Functionality and Grief: A Plan

Momma ... Oh God ...

Functionality is facing me as more of a challenge these days than in the past year ...

I met with the dietician on Friday ... and my health is not good ... my diabetes management has been better than it could have been, but my HbA1c is still over 11 ... that's bad, Momma ... and I was out of work for 3 days last week ... mostly stress-driven, grief-driven feeling bad ...

Momma I know you would want me to take better care of myself. I'm trying.

And Spooky died just a little over a week ago ... Aug 29 ... oh Momma ... oh Spooky ...

But I'm trying ...

And health aside I think I've got to to get a little more functional over the next 2 months Momma ... trying to finish getting the house piered, and the mortgage, and then got to get another job. The job stress is very high but I just have to stay there for now to support the mortgagin. And Momma the loan repayment program decertified the work site I'm at ... so big big blow ... and I've got to find another job ...

So ... my short-term goal is to increase my functionality long enough to get through this period. Secondary to The Goal: respond to your passing with as much integrity and authenticity and honor as I can muster by God's Grace in Christ.

So: increase functionality secondary to responding with authenticity to your passing Momma.

I joined a couple of online grief support groups yesterday.

I got a book at the Catholic Book Store by Jerusha Hull McCormack, Grieving: A Beginner's Guide. Humbling title Momma ... but oh ... it's been over a year ... Aug 22 2007 ... but oh Momma ...

I bought some more things to cook up a big stew that I can eat on during the week ... dietician's suggestion ... giving it a try ...

And yesterday I started taking my Prozac. I wrestled with this: I just plain do not want to manipulate my feelings ... but the stress-energy ratio for me these days is just way too high Momma.

For now ... so ... despite my past critique of functionality at the expense of grief ... I am consciously choosing, Momma, to do exactly that to some extent. God I hate this. But I realize that Momma you would yourself support this. You have yourself done this. And I keep asking down at your grave, "how do people do it? how do they do this?" And to some extent I think the answer is: this is how they do it. They do choose functionality at the expense of grief. They have families, they have here-and-now responsibilities, for which functionality is important.

So I am making this choice for now ...

While at the same time shouting as loudly as I can that this is NOT RIGHT, NOT RIGHT, NOT RIGHT.

I hate it

I hate it

I hate it

but it is

it is

it is

But if I'm going to do this where is it I want to go with this. Where do I want to be. What would I like to happen by God's Grace if He should so will.

Goal: Respond with as much authenticity & integrity & honesty to your passing Momma as I can

Means of getting there: Functionality to some degree; Surrender to largest degree

What goal achievement might look like in the Here-and-Now

1. Christ - Mass, prayer, Confession, all the Sacraments and gifts of Holy Church ... the intentional acceptance of God's Grace

2. Momma & Spooky Visits - Keep visiting Momma's grave ev morning & evening, continue Office for the Dead MP and EP. OOR I used to do daily, don't do it as much now, but may continue intermittently God willing. Visit Spooky's grave in the back yard daily.

3. Own & maintain home: Mom's former home. Go through her things ... her poems, her writings Dad's letters, everything ... slowly, gradually ...

4. Job -new job with lower stress. Be open to getting out of the profession temporarily at least and geting a "recovery job" if finances permit.

5. Movies - key stress reliever, keep them up

6. Diabetes better mgmt ... look into pump, look into gallstone reeval at Doc visit in Dec

Things like counseling - still going to grief counselor; grief groups; Prozac ... all to seek to alleviate features of grief undermining functionality ... but just temporarily as a means to an end, increasing functionality to get to the above.

Oh hell

Oh God

Oh Momma

Oh Momma

Oh Jesus

Have mercy on me help me Lord Jesus

Charles Delacroix
Sunday 23 in OT