Regrets

I think I previously said that I had no regrets. That's not true. I do have regrets.

Not many specific regrets, to be honest; and not many at all for the past 5 months. On the whole, I feel grateful, very grateful, that God provided for both of us during this very, very difficult period.

Still, I regret not having taken Mom to the Olive Garden for dinner this summer. On her birthday, June 24, I said I would. They wouldn't take reservations and for some reason, we didn't go at the time. Perhaps her health forbade it then. But we agreed to go when we could. And didn't.

And before this 5 months had begun ... at least, before the period of decline began about 11 months ago ... O I do wish I had spent more time with her. And in the past, we more often than not lived together, I living in her home and in her apartments. I am deeply, deeply grateful for this time together. Yet I wonder how many opportunities were lost by my doing other things, perhaps legitimate things, of an individual and personal or professional nature, but other things nonetheless.

In her final time at home, Mom really didn't want those oxygen posts in her nostrils. Was I too strong in encouraging them? And did I give her too much Morphine? Or too little? I followed the Hospice nurse's instructions. Still I wonder. And I regret.

Oh Mom, please, please forgive any way in which I failed you as a son. Oh Mom I love you and miss you so much.