It hurts, Momma.
It hurts, O Lord.
and what almost hurts as much is the sudden realization that a big part of the pain for me is very probably the result of sheer, unadulterated Envy.
How much of me looks at your life Momma and thinks: that young girl of 18 or 19 in that photo in Jefferson City really did pretty much get what you wanted. At least a big part of what you wanted. You wanted a husband and kids and you wanted to read and travel and sing ... and all these things came to you. You worked hard at achieving your goals. And you did it. You made them. Perhaps not all of them. But you said many times, and especially toward the end, that you had done what you wanted, you got what you sought.
Momma, a few days ago ... well, Saturday ... I visited Grampa Vaughan's grave and those of G-Grampa and G-Granma Martin. Then I stopped on the way back to Tulsa at at movie theater in Bartlesville and enjoyed the movie there. I kept looking at older people in the movie lobby and the shopping mall where it's located ... and I wondered if any of them knew my father or my grandfather or my g-grandparents. I kept looking at the younger ... not much younger ... people and wondering if we're related. Could well be. I was looking at my genealogy records last night and what an enormous family the Martins had. And Grampa Vaughan, as far as I know, got what he set out to do. N
ot to say that all these haven't had problems. I keep thinking ... about your passing, Momma, but hell, about life in general ... how do people do it? How do they handle ... things?
I don't know. I don't know. By Your Grace surely O Lord.
I hurt and hurt and hurt not only for your loss Momma but for the loss of ... everything. I have no family, no children, haven't gotten much of anything I can think of that particularly speaks to my heart. I Envy you Momma. I envy you world.
But really when I think about it ... hey ... I was married once ... not for long, to be sure, but at least I was granted something of a taste of this extraordinary human experience. I got to travel. I wanted to achieve dual licensure as both a clinical social worker and as an alcohol/drug counselor. Both came to pass and I'm working in the field even now. I'm not by any stretch of the imagination super good at what I do, but I'm not so bad, either. Alas I have no wife now and no friends. But I've been granted the privilege of meeting and spending some time with some extraordinary folks. And I've been granted the privilege of getting to talk with and spend a little time with my aunt, your dear sister, Momma, and one of her daughters. I may have diabetes, and don't control it all that well, but I sure don't go hungry, either. At the moment I have use of my hands and arms and legs and get around OK. Many can't say as much.
All in all ... I guess I really have a lot to be Grateful for.
Oh Momma I miss you so so so so so much. Thank you O Lord for the privilege of my Momma. Thank you Momma.
Thank you God for everything.
Charles Delacroix
Eve of the Feast of St Martha
Monday, July 28, 2008
Sunday, July 27, 2008
The Universe is Wrong. God is Right.
I'm getting that strong sense again of WTF, of Why? of the catastrophe that is Mom's passing signifying once again that the Universe is utterly, utterly utterly wrong.
I seek, nay, I demand the right before the Bar of Heaven to follow in the footsteps not only of Father Job, but of Jesus Christ, Advocate for the Anawim Yahweh, Advocate for the Widow, the Orphan, the Poor in Spirit, to shake my fist at Heaven and demand, Why oh Why Hast Thou Forsaken Me?
There is no answer but the Cross of course.
That is the point.
Always Lord You have been the One who saves.
Always Lord You have been the One who advocates.
Always Lord You have been the One to be the Way, the Truth, and the Life
in the face of Futility, Falsehood, Injustice and Death
You You Alone are my hope.
Oh God
Oh God
Oh Momma how I miss you
Oh God
I seek, nay, I demand the right before the Bar of Heaven to follow in the footsteps not only of Father Job, but of Jesus Christ, Advocate for the Anawim Yahweh, Advocate for the Widow, the Orphan, the Poor in Spirit, to shake my fist at Heaven and demand, Why oh Why Hast Thou Forsaken Me?
There is no answer but the Cross of course.
That is the point.
Always Lord You have been the One who saves.
Always Lord You have been the One who advocates.
Always Lord You have been the One to be the Way, the Truth, and the Life
in the face of Futility, Falsehood, Injustice and Death
You You Alone are my hope.
Oh God
Oh God
Oh Momma how I miss you
Oh God
Momma and Disconnection from the Universe
Got that really really really strong sense today of utter disconnection from the universe.
Momma was really my connection to the Universe. I the Object Relations theorists are right, the mother is always the first connection to the Universe, and the primordial vision of the Universe itself, from the beginning, from birth.
No wonder it is through Mary that we come to Jesus.
Nothing really feels connected or quite real. Or perhaps it's the other way around, everything feels real but I don't feel real. Either way nothing feels connected at the moment.
And my feelings have bounced between sheer, bottomless sadness and sheer, bottomless desolation. It's either pain or it's futility; helplessness or hopelessness. Or both.
I went into Warehouse Market to buy some cheese for the dog. And oh God. Oh Momma. It's been so long since I've been in there. We used to go there all the time, together, Momma. I could almost see you there in your wheelchair. I could feel you looking at this and that. We would talk about getting this or that and I would hand you a tomato so you could tell me if it was a nice one or not. And I could almost hear you saying something about getting something a little sweet for your sweet tooth. And we would laugh together and you would get a few candy bars. Oh God. What I wouldn't give to be able to go back to the store with my Momma.
Oh God.
Oh well.
Thy will not mine be done.
Lord hellp me to take up my little Cross daily to Follow You with your big big Cross daily.
One day at a time
One hour at a time
One minute at a time
Momma was really my connection to the Universe. I the Object Relations theorists are right, the mother is always the first connection to the Universe, and the primordial vision of the Universe itself, from the beginning, from birth.
No wonder it is through Mary that we come to Jesus.
Nothing really feels connected or quite real. Or perhaps it's the other way around, everything feels real but I don't feel real. Either way nothing feels connected at the moment.
And my feelings have bounced between sheer, bottomless sadness and sheer, bottomless desolation. It's either pain or it's futility; helplessness or hopelessness. Or both.
I went into Warehouse Market to buy some cheese for the dog. And oh God. Oh Momma. It's been so long since I've been in there. We used to go there all the time, together, Momma. I could almost see you there in your wheelchair. I could feel you looking at this and that. We would talk about getting this or that and I would hand you a tomato so you could tell me if it was a nice one or not. And I could almost hear you saying something about getting something a little sweet for your sweet tooth. And we would laugh together and you would get a few candy bars. Oh God. What I wouldn't give to be able to go back to the store with my Momma.
Oh God.
Oh well.
Thy will not mine be done.
Lord hellp me to take up my little Cross daily to Follow You with your big big Cross daily.
One day at a time
One hour at a time
One minute at a time
One Day, One Hour, One Minute at a Time
Feeling horribly down again ...
Oh Momma I miss you so so so so so so much ...
Goal is still to try to honor you and the catastrophic character of your passing with as much authenticity and integrity as God may vouchesafe me ...
One day at a time
One hour at a time
One minute at a time
God I feel exhausted
Oh well
My guess is that Christ was a zillion times more exhausted as He bore His Cross on the Way of the Cross
O Lord give me strength by Your Grace to help me bear my little Cross wobbling after You with Your Big Cross on the Way of the Cross
One hour at a time
One minute at a time
Oh Momma I miss you so so so so so so much ...
Goal is still to try to honor you and the catastrophic character of your passing with as much authenticity and integrity as God may vouchesafe me ...
One day at a time
One hour at a time
One minute at a time
God I feel exhausted
Oh well
My guess is that Christ was a zillion times more exhausted as He bore His Cross on the Way of the Cross
O Lord give me strength by Your Grace to help me bear my little Cross wobbling after You with Your Big Cross on the Way of the Cross
One hour at a time
One minute at a time
Saturday, July 26, 2008
The Dog
I was feeling so down this morning ... oh Momma I miss you so much ... and I was looking out the back window, and there was a bunny rabbit sitting on the back lawn, just west of the back porch.
Oh Momma how we would have talked and laughed about that rabbit ...
Then I saw Spooky slowly creeping along the fence line ... squatting every now and then ... she still has the colitis or gastritis or whatever that is ... and she was perhaps 15 feet from the rabbit ... and didn't even seem to notice it ...
I fed her this morning ... with a very generous portion of cheese (she likes CHEEEEEEEZ!!) ... and she definitely still has an appetite for cheese ... I gave her the antibiotic ... and after going in and out of hte garage a few times to check on her, she seemed to be more up, her tail wagging, and looking at me, seeming to say, as Momma you would have said for her, "Gee ... are WE going anywhere?"
So I fixed up her a place in your car, Momma, and we went out. Honestly she had such a time getting into the front seat, but didn't even try for her accustomed place in the back seat.
Off we went ... and went to the cemetery ... looking for a short walk, something with shade, since it's hot ... and also of course I hoped we would both get to visit you, Momma.
We went for our "walky-walky" ... she was very very slow at first, and then up to slow ... I had given her aspirin this morning, but oh that arthritis must be bad ... we walked and got to visit you, Momma ... I reminded her, Momma, that you loved her so very very very very much ... and Momma I know she loved you very very vrery very much. And oh Momma we both do miss you so so so so so much.
Well, the dog and I walked back to the car ... I helped her into the passenger side seat ... and after a short distance, she clambered into the back seat. She lay down at first, but then stood up, right behind me, poking her nose out the window between the driver's seat and the back edge of the window ... in her accustomed car-riding stance ... and oh Momma it was so good to see her doing that. Of course I petted her and told her what a good girl she was and that if Momma were here Momma would tell her she's the prettiest girl in town.
We came home and I fixed some nice fresh water ... she's resting now Momma ... oh but God she's getting old too ... and I keep wondering how long ... and how I miss going for our long walks down at Woodward Park when she would chase the squirrels and jerk the leash out of my hand with her enthusiasm and strength and vigor ... all, I fear, gone by the wayside now.
Oh Momma I love you and miss you
Oh Spooky I love you and promise to take care of you ... please get well
Oh God have mercy on me
Charles Delacroix
Saint Joachim and Saint Anne, parents of the Blessed Virgin Mary
Oh Momma even the mother of mothers, Mary most Holy, must have grieved the deaths of her beloved parents. Oh Mary Most Holy, oh good St Anne, oh good St Joachim and good St Joseph, pray for me, and for my dear departed mother.
Oh Momma how we would have talked and laughed about that rabbit ...
Then I saw Spooky slowly creeping along the fence line ... squatting every now and then ... she still has the colitis or gastritis or whatever that is ... and she was perhaps 15 feet from the rabbit ... and didn't even seem to notice it ...
I fed her this morning ... with a very generous portion of cheese (she likes CHEEEEEEEZ!!) ... and she definitely still has an appetite for cheese ... I gave her the antibiotic ... and after going in and out of hte garage a few times to check on her, she seemed to be more up, her tail wagging, and looking at me, seeming to say, as Momma you would have said for her, "Gee ... are WE going anywhere?"
So I fixed up her a place in your car, Momma, and we went out. Honestly she had such a time getting into the front seat, but didn't even try for her accustomed place in the back seat.
Off we went ... and went to the cemetery ... looking for a short walk, something with shade, since it's hot ... and also of course I hoped we would both get to visit you, Momma.
We went for our "walky-walky" ... she was very very slow at first, and then up to slow ... I had given her aspirin this morning, but oh that arthritis must be bad ... we walked and got to visit you, Momma ... I reminded her, Momma, that you loved her so very very very very much ... and Momma I know she loved you very very vrery very much. And oh Momma we both do miss you so so so so so much.
Well, the dog and I walked back to the car ... I helped her into the passenger side seat ... and after a short distance, she clambered into the back seat. She lay down at first, but then stood up, right behind me, poking her nose out the window between the driver's seat and the back edge of the window ... in her accustomed car-riding stance ... and oh Momma it was so good to see her doing that. Of course I petted her and told her what a good girl she was and that if Momma were here Momma would tell her she's the prettiest girl in town.
We came home and I fixed some nice fresh water ... she's resting now Momma ... oh but God she's getting old too ... and I keep wondering how long ... and how I miss going for our long walks down at Woodward Park when she would chase the squirrels and jerk the leash out of my hand with her enthusiasm and strength and vigor ... all, I fear, gone by the wayside now.
Oh Momma I love you and miss you
Oh Spooky I love you and promise to take care of you ... please get well
Oh God have mercy on me
Charles Delacroix
Saint Joachim and Saint Anne, parents of the Blessed Virgin Mary
Oh Momma even the mother of mothers, Mary most Holy, must have grieved the deaths of her beloved parents. Oh Mary Most Holy, oh good St Anne, oh good St Joachim and good St Joseph, pray for me, and for my dear departed mother.
Friday, July 25, 2008
Chesterton, Buckley, and De Futilitates
I can't believe it's been so long since I checked in.
Oh God.
I visited Hornersville last weekend ... and managed to collect a good case of poison ivy ... all over the part of the cemetery I was cleaning up ... whew it's been ruff but much better now ...
Today has been rough ... but it really did help to visit the dietician today ... and talk about sort of basic self-care things. I'm diabetic and really haven't been eating right ... the doc said I'm anemic and "malnourished" ... so Momma, I'm trying to work on things. I bought some meat and have been eating more eggs and intend to seek to eat a bit better.
The biggest challenge is still ... De Futilitates ...
WTF ...
The answer of course is the Cross ... the answer to all things is the Cross ... but Momma life really does seem pointless with you not here ...
But then I was reading a couple of articles ... about GK Chesterton and Willam F Buckley, Jr ... and felt strangely better. The article said that this year is the 100th anniversary of Chesterton's The Man Who Was Thursday. Just knowing that there are those who have gone before and found some reason to keep putting one foot in front of the other ... helps so much.
I saw something about John Adams ... and remember how much simply reading his work when I was on the point of suicide in Miami in 1980 ... really got me past and helped me find a reason to keep going simply in recognizing that others, who I can't help but honor and respect deeply, have found reasons to keep going.
My goal is still to respond to the catastrophic passing of my Mom with as much honor and decency and integrity and authenticity as I can. I guess that's a species of the same answer to the challenge posed by De Futilitates.
So ... if the question demanded by De Futilitates is Why ...
The answer is ... not known to me ... but by Grace I believe the answer to have been carried among us by others: by Mom and John Adams and Chesterton and Buckley ... and ultimately by Our Lord Jesus Christ.
Why? Why not? is really another way of answering the same question.
But for now this seems to speak most to my heart:
Why? Adams, Chesterton, Buckley, Mom, Christ ...
Well ... works for me ...
Just for today ...
Oh Momma how I miss you ...
Oh Momma ...,
Holy Mary Most Pure Mother of God pray for us
Lord Jesus Christ Crucified have mercy on us
Charles Delacroix
Feast of St James
Oh God.
I visited Hornersville last weekend ... and managed to collect a good case of poison ivy ... all over the part of the cemetery I was cleaning up ... whew it's been ruff but much better now ...
Today has been rough ... but it really did help to visit the dietician today ... and talk about sort of basic self-care things. I'm diabetic and really haven't been eating right ... the doc said I'm anemic and "malnourished" ... so Momma, I'm trying to work on things. I bought some meat and have been eating more eggs and intend to seek to eat a bit better.
The biggest challenge is still ... De Futilitates ...
WTF ...
The answer of course is the Cross ... the answer to all things is the Cross ... but Momma life really does seem pointless with you not here ...
But then I was reading a couple of articles ... about GK Chesterton and Willam F Buckley, Jr ... and felt strangely better. The article said that this year is the 100th anniversary of Chesterton's The Man Who Was Thursday. Just knowing that there are those who have gone before and found some reason to keep putting one foot in front of the other ... helps so much.
I saw something about John Adams ... and remember how much simply reading his work when I was on the point of suicide in Miami in 1980 ... really got me past and helped me find a reason to keep going simply in recognizing that others, who I can't help but honor and respect deeply, have found reasons to keep going.
My goal is still to respond to the catastrophic passing of my Mom with as much honor and decency and integrity and authenticity as I can. I guess that's a species of the same answer to the challenge posed by De Futilitates.
So ... if the question demanded by De Futilitates is Why ...
The answer is ... not known to me ... but by Grace I believe the answer to have been carried among us by others: by Mom and John Adams and Chesterton and Buckley ... and ultimately by Our Lord Jesus Christ.
Why? Why not? is really another way of answering the same question.
But for now this seems to speak most to my heart:
Why? Adams, Chesterton, Buckley, Mom, Christ ...
Well ... works for me ...
Just for today ...
Oh Momma how I miss you ...
Oh Momma ...,
Holy Mary Most Pure Mother of God pray for us
Lord Jesus Christ Crucified have mercy on us
Charles Delacroix
Feast of St James
Monday, July 14, 2008
Only the Cross ... Only the Cross of Christ
Whew ... long day at work ... lots and lots of pressure ...
O Lord help me to keep my eyes on your Cross through all this ... it's so so so so hard.
But oh God.
Only You O Christ.
Only You
Oh God
Oh Momma
O Lord help me to keep my eyes on your Cross through all this ... it's so so so so hard.
But oh God.
Only You O Christ.
Only You
Oh God
Oh Momma
Of Momma and Ducks and Spooky and the Cross and the Cross and the Cross
Quick note on the rum ... I'm blogging from work before a 9 AM group.
Momma thank you so much for having me this morning ... thank you for waking me at 5:45 ... the time you died ... or the time I at least found you departed sitting beside your bed ... right where I sleep now every night ... so I rushed to you ... and in time ... it was an absolutely gorgeous sunrise ... with the dewiest grass ... I cried and cried ... I miss you so ... it hurts so much ... but just remembering that it's supposed to be this way, it's the Cross, really helps. Not that things aren't f'd up, they are, Job knew it, Jesus knew it, I know it, we all know it. But it's the Cross. So it's somehow OK. The Cross is OK. The rest is ... well OK only in the light of the Cross. In the light of this morning's sunrise. In Your Light O Lord.
I couldn't believe it when I was sitting there and just as the very sparkly direct ray of the sunrise came across your grave ... it was about 6:30 ... and there to the south, just about 15 or 20 feet away, waddled a bunch of ducklings ... then their mother ... I counted 7 ducklings ... and Momma their Momma was almost herding them along ... it was beautiful and I cried and I know you would have loved it so much. But Oh that you aren't here with me to talk and laugh about such a lovely, lovely sight.
Spooky still not feeling well at all ... I took her to the vet this AM ... they may run tests ... oh God I can hardly stand it ... but then it's the Cross too ... I'll be back to get her tonite & gave them my cell in the meantime. This was all rightly done though Momma I know ... I promised you I would take good care of her ... and I'm trying, I'm trying ...
But the Cross really means Letting Go not in the sense of things not being f'd up and ignoring that but in the sense of acknowledging frankly if with all the anger of Job and the anger of You on the Cross O Lord that I have *no* Control over ... well over anything. All I can do is embrace my Cross just for today and follow You. What else is there to do. This is it. And it's all I'm called to do. ANd it's enough.
I'm going to do group now ... Oh Momma ...
Oh Lord ...
I do feel better please help me to remember priorities:
1. Cross of Christ
2. Cross of Christ
3. Cross of Christ
In that order.
Charles Delacroix
Feast of St Camillus
Bastille Day
Momma thank you so much for having me this morning ... thank you for waking me at 5:45 ... the time you died ... or the time I at least found you departed sitting beside your bed ... right where I sleep now every night ... so I rushed to you ... and in time ... it was an absolutely gorgeous sunrise ... with the dewiest grass ... I cried and cried ... I miss you so ... it hurts so much ... but just remembering that it's supposed to be this way, it's the Cross, really helps. Not that things aren't f'd up, they are, Job knew it, Jesus knew it, I know it, we all know it. But it's the Cross. So it's somehow OK. The Cross is OK. The rest is ... well OK only in the light of the Cross. In the light of this morning's sunrise. In Your Light O Lord.
I couldn't believe it when I was sitting there and just as the very sparkly direct ray of the sunrise came across your grave ... it was about 6:30 ... and there to the south, just about 15 or 20 feet away, waddled a bunch of ducklings ... then their mother ... I counted 7 ducklings ... and Momma their Momma was almost herding them along ... it was beautiful and I cried and I know you would have loved it so much. But Oh that you aren't here with me to talk and laugh about such a lovely, lovely sight.
Spooky still not feeling well at all ... I took her to the vet this AM ... they may run tests ... oh God I can hardly stand it ... but then it's the Cross too ... I'll be back to get her tonite & gave them my cell in the meantime. This was all rightly done though Momma I know ... I promised you I would take good care of her ... and I'm trying, I'm trying ...
But the Cross really means Letting Go not in the sense of things not being f'd up and ignoring that but in the sense of acknowledging frankly if with all the anger of Job and the anger of You on the Cross O Lord that I have *no* Control over ... well over anything. All I can do is embrace my Cross just for today and follow You. What else is there to do. This is it. And it's all I'm called to do. ANd it's enough.
I'm going to do group now ... Oh Momma ...
Oh Lord ...
I do feel better please help me to remember priorities:
1. Cross of Christ
2. Cross of Christ
3. Cross of Christ
In that order.
Charles Delacroix
Feast of St Camillus
Bastille Day
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Embracing the Cross
I am feeling much better now. Thank you Lord.
I went by Walmart tonite and kept seeing people walking together. Usually that plain old pushes buttons and I don't even know why. Tonite I knew ... I'm feeling the loss not only of Momma but of everything ... the loneliness beyond loneliness. And so what. The "alone into the Alone" is part of the Cross too.
That's really always been the biggest difference for me O Lord in the Here and Now ... between utterly crushing misery and utterly crushing misery with meaning. The meaning being the Cross. Your Cross O Lord.
Nothing else matters. Only Your Cross. Only Your Cross O Lord.
Rather everything matters. Everything. Because everything is Your Cross O Lord.
Help me O Lord to remember ... to breathe in the Pain, to breathe out the Pain
To breathe in the Cross, to breathe out the Cross.
What else is there really.
Nothing. Nothing but the Cross.
O Momma when I visited you tonite ... that seering, horrible feeling of loss was there ... but ... but somehow it made ... not sense, nothing makes sense ... but it was connected to the Cross ... and therefore not bearable ... nothing is bearable ... but the unbearableness is bearable, the insanity and the absurdity and the nonsense is all in the Cross and upheld in the Cross and transmuted by the Cross and colored all through by the Precious Blood flowing from the Cross.
All is Horror but all is therefore the Cross.
Therefore all is in the Cross.
Nothing else matters. Everything matters. In the Cross Alone.
Oh God
Oh Momma
Oh Jesus ... Your Cross ... You and Your Cross Alone.
The Church is in the Cross too. Even the alone into the Alone is the Church ... in the Cross ...
Oh God
Oh Momma
I love you Momma
I love you O Cross
I love you O Christ Jesus
I love you O Mary Most Holy
I love you O Body of Christ in the Church
I love you St Camillus
I love you O Job
I love you and thank you so much for my dear Momma
I love you and thank you for the Cross
Only the Cross of Christ
Totus tuus
Charles Delacroix
I went by Walmart tonite and kept seeing people walking together. Usually that plain old pushes buttons and I don't even know why. Tonite I knew ... I'm feeling the loss not only of Momma but of everything ... the loneliness beyond loneliness. And so what. The "alone into the Alone" is part of the Cross too.
That's really always been the biggest difference for me O Lord in the Here and Now ... between utterly crushing misery and utterly crushing misery with meaning. The meaning being the Cross. Your Cross O Lord.
Nothing else matters. Only Your Cross. Only Your Cross O Lord.
Rather everything matters. Everything. Because everything is Your Cross O Lord.
Help me O Lord to remember ... to breathe in the Pain, to breathe out the Pain
To breathe in the Cross, to breathe out the Cross.
What else is there really.
Nothing. Nothing but the Cross.
O Momma when I visited you tonite ... that seering, horrible feeling of loss was there ... but ... but somehow it made ... not sense, nothing makes sense ... but it was connected to the Cross ... and therefore not bearable ... nothing is bearable ... but the unbearableness is bearable, the insanity and the absurdity and the nonsense is all in the Cross and upheld in the Cross and transmuted by the Cross and colored all through by the Precious Blood flowing from the Cross.
All is Horror but all is therefore the Cross.
Therefore all is in the Cross.
Nothing else matters. Everything matters. In the Cross Alone.
Oh God
Oh Momma
Oh Jesus ... Your Cross ... You and Your Cross Alone.
The Church is in the Cross too. Even the alone into the Alone is the Church ... in the Cross ...
Oh God
Oh Momma
I love you Momma
I love you O Cross
I love you O Christ Jesus
I love you O Mary Most Holy
I love you O Body of Christ in the Church
I love you St Camillus
I love you O Job
I love you and thank you so much for my dear Momma
I love you and thank you for the Cross
Only the Cross of Christ
Totus tuus
Charles Delacroix
WALL-E and the Cross of Christ
OK I'm back home ... still struggling in this Here and Now but really feeling better. Still hurting ... but WALL-E (2008) http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0910970/helped. I cried and cried afterward. No not about WALL-E but of course for you Momma. I miss you so much so much so much.
But WALL-E opens with this panorama of devastation amid which WALL-E wanders alone and lonely but Doing His Thing ... Doing the Next Right Thing. All to the tune of "Put on your Sunday clothes ..." from Hello Dolly(1969) http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0064418/
For the lyrics of "Put on your Sunday clothes" ... http://www.stlyrics.com/lyrics/hellodolly-movie/putonyoursundayclothes.htm
As I walked out I still ached but had remembered O Lord Your Cross.
And ... Charles ... what part of the word Cross don't you understand?
Of course it hurts. It's a Cross. It's the Cross. To the bearing of which we are all Called by Christ Himself.
Oh God it hurts. It all hurts so so so so so so much.
But it's the Cross.
It's the Cross.
It's Your Cross.
OK then.
Shit.
But OK then.
Thy Will Not Mine Be Done.
"Take up your Cross daily and Follow Me."
Shit.
OK.
OK.
Thy Will be Done.
But WALL-E opens with this panorama of devastation amid which WALL-E wanders alone and lonely but Doing His Thing ... Doing the Next Right Thing. All to the tune of "Put on your Sunday clothes ..." from Hello Dolly(1969) http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0064418/
For the lyrics of "Put on your Sunday clothes" ... http://www.stlyrics.com/lyrics/hellodolly-movie/putonyoursundayclothes.htm
As I walked out I still ached but had remembered O Lord Your Cross.
And ... Charles ... what part of the word Cross don't you understand?
Of course it hurts. It's a Cross. It's the Cross. To the bearing of which we are all Called by Christ Himself.
Oh God it hurts. It all hurts so so so so so so much.
But it's the Cross.
It's the Cross.
It's Your Cross.
OK then.
Shit.
But OK then.
Thy Will Not Mine Be Done.
"Take up your Cross daily and Follow Me."
Shit.
OK.
OK.
Thy Will be Done.
OK ... Just Do It ... Christ, Sheol and me
OK ... it's 2:30 PM
There's a WALL-E showing at 3:00 PM
I can make it
That'll be good
OK. I'm going. Just do it. Jesus, please come with me. Or rather allow me to come with You. Sheol can come along. So can St Job. So can all the Saints. So can Mary Mother of Sorrows. OK Gang. We can do this thing. Let's go. Into the truck and off to the movie.
Oh Momma ... if ... if God would allow ... and you would come too .... that would be so wonderful.
That too would be to respond to your passing with authenticity and honor and integrity
Momma I miss you so much. I just can't keep crying like this though. It's all so f'd up. No question about that. But I"ve got to go see a movie and get a break. Lord Jesus Christ Son of God have mercy on me a sinner.
Charles Delacroix
Sunday 15 in OT
Eve of St Camillus
St Camillus pray for me
There's a WALL-E showing at 3:00 PM
I can make it
That'll be good
OK. I'm going. Just do it. Jesus, please come with me. Or rather allow me to come with You. Sheol can come along. So can St Job. So can all the Saints. So can Mary Mother of Sorrows. OK Gang. We can do this thing. Let's go. Into the truck and off to the movie.
Oh Momma ... if ... if God would allow ... and you would come too .... that would be so wonderful.
That too would be to respond to your passing with authenticity and honor and integrity
Momma I miss you so much. I just can't keep crying like this though. It's all so f'd up. No question about that. But I"ve got to go see a movie and get a break. Lord Jesus Christ Son of God have mercy on me a sinner.
Charles Delacroix
Sunday 15 in OT
Eve of St Camillus
St Camillus pray for me
Wrong ... in Sheol
How much is wrong ...
Momma is gone
Her dog is dying
The Hutchens Cemetery has been desecrated
I can't really do anything about any of these things
I'm alone, lonely, purposeless adrift in Sheol
But I've got to keep focus
None of that matters ... only Christ matters
Or rather it all matters, matters infinitely ... because only Christ matters
Oh God have mercy on me
Christ have mercy
Lord have mercy
Christ have mercy
Momma is gone
Her dog is dying
The Hutchens Cemetery has been desecrated
I can't really do anything about any of these things
I'm alone, lonely, purposeless adrift in Sheol
But I've got to keep focus
None of that matters ... only Christ matters
Or rather it all matters, matters infinitely ... because only Christ matters
Oh God have mercy on me
Christ have mercy
Lord have mercy
Christ have mercy
Brown Eggs and Peanut Butter and Sheol
Well she didn't even eat the Brown Egg.
So I put some Peanut Butter on the Brown Egg and lay it down in front of her. She hardly looked at it. But I'm backing off hoping she'll eat. She ate a big spoon of Peanut Butter earlier this morning.
Oh Momma ... I'm trying ... I'm trying ... but Oh I'm so worried about her ... she sat in the car on the way back in the front seat ... I don't think she could even get the strength to get into the back seat ... I encouraged her to sit down but she didn't ... just sat as I petted and stroked her head ... I told her I love her and I told her you loved her and that she's just the Bestest Puppy Dog in the Whole Wide World ... just like you used to tell her Momma. I forgot to tell her she's the Prettiest Girl in Town. Like you did so much, Momma. But I tell her that all the time.
Momma I just can hardly breath it feels so ... so ... Sheol here ...
Maybe Grant was better off ... dying 8 days after his own mother ... oh God ... would that I could have left with Momma ...
Oh God oh God Oh God.
I'm going to go ... see a movie.
I saw The Children of Huang Shi (2008) http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0889588/ yesterday. So moving ... so sad ... so good ... so not so good. I kept thinking of you Momma. That's your generation. And I thought of Winston. And his time in China.
I've just got to get out ... and see you Momma ... and see a movie ... that'll sort of raise my spirits a bit ... always does ... :-)
I love you Momma ... oh God I just miss you so so so so so much ... and think Spookydoes too ... oh we miss you ....
So I put some Peanut Butter on the Brown Egg and lay it down in front of her. She hardly looked at it. But I'm backing off hoping she'll eat. She ate a big spoon of Peanut Butter earlier this morning.
Oh Momma ... I'm trying ... I'm trying ... but Oh I'm so worried about her ... she sat in the car on the way back in the front seat ... I don't think she could even get the strength to get into the back seat ... I encouraged her to sit down but she didn't ... just sat as I petted and stroked her head ... I told her I love her and I told her you loved her and that she's just the Bestest Puppy Dog in the Whole Wide World ... just like you used to tell her Momma. I forgot to tell her she's the Prettiest Girl in Town. Like you did so much, Momma. But I tell her that all the time.
Momma I just can hardly breath it feels so ... so ... Sheol here ...
Maybe Grant was better off ... dying 8 days after his own mother ... oh God ... would that I could have left with Momma ...
Oh God oh God Oh God.
I'm going to go ... see a movie.
I saw The Children of Huang Shi (2008) http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0889588/ yesterday. So moving ... so sad ... so good ... so not so good. I kept thinking of you Momma. That's your generation. And I thought of Winston. And his time in China.
I've just got to get out ... and see you Momma ... and see a movie ... that'll sort of raise my spirits a bit ... always does ... :-)
I love you Momma ... oh God I just miss you so so so so so much ... and think Spookydoes too ... oh we miss you ....
Sheol .. the Valley of the Shadow of Death
This is Sheol.
It is.
It just is.
Oh God.
I finished mounting the info on the Hutchens Cemetery ... a very old, very undocumented family cemetery where my G-G-Grandparents are buried ... and much of Momma's side of the family. I mounted the info into Findagrave. And reading those brief, brief histories again ... and thinking of how they were inter-related ... how short the lives ... how tragic ... those 3 Burton babies all buried beside their mother ... my G-Granduncle, Grant, buried beside his mother, my G-G-Grandmother ... she died in the flu epidemic of 1916 ... and he died 8 days after her, his mother ... oh God how tragic how horrible ...
OK ... Hope in God you are my only Hope
But this really is f'd up. It's f'n f'd cup.
What Hope. What Hope.
Only this ... Oh Jesus ... oh Job ... you went through this ... you went through this ... and did not pretend that anything was less horrible than it is. The Cross is horror. All is horror. That's just the way it is.
I drove the dog a short distance ... she just couldn't make it to the park ... we took a short, short walk over at my old elementary school. She's old ... and her joints must hurt the way she walks ... I gave her aspirin but still she limps ... and she pants and I pet her and hug her and tell her I love her. Momma's dog ... I promised her I'd take good care of her ... but oh God she's really just not eating. I"m boiling some Brown Eggs, Momma, right now, just like you used to do, to see if she'll eat them.
Oh God Oh God
Why Hast Thou Forsaken Me
Oh God
It is.
It just is.
Oh God.
I finished mounting the info on the Hutchens Cemetery ... a very old, very undocumented family cemetery where my G-G-Grandparents are buried ... and much of Momma's side of the family. I mounted the info into Findagrave. And reading those brief, brief histories again ... and thinking of how they were inter-related ... how short the lives ... how tragic ... those 3 Burton babies all buried beside their mother ... my G-Granduncle, Grant, buried beside his mother, my G-G-Grandmother ... she died in the flu epidemic of 1916 ... and he died 8 days after her, his mother ... oh God how tragic how horrible ...
OK ... Hope in God you are my only Hope
But this really is f'd up. It's f'n f'd cup.
What Hope. What Hope.
Only this ... Oh Jesus ... oh Job ... you went through this ... you went through this ... and did not pretend that anything was less horrible than it is. The Cross is horror. All is horror. That's just the way it is.
I drove the dog a short distance ... she just couldn't make it to the park ... we took a short, short walk over at my old elementary school. She's old ... and her joints must hurt the way she walks ... I gave her aspirin but still she limps ... and she pants and I pet her and hug her and tell her I love her. Momma's dog ... I promised her I'd take good care of her ... but oh God she's really just not eating. I"m boiling some Brown Eggs, Momma, right now, just like you used to do, to see if she'll eat them.
Oh God Oh God
Why Hast Thou Forsaken Me
Oh God
Like living in Sheol
The reports of the old views of Sheol ... the place of the dead ... give these pictures of a place where there is perpetual melancholy, universal gloom, a place of listlessness, of hopelessness, of helpless, endless sadness and darkness.
The Church teaches that there was in a way perhaps such a place ... Limbo? ... the Place of the Dead from which Christ rescued those there in waiting during His Descent into Hell (Sheol) on Holy Saturday.
But oh Lord that's really so much how everything feels here and now. Like living in Sheol.
I just now finished writing something and posting something of interest to me ... and while writing I managed to forget for a few minutes ... and then I rose to get food for the dog ... and it all comes back, like a punch to the gut, and I'm left looking around on a room without Momma, a house without Momma, a world without Momma. And it all feels gloomy and hopeless and I feel listless and sad beyond sadness. My stomach feels empty, like it's had the air punched out of it. I just shake my head and cry and wonder why oh why oh why.
OK ... Momma ... Lord ... I'm getting out. I have your tea ready Momma. I'm coming. I'll be there in a few minutes. But oh God. It's hard it's hard to do anything. Or to want to do anything.
Oh God.
Oh Momma.
I love you Momma and I miss you so so so so so much.
I saw a picture of a dog ... a funny picture of a good old dog ... and thought, I'll have to say something to Momma bout this ... and you're not here ... and we can't laugh together over this picture of this dog. And I wonder just what is the point of anything then.
Oh God have mercy on me.
Oh God
I love you and I love you and I just wonder why.
Oh God.
Your Will be done.
But Oh God.
Charles Delacroix
Sunday 15 in OT
Eve of the Feast of St Camillus
The Church teaches that there was in a way perhaps such a place ... Limbo? ... the Place of the Dead from which Christ rescued those there in waiting during His Descent into Hell (Sheol) on Holy Saturday.
But oh Lord that's really so much how everything feels here and now. Like living in Sheol.
I just now finished writing something and posting something of interest to me ... and while writing I managed to forget for a few minutes ... and then I rose to get food for the dog ... and it all comes back, like a punch to the gut, and I'm left looking around on a room without Momma, a house without Momma, a world without Momma. And it all feels gloomy and hopeless and I feel listless and sad beyond sadness. My stomach feels empty, like it's had the air punched out of it. I just shake my head and cry and wonder why oh why oh why.
OK ... Momma ... Lord ... I'm getting out. I have your tea ready Momma. I'm coming. I'll be there in a few minutes. But oh God. It's hard it's hard to do anything. Or to want to do anything.
Oh God.
Oh Momma.
I love you Momma and I miss you so so so so so much.
I saw a picture of a dog ... a funny picture of a good old dog ... and thought, I'll have to say something to Momma bout this ... and you're not here ... and we can't laugh together over this picture of this dog. And I wonder just what is the point of anything then.
Oh God have mercy on me.
Oh God
I love you and I love you and I just wonder why.
Oh God.
Your Will be done.
But Oh God.
Charles Delacroix
Sunday 15 in OT
Eve of the Feast of St Camillus
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Executor no more
I've been putting it off ... a packet from the lawyer's office has just been sitting over there and I've been putting off opening it.
I finally did. And sure enough it contains the Court's final discharge of me as Personal Representative / Executor for the Estate. Dated July 8.
Oh God. Oh God. Oh Momma.
Probate is over. The Estate is over. Finished.
Oh God.
Oh Momma oh Momma I miss you so much. So much. So much.
Beautiful sunrise this morning. We watched it together. Or would have watched it together. And told each other what a lovely, lovely morning it is.
No one at the cemetery except you and me and God ... and all the souls and bodies there ... and the host of Heaven ... no one else but the quiet morning watching the sunrise.
Oh Momma.
Oh God.
St Benedict pray for me
Holy Mary Mother of God pray for me
And Oh Jesus please please please please please take good care of my good Momma
Oh God.
Charles Delacroix
Feast of St Benedict
I finally did. And sure enough it contains the Court's final discharge of me as Personal Representative / Executor for the Estate. Dated July 8.
Oh God. Oh God. Oh Momma.
Probate is over. The Estate is over. Finished.
Oh God.
Oh Momma oh Momma I miss you so much. So much. So much.
Beautiful sunrise this morning. We watched it together. Or would have watched it together. And told each other what a lovely, lovely morning it is.
No one at the cemetery except you and me and God ... and all the souls and bodies there ... and the host of Heaven ... no one else but the quiet morning watching the sunrise.
Oh Momma.
Oh God.
St Benedict pray for me
Holy Mary Mother of God pray for me
And Oh Jesus please please please please please take good care of my good Momma
Oh God.
Charles Delacroix
Feast of St Benedict
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Bunny Rabbit
I pulled into the driveway and there was a bunny rabbit ... right in front of the gate, in the front yard, just where Spooky is usually lying, watching the street.
Momma, it really was very, very cute ... and you and I would have loved seeing it and talking about it.
Oh Momma.
I was driving home from a killer day at work just exhausted and thinking that I could hardly think straight ... and then thinking in only a few minutes I'll be at your graveside ... and then it hit me, like a sword in the heart, like a punch in the gut, like a sudden loss of everything that inside me keeps me together ... you're gone ... gone ... not here ... not here ...
Oh God
Oh Momma
Oh thy Will be Done Oh Lord
But Oh God
Oh God
Oh God ....
Momma, it really was very, very cute ... and you and I would have loved seeing it and talking about it.
Oh Momma.
I was driving home from a killer day at work just exhausted and thinking that I could hardly think straight ... and then thinking in only a few minutes I'll be at your graveside ... and then it hit me, like a sword in the heart, like a punch in the gut, like a sudden loss of everything that inside me keeps me together ... you're gone ... gone ... not here ... not here ...
Oh God
Oh Momma
Oh thy Will be Done Oh Lord
But Oh God
Oh God
Oh God ....
Monday, July 7, 2008
Light and Darkness in Hornersville
Momma, I got back from Hornersville yesterday evening ... and oh Lord ... such mixed, mixed feelings.
The Arthur / Hutchens Cemetery had grown up quite a bit just in the past ... I think ... 4 weeks since I was last there. And I found two large monuments toppled over.
Elijah Horner and Martha Horner's monument.
And E.J. Hutchens's monument.
There's a 3rd monument that came down in the past approx 2 months since I started going out to the Hutchens Cemetery there: the biggest monument of all, enormous really, 3 massive blocks one on top of the other, for H.N. Hutchens (Henry Nix Hutchens) and his wife Mary (Arthur) Hutchens.
All three I think must have been toppled by an irrigation boom passing over the cemetery.
I had spoke with the farmer who farms the land about the first desecration. He denied knowing anything about it and ascribed it to vandals. And I reported the 2nd desecration (what else to call it?) to the Dunklin Co Sheriff. He was very kind. But nothing sounds very hopeful about doing anything about it of a substantive nature. The land belongs to the farmer, or the person(s) from whom he leases it.
I spoke with Aunt Edna and she doesn't express much hope to say the least either.
Momma, I know, I know ... I really do tend to idealize this picture of Hornersville ... and of a small-town, family-oriented community, with a deep sense of community ... and rootedness ... and that speaks to my heart, torn by deracination, very much. That's perhaps the light side of a small town community.
The darker side is actually the "flip side" of the same deep connections. Someone with such connections can do much ... and get away with it ... because those connections will protect him/her. Not unlike the Mafia Omerta. If I'm seen as an outsider ... Justice is not the issue, but the question of who's an Insider and who's an Outsider.
CS Lewis was right ... speaking of Phileo ... and some allied senses of Love, like Love of Country. All very good as far as it goes.
But without an added sense of Goodness and Justice ... Phileo and Love of Kin and Love of Community can turn to Injustice ... with some truly horrible things countenanced and tolerated depending on one's "connections" in the community.
Oh God
Oh Momma
Thank you Lord for all the good things about Hornersville. Help me please to walk my walk in acceptance of the reality that may be Hornersville as well ... for good and ill.
And I must say there was so much that was moving in my visit. I saw the Joe Hole. I took pictures and Aunt Edna and Cousin Rosanna looked at them, and Rosanna confirmed that that truly was the Joe Hole. Means so much just to see and remember what it meant to you, Momma.
And now I'm off to work.
I love you Momma and I miss you so so so so so so so so much
I put flowers on your G-Grampa Samuel Arthur's and your G-Granma Louisey Goad Arthur's graves. May God in His Mercy allow that you all may be conversing of happier things even now. Thank you God for my Momma ... and for my G-G-Gransparents Samuel & Louisey.
And for all in my family ... and for all in Hornersville, past and present.
I ask by Jesus' Mercy Grace and Happiness such as is consistent with Your Will for all.
And for Your Love for Me Lord Jesus.
Charles Delacroix
Monday of Week 14 in Ordinary Time
The Arthur / Hutchens Cemetery had grown up quite a bit just in the past ... I think ... 4 weeks since I was last there. And I found two large monuments toppled over.
Elijah Horner and Martha Horner's monument.
And E.J. Hutchens's monument.
There's a 3rd monument that came down in the past approx 2 months since I started going out to the Hutchens Cemetery there: the biggest monument of all, enormous really, 3 massive blocks one on top of the other, for H.N. Hutchens (Henry Nix Hutchens) and his wife Mary (Arthur) Hutchens.
All three I think must have been toppled by an irrigation boom passing over the cemetery.
I had spoke with the farmer who farms the land about the first desecration. He denied knowing anything about it and ascribed it to vandals. And I reported the 2nd desecration (what else to call it?) to the Dunklin Co Sheriff. He was very kind. But nothing sounds very hopeful about doing anything about it of a substantive nature. The land belongs to the farmer, or the person(s) from whom he leases it.
I spoke with Aunt Edna and she doesn't express much hope to say the least either.
Momma, I know, I know ... I really do tend to idealize this picture of Hornersville ... and of a small-town, family-oriented community, with a deep sense of community ... and rootedness ... and that speaks to my heart, torn by deracination, very much. That's perhaps the light side of a small town community.
The darker side is actually the "flip side" of the same deep connections. Someone with such connections can do much ... and get away with it ... because those connections will protect him/her. Not unlike the Mafia Omerta. If I'm seen as an outsider ... Justice is not the issue, but the question of who's an Insider and who's an Outsider.
CS Lewis was right ... speaking of Phileo ... and some allied senses of Love, like Love of Country. All very good as far as it goes.
But without an added sense of Goodness and Justice ... Phileo and Love of Kin and Love of Community can turn to Injustice ... with some truly horrible things countenanced and tolerated depending on one's "connections" in the community.
Oh God
Oh Momma
Thank you Lord for all the good things about Hornersville. Help me please to walk my walk in acceptance of the reality that may be Hornersville as well ... for good and ill.
And I must say there was so much that was moving in my visit. I saw the Joe Hole. I took pictures and Aunt Edna and Cousin Rosanna looked at them, and Rosanna confirmed that that truly was the Joe Hole. Means so much just to see and remember what it meant to you, Momma.
And now I'm off to work.
I love you Momma and I miss you so so so so so so so so much
I put flowers on your G-Grampa Samuel Arthur's and your G-Granma Louisey Goad Arthur's graves. May God in His Mercy allow that you all may be conversing of happier things even now. Thank you God for my Momma ... and for my G-G-Gransparents Samuel & Louisey.
And for all in my family ... and for all in Hornersville, past and present.
I ask by Jesus' Mercy Grace and Happiness such as is consistent with Your Will for all.
And for Your Love for Me Lord Jesus.
Charles Delacroix
Monday of Week 14 in Ordinary Time
Friday, July 4, 2008
Happy Fourth, Momma ... I'm bound for Hornersville
Happy Fourth of July, Momma.
I can't believe you aren't here ... we would talk and talk about the fireworks. And about our country. And about Grampa and his love of our country.
I'm on my way to see him ... and our other forebears ... in Hornersville.
I looked up the Bone Cemetery on the maps and hope to see Aunt Edna's delightfully remembered Effie Edmondson, too.
Oh Momma how I miss you.
I love you and miss you so so so so so so so so so much.
Please Lord Jesus please ... take good care of my good Momma
I love you Momma
I love you Jesus
Thank you so so so so so so much for my Momma
Thank you both
Thank you all.
Charles Delacroix
Independence Day
Birthday of Our Country
Feast of St Elizabeth of Portugal
I can't believe you aren't here ... we would talk and talk about the fireworks. And about our country. And about Grampa and his love of our country.
I'm on my way to see him ... and our other forebears ... in Hornersville.
I looked up the Bone Cemetery on the maps and hope to see Aunt Edna's delightfully remembered Effie Edmondson, too.
Oh Momma how I miss you.
I love you and miss you so so so so so so so so so much.
Please Lord Jesus please ... take good care of my good Momma
I love you Momma
I love you Jesus
Thank you so so so so so so much for my Momma
Thank you both
Thank you all.
Charles Delacroix
Independence Day
Birthday of Our Country
Feast of St Elizabeth of Portugal
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