Someone in my Grief Support Group on Thursday mentioned how much he values the knowledge of his ... and his dead wife's ... legacy. Legacy in their children, and their grandchildren.
I felt that pang: I have no such legacy. Everyone in that group seems to have family and friends ... both not exactly my strong points. Nor ... honestly ... my Mom's. Not when she died.
Legacy could I guess mean either Family or Friends or both. On either score, let's face it. From the point of view of Legacy, Mom's "project" was, on her departure, in shambles. Although to be sure her shambles were far superior to my own.
But then I remember Ozymandias. And the professional mourners that the bereaved hired in bygone years. Clearly the Legacy for many in the Here and Now is a major challenge. And in the long run ... there is no Legacy in this world for anyone, is there.
Maybe that's one reason I feel such a hunger for celebrating Mom now ... for taking pictures, and looking at her photo album, and going to where she's been before ... I know that when I am gone there will be no one ... *no* one ... who will be treasuring these mementos, etc, as does her son. I am the last; when I am gone, all is gone in our line; and frankly the photos I take will be of zero interest to anyone else. That hurts, it hurts so much.
I guess in a way that's what a big, big part of me sees as my Vocation: to appreciate her. In the Here and Now.
Because that's that ... and after that, it's all over.
That's how I feel. Even knowing that God will be her greatest, and most infinite, appreciator ... as for all of us. No one knows me and you and each person nearly as well as God. No one can love her like God does. Ever. These things I know. Yet ... yet ... how I feel is very, very overwhelmed with a sense of finality, of "this is the End."
Oh my God please have mercy on her ... and on me. And on all of us ...
Love in Christ,
Charles Delacroix
Eve of the Feast of St Bruno
Friday, October 5, 2007
Thursday, October 4, 2007
Getting It Together and Losing It Again
Last night, I went to Church, where I've joined the RCIA Team ... partly as a means of trying to get involved in this reification of the Body of Christ. This was Deacon Jerry's suggestion, and I think he's right as far as it goes. I have almost no friends or family. Can't do much about my poverty regarding family; but getting involved might help alleviate my poverty of friends.
But I really made and effort and think I was fairly relaxed, was able to interact OK, etc. I still felt distant and hollow and basically hopeless. But all the same I was able to "get it together" for the evening.
Then today, early in the afternoon, I began missing Mom horribly. I screamed at the walls of my house (our house) and went to her gravesite and used up most of a box of kleenex really just crying and telling her how very, very, very much I miss her.
I met with Deacon Jerry later in the day, and then went to my Grief Group, and later caught a movie to get my mind off things.
So in a way I lost it, but I got it together. Right? Or ... was it perhaps the reverse ... was acting out a friendliness I didn't feel, and in effect "getting my mind off things" ... was that getting it together? Or losing it? Was getting my mind off Mom violating me ... and her ...? And then when crying uncontrollably at home and at the gravesite ... was I losing it? Or was I getting back to something too precious to dismiss with a spurious and empty activity?
May God have mercy on me ... and you, Mom, always, always, always my mother ...
Love,
Charles Delacroix
Feast of St Francis d'Assisi
But I really made and effort and think I was fairly relaxed, was able to interact OK, etc. I still felt distant and hollow and basically hopeless. But all the same I was able to "get it together" for the evening.
Then today, early in the afternoon, I began missing Mom horribly. I screamed at the walls of my house (our house) and went to her gravesite and used up most of a box of kleenex really just crying and telling her how very, very, very much I miss her.
I met with Deacon Jerry later in the day, and then went to my Grief Group, and later caught a movie to get my mind off things.
So in a way I lost it, but I got it together. Right? Or ... was it perhaps the reverse ... was acting out a friendliness I didn't feel, and in effect "getting my mind off things" ... was that getting it together? Or losing it? Was getting my mind off Mom violating me ... and her ...? And then when crying uncontrollably at home and at the gravesite ... was I losing it? Or was I getting back to something too precious to dismiss with a spurious and empty activity?
May God have mercy on me ... and you, Mom, always, always, always my mother ...
Love,
Charles Delacroix
Feast of St Francis d'Assisi
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
Motivation, Amotivation, and "De Futilates"
The trouble for me is that although I realize ... usually, when not too depressed anyway, I realize that there is some kind of purpose for me; that God really has something for me to do ... if nothing else I can chase after a car and tell the driver that she lost a hubcap back on 31st. That really did happen today .... .... but now that is in fact a good thing; and there are other good things that I can do by God's grace. But ... at another level ... why do them? Why? What's the poin? In this life? In the Here and Now I mean? Everything ... *everything* ... feels .... *feels* ... utterly bleak and futile without Mom here.
That's the problem with the whole idea that "the point is to move forward" or "the goal is to let go" or (more brutally) "you need to get your mind off of her so you can do something else."
Why? Why should I move forward? Why? What's the Point?
And ...
I just can't see this in utilitarian terms ...
The struggle is to find some kind of meaning in her loss before I can find some kind of meaning in anything else. Or that's how it feels to me.
Is the goal of Grieving to Get On, Move On, Get More Functional, etc?
Or is it to find a way to Honor the Meaning and Dignity of the Human Person that is Mom; and to Honor the Relationship that God in His Grace allowed ... to Honor My Mother, as Mother, and as Person.
I think the latter. I feel the latter. At a very, very, very gut level. The hell with utility.
Dignity and meaning are the challenges for me these days.
Yet even so ... beyond this ... this seeking Dignity and Grace and Meaning in the Life of Mom and in the Death of Mom ... beyond this I can see no path forward ... the minutes and hours and days stretch out bleakly and meaninglessly, at an existential level, far over the horizon ...
O Lord ... with Job ... with You in Gethsemani ... I feel so alone, so stripped of hope, stripped of meaning, drowning in futility ...
Yet I know that underneathe all this You Are. You Are the Foundation of all, of everything.
Help me to keep my eyes on You even when there seems no rhyme or reason to the Here and Now from which I gaze blinking into the darkness in which You dwell ...
And that is what St John of the Cross said again and again ... You dwell in Darkness, not Light, of Faith, not Sight, for here and now we see in a Glass Darkly ....
I love you Mom
I love you Jesus
I love you God
I love you in all your saints and all your angels
I love you
I don't see you
I don't see anything
I don't see the path
I don't see even the Cross You place on my shoulders
But I feel it
And by Your Grace I bear it in love
Your love
Your faith
Your hope
You alone God
You alone
You
In Jesus Name,
Charles Delacroix
Feast of the Holy Guardian Angels
That's the problem with the whole idea that "the point is to move forward" or "the goal is to let go" or (more brutally) "you need to get your mind off of her so you can do something else."
Why? Why should I move forward? Why? What's the Point?
And ...
I just can't see this in utilitarian terms ...
The struggle is to find some kind of meaning in her loss before I can find some kind of meaning in anything else. Or that's how it feels to me.
Is the goal of Grieving to Get On, Move On, Get More Functional, etc?
Or is it to find a way to Honor the Meaning and Dignity of the Human Person that is Mom; and to Honor the Relationship that God in His Grace allowed ... to Honor My Mother, as Mother, and as Person.
I think the latter. I feel the latter. At a very, very, very gut level. The hell with utility.
Dignity and meaning are the challenges for me these days.
Yet even so ... beyond this ... this seeking Dignity and Grace and Meaning in the Life of Mom and in the Death of Mom ... beyond this I can see no path forward ... the minutes and hours and days stretch out bleakly and meaninglessly, at an existential level, far over the horizon ...
O Lord ... with Job ... with You in Gethsemani ... I feel so alone, so stripped of hope, stripped of meaning, drowning in futility ...
Yet I know that underneathe all this You Are. You Are the Foundation of all, of everything.
Help me to keep my eyes on You even when there seems no rhyme or reason to the Here and Now from which I gaze blinking into the darkness in which You dwell ...
And that is what St John of the Cross said again and again ... You dwell in Darkness, not Light, of Faith, not Sight, for here and now we see in a Glass Darkly ....
I love you Mom
I love you Jesus
I love you God
I love you in all your saints and all your angels
I love you
I don't see you
I don't see anything
I don't see the path
I don't see even the Cross You place on my shoulders
But I feel it
And by Your Grace I bear it in love
Your love
Your faith
Your hope
You alone God
You alone
You
In Jesus Name,
Charles Delacroix
Feast of the Holy Guardian Angels
Meds ... and a Rough Day
I finally cleaned out Mom's meds today ... the whole bottom shelf of the cabinet we used for her meds. Very painful. I couldn't get to the 2nd & 3rd shelves ... that will have to wait till later. But I was able to empty her meds from her One Week Pill Holder ... which was still the same as her last week of life in August.
After this I began my own meds once again. I have diabetes and I've been taking my insulin ... but haven't bothered with the pills since August. I started back today.
Good ... but it felt once again like I was watching her die ....
And ... what a rough day ...
I was crying and called my aunt ... and had a painful conversation ... she was very nice but it was clear that she was downright tired of her sister's son moping ... and wanted me to "move on." And maybe at one level she's right. But at another ... not happening ...
I went to see a movie ... Eastern Promises ... wonderful movie ... got some relief there but it was short lived .... I became very depressed ... went to see Mom again ... back home ... felt horrible ...
I can't see the path forward. I really can't. I know I don't really need to see the path forward though. I only need to see Christ Bearing His Cross on the Way just in front of me as I wobble my way after Him, Following Him, stumbling after Him.
My my guardian angel ... and hers ... aid us and advocate for us as we seek to Follow Him ...
Charles Delacroix
F of the Guardian Angels
After this I began my own meds once again. I have diabetes and I've been taking my insulin ... but haven't bothered with the pills since August. I started back today.
Good ... but it felt once again like I was watching her die ....
And ... what a rough day ...
I was crying and called my aunt ... and had a painful conversation ... she was very nice but it was clear that she was downright tired of her sister's son moping ... and wanted me to "move on." And maybe at one level she's right. But at another ... not happening ...
I went to see a movie ... Eastern Promises ... wonderful movie ... got some relief there but it was short lived .... I became very depressed ... went to see Mom again ... back home ... felt horrible ...
I can't see the path forward. I really can't. I know I don't really need to see the path forward though. I only need to see Christ Bearing His Cross on the Way just in front of me as I wobble my way after Him, Following Him, stumbling after Him.
My my guardian angel ... and hers ... aid us and advocate for us as we seek to Follow Him ...
Charles Delacroix
F of the Guardian Angels
Monday, October 1, 2007
Watching The War on PBS ... Whew ...
I happened to turn on PBS tonite ... they've been showing Ken Burns' The War ... and after watching only a little, I feel downright ashamed of my rant earlier today.
After watching these amazing soldiers, and what they went through ... and what their families went through ... really, what do I have to complain about?
The episode tonite focused on The Battle of the Bulge, which captured my interest especially because my father was in it. Dad was in a unit that was attached to the 101st Airborne in Bastogne, and he was among the soldiers trapped there during the battle. I found myself watching the faces of the soldiers, studying them ... trying to see if my father happened to show up on one of the film clips. Of course the chances of his being on any battle film, much less any film shown tonite, was very very slim indeed. But I couldn't help lookiing and wondering at least if he had known any of these soldiers. Were these friends? Did he fight alongside any of these soldiers?
My God My God ...
St Therese, please send your roses from Heaven upon any soldiers and their families remaining alive today from that long, long ago time ...
Oh Mom ... she was actually a member of The Greatest Generation, in Tom Brokaw's words. I remember I proudly said this to her on a number of occasions. She reacted with acceptance but almost dismissive humility ... but I think she was privately pleased ...
The archival footage that is beings shown in The War is really just amazing. I can't help but wonder ... O Lord ... at the end of time, will we have the opportunity to see the full eternal archive of "film" images ... what an extraordinary work is man ....
Charles Delacroix
F of St Therese de Lisieux
After watching these amazing soldiers, and what they went through ... and what their families went through ... really, what do I have to complain about?
The episode tonite focused on The Battle of the Bulge, which captured my interest especially because my father was in it. Dad was in a unit that was attached to the 101st Airborne in Bastogne, and he was among the soldiers trapped there during the battle. I found myself watching the faces of the soldiers, studying them ... trying to see if my father happened to show up on one of the film clips. Of course the chances of his being on any battle film, much less any film shown tonite, was very very slim indeed. But I couldn't help lookiing and wondering at least if he had known any of these soldiers. Were these friends? Did he fight alongside any of these soldiers?
My God My God ...
St Therese, please send your roses from Heaven upon any soldiers and their families remaining alive today from that long, long ago time ...
Oh Mom ... she was actually a member of The Greatest Generation, in Tom Brokaw's words. I remember I proudly said this to her on a number of occasions. She reacted with acceptance but almost dismissive humility ... but I think she was privately pleased ...
The archival footage that is beings shown in The War is really just amazing. I can't help but wonder ... O Lord ... at the end of time, will we have the opportunity to see the full eternal archive of "film" images ... what an extraordinary work is man ....
Charles Delacroix
F of St Therese de Lisieux
O Lord ... No No No No ... Yes ...
O Lord ... this has been a rough day for me ...
I started by doing some "business" ... catching up on some bills. Kept aching and hurting and misplacing checkbooks and pens and stamps and things ... I'm not so great at this kind of thing anyway but seeing Mom's name and working on her bills and her files ... it almost feels like a violation of hte universe ... to work on things that she has been working on all her life ...
I also got an estate-connected threat of legal action ... the "legals" really are something of a mess. And again I'm not so good at "legals." I finally did what I've been putting off for so long ... and called an attorney recommended by a cousin and made an appointment. My cousin, thank God, is a business woman and she'll be going to the meeting with me. She's got great business sense. But oh even talking with her about this felt so like something else of Mom's is coming to a close. Which of course it is. But oh God how it hurts, it hurts ...
I finally decided to go see a movie and saw "The Brave One." I 've seen it before. It's really a wonderful story ... about loss, in many ways, so it really went to my heart. I cried off and on all through the movie, and when the Jodie Foster character lays crying on her fiance's grave, and when she cries and tells his memory that he's left a hole in her ... oh I couldn't even beging to hold it together then, and cried and cried and cried.
I finally got actually sick to my stomach ... which happens sometimes when I'm under enough stress and cry a lot ... but went by Mom's grave again on my way home.
All I want to do right now is say NO so loud that God and all the Host of Heaven can hear it. But of course there is no need to shout. He is here. He can hear a whisper. He can hear a silent thought. He can hear the heart that can't speak because it's broken.
O Lord please ...
But ... but in the OOR for today we find St Therese de Lisieux embracing a Vocation of Love ... and a Love that in turn embraces utter poverty of spirit. I read in Br Lawrence of the Resurrection where he similarly embraces all the pain and humiliation that God in His Grace may deign to send him.
So once again back to the Cross ...
And Gethsemani ...
And Pain and suffering and ...
Accepting my Cross as He accepted His, as Therese accepted hers, as Lawrence accepted his ...
Pain ... breathe in the Pain ... breathe out the Pain ... in ... out ... in ... out ...
O but Lord ...
NO ... NO NO NO NO ... I'm not good at this Pain thing You know ...
NO ... NO I really just can't handle it ...
NO ... please please I miss her so much ...
So much so much so much so much ...
O God ...
But then ...
To me to live is Christ and to die is gain ...
St Paul in Philippians ... OOR again ...
I don't have to do this ... I don't have to be able to do Pain ... I don't have to do anything really ...
Except Die ...
Die daily ... pick up this Q$#WQ%Q#$%!ADFAD!$#@%#^ Cross daily and Die ... to self ... to Live ... in You ...
I who am nothing have nothing can do nothing ... apart from You who are All can do All ...
There is a Yes beyond all the No's even for Job isn't there ...
For all of us ...
You Lord You are All in All. The Alpha and Omega, the Beginning and the End ...
And so ...
With Job ...
I repent in sackcloth and ashes ...
And in the midst of all my No's ... ask You to be my Yes ...
There is no other way ... YOU are my only Hope ...
O Lord ... please be for me everything I cannot be ... which is everything ...
Please Mary Mother of Sorrows pray for me
Please Joseph pray for me
Please St Therese pray for me
Please all angels and saints especially patrons and patronesses of the hopeless ... pray for me.
I love you Jesus ...
Yes to You and You Alone ...
Just for today ...
One day at a time
One hour at a time
One minute at a time
Oh please be my Yes in the midst of all my No ...
I love you Mom and miss you so much ... Jesus I know you will take good care of her ...
Oh God. Yes. Just for today I embrace Your Cross.
Yes.
Charles Delacroix
F of St Therese de Lisieux
I started by doing some "business" ... catching up on some bills. Kept aching and hurting and misplacing checkbooks and pens and stamps and things ... I'm not so great at this kind of thing anyway but seeing Mom's name and working on her bills and her files ... it almost feels like a violation of hte universe ... to work on things that she has been working on all her life ...
I also got an estate-connected threat of legal action ... the "legals" really are something of a mess. And again I'm not so good at "legals." I finally did what I've been putting off for so long ... and called an attorney recommended by a cousin and made an appointment. My cousin, thank God, is a business woman and she'll be going to the meeting with me. She's got great business sense. But oh even talking with her about this felt so like something else of Mom's is coming to a close. Which of course it is. But oh God how it hurts, it hurts ...
I finally decided to go see a movie and saw "The Brave One." I 've seen it before. It's really a wonderful story ... about loss, in many ways, so it really went to my heart. I cried off and on all through the movie, and when the Jodie Foster character lays crying on her fiance's grave, and when she cries and tells his memory that he's left a hole in her ... oh I couldn't even beging to hold it together then, and cried and cried and cried.
I finally got actually sick to my stomach ... which happens sometimes when I'm under enough stress and cry a lot ... but went by Mom's grave again on my way home.
All I want to do right now is say NO so loud that God and all the Host of Heaven can hear it. But of course there is no need to shout. He is here. He can hear a whisper. He can hear a silent thought. He can hear the heart that can't speak because it's broken.
O Lord please ...
But ... but in the OOR for today we find St Therese de Lisieux embracing a Vocation of Love ... and a Love that in turn embraces utter poverty of spirit. I read in Br Lawrence of the Resurrection where he similarly embraces all the pain and humiliation that God in His Grace may deign to send him.
So once again back to the Cross ...
And Gethsemani ...
And Pain and suffering and ...
Accepting my Cross as He accepted His, as Therese accepted hers, as Lawrence accepted his ...
Pain ... breathe in the Pain ... breathe out the Pain ... in ... out ... in ... out ...
O but Lord ...
NO ... NO NO NO NO ... I'm not good at this Pain thing You know ...
NO ... NO I really just can't handle it ...
NO ... please please I miss her so much ...
So much so much so much so much ...
O God ...
But then ...
To me to live is Christ and to die is gain ...
St Paul in Philippians ... OOR again ...
I don't have to do this ... I don't have to be able to do Pain ... I don't have to do anything really ...
Except Die ...
Die daily ... pick up this Q$#WQ%Q#$%!ADFAD!$#@%#^ Cross daily and Die ... to self ... to Live ... in You ...
I who am nothing have nothing can do nothing ... apart from You who are All can do All ...
There is a Yes beyond all the No's even for Job isn't there ...
For all of us ...
You Lord You are All in All. The Alpha and Omega, the Beginning and the End ...
And so ...
With Job ...
I repent in sackcloth and ashes ...
And in the midst of all my No's ... ask You to be my Yes ...
There is no other way ... YOU are my only Hope ...
O Lord ... please be for me everything I cannot be ... which is everything ...
Please Mary Mother of Sorrows pray for me
Please Joseph pray for me
Please St Therese pray for me
Please all angels and saints especially patrons and patronesses of the hopeless ... pray for me.
I love you Jesus ...
Yes to You and You Alone ...
Just for today ...
One day at a time
One hour at a time
One minute at a time
Oh please be my Yes in the midst of all my No ...
I love you Mom and miss you so much ... Jesus I know you will take good care of her ...
Oh God. Yes. Just for today I embrace Your Cross.
Yes.
Charles Delacroix
F of St Therese de Lisieux
Suffering and Salvifici Doloris
One thing that is really just in-your-face brash about Salvifici Doloris is its unequivocal embrace of Suffering as a source of salvation ... at so many levels.
It seems that I, as I feebly seek to Follow Christ, am therefore called ... to thank God for Suffering and to regard the Suffering not only of Christ, but of myself, and even of all, as a Gift; a Grace.
Pope John Paul II distinguishes between (physical) Pain and (psychological) Suffering, at one level; and then raises the complexity of the relationship between the two and the connection between them, that defies any easy distinction between Pain that is a Gift and Pain that is a Curse. No: physical pain, when raised to a certain level, generally overwhelms and may even allay Suffering. Animals, at least those below a certain level of sentience, don't experience the level of consciousness and reflection that is really necessary for Suffering to take place. Suffering is, according to the Pope, one of the markes and signs of our transcendance and humanity, and deserves our genuine thanksgiving.
And both Pain and Suffering are of such humanity that even Christ Our Lord experienced both. And on Calvary, as his physical Pain took on excruciating proportions, He experienced that level of Suffering that He could cry out, "My God, My God, why hast thou Forsaken me?"
And as the Pope says, Suffering evokes that natural cry of, "Why?"
O Lord I know I am weak, I am feeble, and I may not be able to offer thanksgiving for my own suffering ... yet I beseech You to allow me some small recognition of the eternal value of suffering; that is, of the Cross of Christ.
As St Paul says, "Far be it from me to glory, except in the Cross of our Lord Jesus Christ ..."
Amen, Amen.
In Christ,
Charles Delacroix
Eve of the Feast of St Therese de Lisieux
It seems that I, as I feebly seek to Follow Christ, am therefore called ... to thank God for Suffering and to regard the Suffering not only of Christ, but of myself, and even of all, as a Gift; a Grace.
Pope John Paul II distinguishes between (physical) Pain and (psychological) Suffering, at one level; and then raises the complexity of the relationship between the two and the connection between them, that defies any easy distinction between Pain that is a Gift and Pain that is a Curse. No: physical pain, when raised to a certain level, generally overwhelms and may even allay Suffering. Animals, at least those below a certain level of sentience, don't experience the level of consciousness and reflection that is really necessary for Suffering to take place. Suffering is, according to the Pope, one of the markes and signs of our transcendance and humanity, and deserves our genuine thanksgiving.
And both Pain and Suffering are of such humanity that even Christ Our Lord experienced both. And on Calvary, as his physical Pain took on excruciating proportions, He experienced that level of Suffering that He could cry out, "My God, My God, why hast thou Forsaken me?"
And as the Pope says, Suffering evokes that natural cry of, "Why?"
O Lord I know I am weak, I am feeble, and I may not be able to offer thanksgiving for my own suffering ... yet I beseech You to allow me some small recognition of the eternal value of suffering; that is, of the Cross of Christ.
As St Paul says, "Far be it from me to glory, except in the Cross of our Lord Jesus Christ ..."
Amen, Amen.
In Christ,
Charles Delacroix
Eve of the Feast of St Therese de Lisieux
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