like Dililinger ... otherwise not so different ... except of course that I have not accomplished 1/1000th of what you and Dad accomplished ...
Ah well. What is, is.
Thy Will be Done O Lord
I love you Momma
I love you Jesus
Thank you thank you thank you Lord
For my Momma and my Daddy ... and for the Greatest Generation ...
I love you and thank you all.
Charles Delacroix
Sunday 12 in OT
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Stories and Connection and Relief
I saw 2 movies back-to-back today ... Get Smart (2008) http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0425061/ and Then She Found Me (2007) http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0455805/
The first is of course a comedy ... a funny take-off on the 1960s eponymous TV series. The second was a comedy/drama and (honestly) what most would consider a "chick flick". But both movies really granted me some much-needed relief; especially the 2nd movie, which was engaging and fascinating and involved and challenging ... with a mixed but on the whole solid spiritual side ... and reminded me once again why I love stories so, so much. Because honestly my own story hasn't been all that enjoyable to say the very least. And watching others helps get me out of myself and my own griefs and my own sorrows and reminds me just how big is this world that God has give us.
O Lord help me to remember this ... I felt so horrible earlier today ... and then reading in OOR the story of Samson in the book of Judges ... and reading this at Momma's gravesite ... that really helped me open my eyes by your grace I think to the wider History of Salvation that is the bigger Story unfolding all around me, all around everyone, every day, every hour, every minute.
O thank you Momma for your story, yours and Dad's ...
O Lord help me to remember that this is an enormous story but only one enormous story among the many, many enormous stories of life that you unfold around us.
I love you Momma
I love you Jesus
Charles Delacroix
Eve of Sunday 12 in OT
The first is of course a comedy ... a funny take-off on the 1960s eponymous TV series. The second was a comedy/drama and (honestly) what most would consider a "chick flick". But both movies really granted me some much-needed relief; especially the 2nd movie, which was engaging and fascinating and involved and challenging ... with a mixed but on the whole solid spiritual side ... and reminded me once again why I love stories so, so much. Because honestly my own story hasn't been all that enjoyable to say the very least. And watching others helps get me out of myself and my own griefs and my own sorrows and reminds me just how big is this world that God has give us.
O Lord help me to remember this ... I felt so horrible earlier today ... and then reading in OOR the story of Samson in the book of Judges ... and reading this at Momma's gravesite ... that really helped me open my eyes by your grace I think to the wider History of Salvation that is the bigger Story unfolding all around me, all around everyone, every day, every hour, every minute.
O thank you Momma for your story, yours and Dad's ...
O Lord help me to remember that this is an enormous story but only one enormous story among the many, many enormous stories of life that you unfold around us.
I love you Momma
I love you Jesus
Charles Delacroix
Eve of Sunday 12 in OT
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Responding with Authenticity and Integrity ... and Hearing the Birds Sing
Oh Momma what a beautiful morning. The birds were chirping, the ducks quacking, the geese calling across your resting place ...
I'm off to work ... and ask Oh Lord Jesus that you help me keep my eyes on You throughout this day ...
And remember that all I have to do in Your Call is respond with as much authenticity and integrity in Your Grace to You ... and in response to my dearest mother's passing ...
I love you Jesus
I love you Momma
Charles Delacroix
Feast of St Romuald
I'm off to work ... and ask Oh Lord Jesus that you help me keep my eyes on You throughout this day ...
And remember that all I have to do in Your Call is respond with as much authenticity and integrity in Your Grace to You ... and in response to my dearest mother's passing ...
I love you Jesus
I love you Momma
Charles Delacroix
Feast of St Romuald
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Mental Health Day ... and Casablanca
I took a day off from work ... felt so low ... horrible ... but oh what a good day. Good in the sense that despite myself O Lord you brought me so many, many good things.
Momma ... Spooky and I went to Woodward Park ... and the late roses smelled oh so lovely, just intoxicating ... the longing they evoked was so strong ... oh God oh Momma ...
But I saw this same little bunny at the Rose Garden as last week ... oh Momma you would have loved it ...
And now ... I have Casablanca on ... and it's perfect, always perfect ... it's you Momma, your world ... the Greatest Generation ... oh God how I miss Momma ... how I miss you all ...
And yet thank you thank you thank you Lord for giving me this day ... this Momma ... this everything.
Everything ...
And if I just remember my goal today ...
To respond to Momma's passing with as much authenticity & integrity as I can muster ...
That's it, that's it ... nothing more ... just for today, O Lord, this is I think Your Call ...
I love you Momma
I love you O Lord
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you
Charles Delacroix
Eve of the Feast of St Romuald
Momma ... Spooky and I went to Woodward Park ... and the late roses smelled oh so lovely, just intoxicating ... the longing they evoked was so strong ... oh God oh Momma ...
But I saw this same little bunny at the Rose Garden as last week ... oh Momma you would have loved it ...
And now ... I have Casablanca on ... and it's perfect, always perfect ... it's you Momma, your world ... the Greatest Generation ... oh God how I miss Momma ... how I miss you all ...
And yet thank you thank you thank you Lord for giving me this day ... this Momma ... this everything.
Everything ...
And if I just remember my goal today ...
To respond to Momma's passing with as much authenticity & integrity as I can muster ...
That's it, that's it ... nothing more ... just for today, O Lord, this is I think Your Call ...
I love you Momma
I love you O Lord
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you
Charles Delacroix
Eve of the Feast of St Romuald
Monday, June 16, 2008
Estate Nearing an End ... and Frogs Croaking the End ...
I met with the lawyer ... possibly, probably, for the last time.
I wrote checks out of your Estate's checking account distributing the remaining monies ... somehow this all feels so horribly horribly wrong ... this is yours, Momma, and oh ... oh it's yours and to give it away is to bring to an end yet in another way that which I just don't want to see end now or ever. Oh I know. But that's how it feels. Oh Momma.
I took Spooky to the vet. A 13 year old dog ... your dog Momma ... but oh what good news: she's basically healthy although with a UTI and colitis, fully treatable.
And Momma how it's been raining ... and now frogs are singing and croaking up a storm in the back yard.
Oh I wish you were here how we'd talk and talk about the little froggies and their wonderfully soothing song ...
I love you and miss you Momma so so much ...
I wrote checks out of your Estate's checking account distributing the remaining monies ... somehow this all feels so horribly horribly wrong ... this is yours, Momma, and oh ... oh it's yours and to give it away is to bring to an end yet in another way that which I just don't want to see end now or ever. Oh I know. But that's how it feels. Oh Momma.
I took Spooky to the vet. A 13 year old dog ... your dog Momma ... but oh what good news: she's basically healthy although with a UTI and colitis, fully treatable.
And Momma how it's been raining ... and now frogs are singing and croaking up a storm in the back yard.
Oh I wish you were here how we'd talk and talk about the little froggies and their wonderfully soothing song ...
I love you and miss you Momma so so much ...
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Fireflies
Oh Momma. There were so many fireflies in the late dusk tonite. They were back against the treeline ... and floating in the air above your resting place.
Oh how we would have talked about them.
Fireflies.
So simple and so lovely.
And such a gift.
In many ways your gift Momma.
God's gift to me through you Momma.
You introduced me to fireflies.
And today you show me still their beauty, their effervescent glows, their fragile loveliness.
Oh Momma
Oh God
I love you both
I love you
And I thank you
Thank you
Thank you
Oh but how I miss you so so so so so much Momma
Charles Delacroix
Sunday 11 in OT
Oh how we would have talked about them.
Fireflies.
So simple and so lovely.
And such a gift.
In many ways your gift Momma.
God's gift to me through you Momma.
You introduced me to fireflies.
And today you show me still their beauty, their effervescent glows, their fragile loveliness.
Oh Momma
Oh God
I love you both
I love you
And I thank you
Thank you
Thank you
Oh but how I miss you so so so so so much Momma
Charles Delacroix
Sunday 11 in OT
Authenticity and Integrity
I finally remembered that my goal these days is really very simple:
To respond to the catastrophe of Mom's passing with as much authenticity and integrity as I can. This I think is still God's Call for me today.
So I cancelled my lunch with my aunt & cousin, & cancelled my lunch with my colleague, and drove up to Bartlesville. With an enormous crowbar I got at Home Depot. And plenty of other tools for the job.
By God's Grace, I was able to shift my grandfather's marker. It's now repositioned, and flat, more or less flush with the surface of the ground around it. I cleaned it and brushed it off and repositioned a Father's Day sprig of blue flowers. And for Charles W. Vaughan, Sr, I said a prayer and asked his prayers. May this father of my father have a wonderful Father's Day in as I hope a better place than this.
It felt really, really good. I know ... I *know* ... that Momma would very much approve my taking the time and effort to pay respect to my father's father's grave. This was of course above all a gift to me. A reminder that indeed on this Father's Day I have so, so, so much to be thankful for from my earthly fathers ... more even from my Heavenly Father.
Oh Momma ... oh Momma and all mothers who picked for fathers men who they thought were "decent guys" ... like you did Momma ... oh what is there to say but: Thanks.
I love you Momma and I miss you Momma.
I love you Daddy and I miss you Daddy.
Oh Jesus have mercy on us all.
And ... *thank* you all. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Charles Delacroix
Sunday 11 in OT
To respond to the catastrophe of Mom's passing with as much authenticity and integrity as I can. This I think is still God's Call for me today.
So I cancelled my lunch with my aunt & cousin, & cancelled my lunch with my colleague, and drove up to Bartlesville. With an enormous crowbar I got at Home Depot. And plenty of other tools for the job.
By God's Grace, I was able to shift my grandfather's marker. It's now repositioned, and flat, more or less flush with the surface of the ground around it. I cleaned it and brushed it off and repositioned a Father's Day sprig of blue flowers. And for Charles W. Vaughan, Sr, I said a prayer and asked his prayers. May this father of my father have a wonderful Father's Day in as I hope a better place than this.
It felt really, really good. I know ... I *know* ... that Momma would very much approve my taking the time and effort to pay respect to my father's father's grave. This was of course above all a gift to me. A reminder that indeed on this Father's Day I have so, so, so much to be thankful for from my earthly fathers ... more even from my Heavenly Father.
Oh Momma ... oh Momma and all mothers who picked for fathers men who they thought were "decent guys" ... like you did Momma ... oh what is there to say but: Thanks.
I love you Momma and I miss you Momma.
I love you Daddy and I miss you Daddy.
Oh Jesus have mercy on us all.
And ... *thank* you all. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Charles Delacroix
Sunday 11 in OT
Father's Day - After Mass
After Mass ... whew ...
Today was ... for some reason I have no idea why .... You Know O Lord what else matters really though ... but today was fhe first day I really felt drawn to go to Mass ... and get all the way through Mass ... all the way ... first time since Mom died ... Oh Lord ...
I didn't cry once during Mass either, not once ...
Cried a *lot* this morning at your grave Momma but Oh ...
I keep thinking about what you wrote ... in that short note to Daniel ... why you went out with Dad ... oh when ... that had to be 1943 or 44? You said he "seemed like a decent guy."
Oh Momma ...
I've been thinking about that again and again. And yesterday ... company picnic ... *very* family oriented ... and I think me and one other guy were the only "singles" there with no family at all along. I made it almost all the way through and finally had to leave ... and then on to Bartlesville ... to Dad's Dad's Grave ... Charles W. Vaughan, Sr. My Grandfather.
His grave marker had shifted and I couldn't get it evened out ... man they made those military grave markers *heavy* ...
And then up to Dewey to see George W Martin's grave ... Dad's Mom's Dad ... my Great-Grandfather.
I keep thinking that I know all these men had problems ... horrible problems in Dad's case at least ... but oh ...
Momma ...
I just keep thinking that hey ...
We pays our money and we takes our chances ...
You picked someone you thought was a decent guy ...
And here I am now allowed to walk the face of the earth because of your choice ...
Likewise Grampa Vaughan and G-Grampa Martin ... I know so very, very little about these men ... and nothing at all about their forebears, or almost nothing ...
But hey ...
They did what they did and now by God's Grace working through this line of men I'm allowed to sit here and type and wonder and cry and think ... oh Momma ... oh Daddy ... oh God ...
And to all of you who have gone before me all I can think to say is:
Thank you.
It seems so little to say and nothing will ever really say what needs to be said but:
Thank you.
And.
Happy Father's Day.
Thank you.
Love in Christ,
Charles Delacroix
Sunday 11 in OT
Today was ... for some reason I have no idea why .... You Know O Lord what else matters really though ... but today was fhe first day I really felt drawn to go to Mass ... and get all the way through Mass ... all the way ... first time since Mom died ... Oh Lord ...
I didn't cry once during Mass either, not once ...
Cried a *lot* this morning at your grave Momma but Oh ...
I keep thinking about what you wrote ... in that short note to Daniel ... why you went out with Dad ... oh when ... that had to be 1943 or 44? You said he "seemed like a decent guy."
Oh Momma ...
I've been thinking about that again and again. And yesterday ... company picnic ... *very* family oriented ... and I think me and one other guy were the only "singles" there with no family at all along. I made it almost all the way through and finally had to leave ... and then on to Bartlesville ... to Dad's Dad's Grave ... Charles W. Vaughan, Sr. My Grandfather.
His grave marker had shifted and I couldn't get it evened out ... man they made those military grave markers *heavy* ...
And then up to Dewey to see George W Martin's grave ... Dad's Mom's Dad ... my Great-Grandfather.
I keep thinking that I know all these men had problems ... horrible problems in Dad's case at least ... but oh ...
Momma ...
I just keep thinking that hey ...
We pays our money and we takes our chances ...
You picked someone you thought was a decent guy ...
And here I am now allowed to walk the face of the earth because of your choice ...
Likewise Grampa Vaughan and G-Grampa Martin ... I know so very, very little about these men ... and nothing at all about their forebears, or almost nothing ...
But hey ...
They did what they did and now by God's Grace working through this line of men I'm allowed to sit here and type and wonder and cry and think ... oh Momma ... oh Daddy ... oh God ...
And to all of you who have gone before me all I can think to say is:
Thank you.
It seems so little to say and nothing will ever really say what needs to be said but:
Thank you.
And.
Happy Father's Day.
Thank you.
Love in Christ,
Charles Delacroix
Sunday 11 in OT
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Going for a Walk
No more.
Oh God Momma.
This morning is so, so, so beautiful. And there were three - maybe four, I'm not sure - beautiful birds, with I think lemon yellow bodies and black wings, perhaps? But they raced fast, fast, right past me, and over your grave, and off into the tree line. What were they? They were fast and they were lovely and how we would have talked about them ...
And oh how we would talk if we could go for a walk this morning ....
Those walks in Limberg Forest and down to the bridge by Island Home Airport ... oh Momma. What did we talk about on those walks? Nothing ... "deep" ... I think. We talked about birds and trees and how a house looked newly painted a different color along the way, and we'd talk about the river and the airplanes, and about the sky and sunsets and sunrises, and about people in the neighborhood and about the dog and about ... well we talked about the smallest things but in truth the biggest things, the most important things, in the universe. For we were talkinga about the Face of God, the Ikons of God.
Oh Momma Oh God how I miss you Momma
Oh God
Oh God
Oh Momma
Oh God
Oh God Momma.
This morning is so, so, so beautiful. And there were three - maybe four, I'm not sure - beautiful birds, with I think lemon yellow bodies and black wings, perhaps? But they raced fast, fast, right past me, and over your grave, and off into the tree line. What were they? They were fast and they were lovely and how we would have talked about them ...
And oh how we would talk if we could go for a walk this morning ....
Those walks in Limberg Forest and down to the bridge by Island Home Airport ... oh Momma. What did we talk about on those walks? Nothing ... "deep" ... I think. We talked about birds and trees and how a house looked newly painted a different color along the way, and we'd talk about the river and the airplanes, and about the sky and sunsets and sunrises, and about people in the neighborhood and about the dog and about ... well we talked about the smallest things but in truth the biggest things, the most important things, in the universe. For we were talkinga about the Face of God, the Ikons of God.
Oh Momma Oh God how I miss you Momma
Oh God
Oh God
Oh Momma
Oh God
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Birds and Frogs and Puppy Dogs
I do love hearing the birds outside in the morning. And the peepers last night were loud and clear. And the puppy dog in the back yard loved being petted last night. I'm about to go feed her and then go visit you Momma. Oh all seems right except the hole in the heart of this world and of your son which cries out that you are gone and all is wrong when you aren't here, Momma. Oh I miss you so. We all do. I'm fixing tea and I'll be right over to visit you though. Oh I love you and miss you. Oh Jesus take good care of my good Momma please.
Gratefully,
Charles Delacroix
Feast of St Barnabas
Gratefully,
Charles Delacroix
Feast of St Barnabas
Monday, June 9, 2008
Ingrid Bergman, Isabella Rosellini, and Elettra
Elettra the face of Lancome (make-up) guest on David Letterman tonite ... very lovely, but what a surprising and appealing conversation.
Letterman said that he knew Elettra's mother very well; and never knew her grandmother, but saw both mother and grandmother in Elettra's visage.
The mother turns out to be none of than the lovely Isabella Rosellini http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000618/. And the grandmother is Ingrid Bergman http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000006/
And here we have a young, lovely Elettra (b. 1983), http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000618/bio
Letterman said that he's seen Casablance 100 times and that every time Ingrid Bergman appeared on the scseen, she captured the screen, adn captivated him personally.
All I can say is: Amen, Amen.
Casablanca ... how we both loved this wonderful movie, Momma.
My very favorite movie of all time.
How time flies
Oh my ... oh my
Letterman said that he knew Elettra's mother very well; and never knew her grandmother, but saw both mother and grandmother in Elettra's visage.
The mother turns out to be none of than the lovely Isabella Rosellini http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000618/. And the grandmother is Ingrid Bergman http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000006/
And here we have a young, lovely Elettra (b. 1983), http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000618/bio
Letterman said that he's seen Casablance 100 times and that every time Ingrid Bergman appeared on the scseen, she captured the screen, adn captivated him personally.
All I can say is: Amen, Amen.
Casablanca ... how we both loved this wonderful movie, Momma.
My very favorite movie of all time.
How time flies
Oh my ... oh my
The Arthur Cemetery
My 3rd trip to Hornersville ... and the Arthur Cemetery ... the Hutchens Cemetery ... was this past weekend.
I thought about a vocation to be a Sexton, Momma ... and it feels very, very right ...
Oh Momma ...
I heard a froggy in the rain-soaked back yard tonite ... how many froggies are in Hornersville I wonder ... I went down Main St looking for the Joe Hole and couldn't find it ... but saw the Ditch ... and thought Oh Momma ...
everything makes me think Oh Momma ...
Oh Momma
Oh Jesus
Oh God
Oh God
Oh Momma
I thought about a vocation to be a Sexton, Momma ... and it feels very, very right ...
Oh Momma ...
I heard a froggy in the rain-soaked back yard tonite ... how many froggies are in Hornersville I wonder ... I went down Main St looking for the Joe Hole and couldn't find it ... but saw the Ditch ... and thought Oh Momma ...
everything makes me think Oh Momma ...
Oh Momma
Oh Jesus
Oh God
Oh God
Oh Momma
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
The Sexton
Hey, if Peace is in the Grave ....
Then maybe it's not so bad to find my vocation to be that of Sexton ...
My goal is still to respond to Mom's loss with as much integrity and authenticity and honor as I can muster ...
Being her Sexton ... and Sexton of her Grave ... and Sexton of the Arthur Cemetery ... could be such a Vocation I suppose ...
Oh God ...
Oh God ....
I love you Jesus my Only Hope ...
And if it be Your Will grant me this Vocation ....
Sexton to Momma ... Sexton to the Arthur Cemetery ...
Why not
Why not indeed
In my short time left I could be given much less O Lord
Thy will be done
Then maybe it's not so bad to find my vocation to be that of Sexton ...
My goal is still to respond to Mom's loss with as much integrity and authenticity and honor as I can muster ...
Being her Sexton ... and Sexton of her Grave ... and Sexton of the Arthur Cemetery ... could be such a Vocation I suppose ...
Oh God ...
Oh God ....
I love you Jesus my Only Hope ...
And if it be Your Will grant me this Vocation ....
Sexton to Momma ... Sexton to the Arthur Cemetery ...
Why not
Why not indeed
In my short time left I could be given much less O Lord
Thy will be done
Probate is Almost Over
In 2 days is the Final Hearing ... whew ... I think ... I think partly all my turmoil over the past week or so is exactly a paradoxical sense of anticipated *loss* ... in looking to the end of Probate.
When Probate ends after all it's one more sign that you are gone ... oh the whole grisly painful affair of closing out the worldly affairs of any human seems to me so very, very painful ...
O God I miss Momma so ...
When Probate ends after all it's one more sign that you are gone ... oh the whole grisly painful affair of closing out the worldly affairs of any human seems to me so very, very painful ...
O God I miss Momma so ...
The Frog at the Side of the House
I saw a frog, Momma, at the side of the house .... it was fairly good size .... a croaker rather than a peeper ...
And how we would have talked and laughed about it ....
Oh Momma ...
I miss you so
And how we would have talked and laughed about it ....
Oh Momma ...
I miss you so
Peace is in the Grave
"Peace is in the Grave, the Grave holds all things beautiful and good ... "
In so many ways Shelley is so right ...
It was a wonderful morning with you before work, Momma. A beautiful morning, a beautiful dawn, and I saw the sunrise above your grave with deep emotion ...
How I would like to see another sunrise along with you Momma ...
Oh my ...
Oh Momma
How I miss you ....
I miss you so much ....
In so many ways Shelley is so right ...
It was a wonderful morning with you before work, Momma. A beautiful morning, a beautiful dawn, and I saw the sunrise above your grave with deep emotion ...
How I would like to see another sunrise along with you Momma ...
Oh my ...
Oh Momma
How I miss you ....
I miss you so much ....
Sunday, June 1, 2008
Sunday Night
I can hear the peepers (!) in the back yard ...
And I watched As Time Goes By ... what a wonderful, wonderful, delightful show ...
And I feel both grateful ... and deeply, deeply bereft ... oh Momma ... that you are not here for these things ...
I miss you so much.
I love you Momma.
I love you Jesus.
O Jesus.
Please please please please ... take good care of my good Momma ...
I love you
Charles Delacroix
9th Sunday in Ordinary Time
And I watched As Time Goes By ... what a wonderful, wonderful, delightful show ...
And I feel both grateful ... and deeply, deeply bereft ... oh Momma ... that you are not here for these things ...
I miss you so much.
I love you Momma.
I love you Jesus.
O Jesus.
Please please please please ... take good care of my good Momma ...
I love you
Charles Delacroix
9th Sunday in Ordinary Time
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