"Peace is in the Grave; the Grave holds all things beautiful"

She looked peaceful as she died; and she looked peaceful in her death. Yet I know that her path this past week has been far from peaceful; and her path over the past year has been especially difficult. And indeed her life has had many, many rough spots, to say the least.

Looking at her old pictures ... at this confident, smiling young woman in 1940s Jefferson City; or this good-humored, poised lady in a newspaper photo from the 1960s - accompanying an article from when she was President of the Women's Christian Service Society of Memorial Drive Methodist Church ... and then thinking of her path to the Grave ... leaves me utterly horrified and mystified and confused. Surely it's true that we are born to die; that this life is a "dream-crossed twilight between birth and dying"; that we are, from the very moment we are born, in "preparatio mori." But oh oh oh oh ooooooooooooooooooooo .... something seems so horribly wrong and I don't know what it is here. "The Lord Giveth, and the Lord taketh away; blessed be the Name of the Lord" Yes, yes, yes, Father Job was right. But OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOo ..... the pain ... I don't know what to say ... I'm about to go get my breakfast and I looked at the garage door that won't raise ever again to allow Mom and me to "set a spell" watching the cars go by ... and I think ... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO .... Never again? Never? Never? My mother's tea is still set on teh countet in the kitchen. Her packet of Earl Grey tea is ready to be torn open and the bag dropped. The kettle is on the stove waiting for me to turn on the gas to boil it for her tea. But never again? Never ??? I don't understand I just don't understand. I know, I know, it's not really for me to understand. "What is that to thee? Follow thou Me." Yes Lord yes Lord I will follow but fucking shit I don't know why. But OK I'll fucking Follow. By Your Grace. You'll have to do this one Lord. I just can't do it fucking at all with out You. OK. But please. Help me.

Hail Mary full of Grace
The Lord is with thee
blessed art thou amongst women
and blessed is the Fruit of thy womb
JESUS CHRIST CRUCIFIED ... O Lord let me take up my little Cross and follow You as you carry your very, very, very BIG cross. I can't do it without you I can't. You know. Only you know why. Help me lplease.
Holy Mary Mother of God
pray for us sinners
now and at the hour of our death
Amen