The Unknown

I think one of the hardest things about all this ... meaning what's going on with my Mom, and therefore what's going on with me ... is the Uncertainty. So much is Unknown. So much of me wants to speculate. How much longer? What will she be able to do? How much of her will be left? To be really brutal.

And I just don't know and won't know. I don't even know what the prognosis is or what the doctors plan for the day. Maybe they don't either.

Then again of course really what do I really know about anything anyway? What do I know about what's going to happen to me today or to her or to anyone? "Vous ne savez ni l'heure ni le jour." I can't count the hairs on my head. All I really know is that God sends both sunshine and rain on both the Just and the Unjust. All is in God's Hands Who Alone Knows.

Who was it who spoke of the Unknown sailing into the Unknown? Porphyry? Plotus? There's a lot to that isn't there? The Via Negativa comes close to seeing God as "ganz anders", Wholly Other. Therefore Unknown, Unknowable. Therefore ... says Dionysius, and St John of the Cross ... we can Know Him only to the extent that we surrender Knowledge.

Maybe that's true for Mom as well. I mean, what do I really Know about her? She is my Mother and I have known her for as long as I've been alive. But what have I known about her? Contingencies; acts; deeds; speech. What do these have to do with Mom herself, at her core, in her very inner being that is an Imago of God, an Imago of Mary?

Well, they do have something to do with her of course, they are themselves Images and Imagos and Reflections. But they aren't really her at her very center are they? The Dignity of the Human Person of which the Church speaks goes so far beyond any of these things. By their fruits you shall know them; but of course we have to know the fruits and understand them to really understand their source. The Type reveals the Archetype but that takes interpretation and understanding. In a way that Dionysius and St John of the Cross, the Type conceals the Archetype as much as it Reveals the Archetype.

The nurse just came in and introduced herself. April. She seems so very young. So many of the medical personnel here seem so very young. But very kind and very good. April seems such herself. What a blessing to my Mom; and to me.

But the Unknown. There's so much I would like to know about my Mom that I will never know; at least in this life. And there's so much I'd still like to do with her. We were planning on going to the State Fair together. It's about a month away, and we always have enjoyed going, not for the rides and the fun things to do so much as to see the animals. The rabbits, the chickens, the pigs. Mom would always explain to me the difference between a Bantam rooster and another; and talk about how her mother liked Buff Orfingtons. Now I wonder: will be able to go this years? Or ever again? Will we be able to celebrate Halloween or Thanksgiving or Christmas? Ever again? I don't know.

The Aide just came through. Wanda. Very nice person. Took Mom's blood pressure. A little low, but on the whole OK. God grants us this knowledge, at least. Thank you Lord. I think ... !

But actually isn't everything in this world really on a Need to Know Basis? Why not. Do I really need to know about the State Fair and Christmas and Mom this year? Probably not. What Jesus said to Peter applies to us all doesn't it: "What is that to thee? Follow thou Me."

O God Who Are Present Here and Now, O God who I can only Know through Your Son Jesus Christ, for only in seeing the Son can I see the Father, O Lord Who Know all and Who Know I know nothing except you reveal it to me, please watch over my Mom and me today.

St Bernard de Clairvaux, whose Feast we celebrate today, of your courtesy, pray for me and my Mom.

Hail Mary full of Grace
The Lord is with thee
Blessed art thou amongst women
And blessed is the Fruit of thy womb, Jesus
Holy Mary, Mother of God
Pray for us sinners
Now and at the hour of our death
Amen.