O Lord ... this has been a rough day for me ...
I started by doing some "business" ... catching up on some bills. Kept aching and hurting and misplacing checkbooks and pens and stamps and things ... I'm not so great at this kind of thing anyway but seeing Mom's name and working on her bills and her files ... it almost feels like a violation of hte universe ... to work on things that she has been working on all her life ...
I also got an estate-connected threat of legal action ... the "legals" really are something of a mess. And again I'm not so good at "legals." I finally did what I've been putting off for so long ... and called an attorney recommended by a cousin and made an appointment. My cousin, thank God, is a business woman and she'll be going to the meeting with me. She's got great business sense. But oh even talking with her about this felt so like something else of Mom's is coming to a close. Which of course it is. But oh God how it hurts, it hurts ...
I finally decided to go see a movie and saw "The Brave One." I 've seen it before. It's really a wonderful story ... about loss, in many ways, so it really went to my heart. I cried off and on all through the movie, and when the Jodie Foster character lays crying on her fiance's grave, and when she cries and tells his memory that he's left a hole in her ... oh I couldn't even beging to hold it together then, and cried and cried and cried.
I finally got actually sick to my stomach ... which happens sometimes when I'm under enough stress and cry a lot ... but went by Mom's grave again on my way home.
All I want to do right now is say NO so loud that God and all the Host of Heaven can hear it. But of course there is no need to shout. He is here. He can hear a whisper. He can hear a silent thought. He can hear the heart that can't speak because it's broken.
O Lord please ...
But ... but in the OOR for today we find St Therese de Lisieux embracing a Vocation of Love ... and a Love that in turn embraces utter poverty of spirit. I read in Br Lawrence of the Resurrection where he similarly embraces all the pain and humiliation that God in His Grace may deign to send him.
So once again back to the Cross ...
And Gethsemani ...
And Pain and suffering and ...
Accepting my Cross as He accepted His, as Therese accepted hers, as Lawrence accepted his ...
Pain ... breathe in the Pain ... breathe out the Pain ... in ... out ... in ... out ...
O but Lord ...
NO ... NO NO NO NO ... I'm not good at this Pain thing You know ...
NO ... NO I really just can't handle it ...
NO ... please please I miss her so much ...
So much so much so much so much ...
O God ...
But then ...
To me to live is Christ and to die is gain ...
St Paul in Philippians ... OOR again ...
I don't have to do this ... I don't have to be able to do Pain ... I don't have to do anything really ...
Except Die ...
Die daily ... pick up this Q$#WQ%Q#$%!ADFAD!$#@%#^ Cross daily and Die ... to self ... to Live ... in You ...
I who am nothing have nothing can do nothing ... apart from You who are All can do All ...
There is a Yes beyond all the No's even for Job isn't there ...
For all of us ...
You Lord You are All in All. The Alpha and Omega, the Beginning and the End ...
And so ...
With Job ...
I repent in sackcloth and ashes ...
And in the midst of all my No's ... ask You to be my Yes ...
There is no other way ... YOU are my only Hope ...
O Lord ... please be for me everything I cannot be ... which is everything ...
Please Mary Mother of Sorrows pray for me
Please Joseph pray for me
Please St Therese pray for me
Please all angels and saints especially patrons and patronesses of the hopeless ... pray for me.
I love you Jesus ...
Yes to You and You Alone ...
Just for today ...
One day at a time
One hour at a time
One minute at a time
Oh please be my Yes in the midst of all my No ...
I love you Mom and miss you so much ... Jesus I know you will take good care of her ...
Oh God. Yes. Just for today I embrace Your Cross.
Yes.
Charles Delacroix
F of St Therese de Lisieux
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