Plan Addendum: Feeling and Feeling and Feeling

I need to keep going places where we've gone, Momma, you and I, and you and I and Spooky.

Like yesterday ... I went to a movie ... then to the bookstore for that book on Grief, & got some Holy Cards - St Dismas and Nomen Mariae and Pieta - and then to Woodward Park, and the Rose Garden. I parked where we used to park, and walked where we used to walk, and sat where we used to sit ... and read and prayed and thought and felt and felt and felt ... yes, mostly felt, what it was like then, what it is like now ...

There were no squirrels around where I was sitting, so I couldn't feed them the popcorn I brought. But maybe another day ...

I did. last evening, walk the circuit on the path on the crest of the berm around the flood control basin just NW of Memorial Drive UMC. Oh Momma. How many times we went there ... you could only sit in the car ... and I would take Spooky for a walk around the circuit ... well Spooky and I have kept going there since you've been gone .. the last time we were both there was I think 2 weeks ago tomorrow. Oh I can't say what I was feeling walking there last night ... without Spooky ...

Wrong ... everything felt wrong .... and still feels ... WRONG

That book confirmed as much and seemed to support my feelings on this and I'm sure that's one reason I got it ... the feelings of a Job, the feelings of Jesus on the Cross when he cried out, "Why hast Thou forsaken me?" Those are sacred feelings as unpleasant as they may be and I have no desire to lose such a precious precous gift.

Of horror, of disjunction, of wrongness, of alienation, of sorrow, of anger, of hurting and hurting and hurting ... and aching and aching and aching ...

because you are gone Momma .. you are gone and the void is not filled and cannot be filled ...

Yet even this is a Ikon of God

Dionysius was right ... so right ... so was St John of the Cross ... so were all on the Via Negative ... in Your Absence, there you Are, O Lord. Feeling that enormous loss, that gaping wound, that spearthrust in Your Side O Christ, and in the wounded, bleeding side of humanity, of all this world, in that Void is the Need and the Longing and the utter Desolation that cries out for You ... and which reflects You, as an Ikon, albeit a Mirror Image, of You ... like a mold crying out to be filled by You, yet in Your absence, the mold gives a true, tho reverse, image of You ... and of you Momma ... and of you Spooky ... both of you Imago Dei ...

Oh God

Oh God

Oh God

Take away not these feelings of hurt and pain and loss

These are feelings that proclaim Momma's Absence and Spooky's Absence ... and Your Absence

And therefore they proclaim Momma's Presence and Spooky's Presence and YOUR Presence.

Be Present for me O My God O how I need you

Gaping wound am I gaping need am I

Where I lack ... that is, in everything

Be my lack ... that is, my everything

Charles Delacroix
Sunday XXIII in OT