Getting It Together and Losing It Again

Last night, I went to Church, where I've joined the RCIA Team ... partly as a means of trying to get involved in this reification of the Body of Christ. This was Deacon Jerry's suggestion, and I think he's right as far as it goes. I have almost no friends or family. Can't do much about my poverty regarding family; but getting involved might help alleviate my poverty of friends.

But I really made and effort and think I was fairly relaxed, was able to interact OK, etc. I still felt distant and hollow and basically hopeless. But all the same I was able to "get it together" for the evening.

Then today, early in the afternoon, I began missing Mom horribly. I screamed at the walls of my house (our house) and went to her gravesite and used up most of a box of kleenex really just crying and telling her how very, very, very much I miss her.

I met with Deacon Jerry later in the day, and then went to my Grief Group, and later caught a movie to get my mind off things.

So in a way I lost it, but I got it together. Right? Or ... was it perhaps the reverse ... was acting out a friendliness I didn't feel, and in effect "getting my mind off things" ... was that getting it together? Or losing it? Was getting my mind off Mom violating me ... and her ...? And then when crying uncontrollably at home and at the gravesite ... was I losing it? Or was I getting back to something too precious to dismiss with a spurious and empty activity?

May God have mercy on me ... and you, Mom, always, always, always my mother ...

Love,

Charles Delacroix
Feast of St Francis d'Assisi