Loneliness and Envy and Whackness

Well, Momma, I'm back from walking the dog.

She's doing better I think ... completed the circuit atop the berm around the basin over by Memorial Drive UMC ... and did OK.

On the way there ... and back ... I kept seeing people ... together: a group of young folks sitting on trucks and cars & shooting the breeze at one house. A man walking with a young child, his son, I guess, on the sidewalk. A couple of dudes sitting over by the basketball court at the school. A family piled into a van. A big family (I guess) watching kids playing.

And oh God ... the old old ache, the old old Loneliness came over me ...

But that's really nothing new is it. The Loneliness the Solitude the Aloneness. The Alone proceeding into the Alone.

Likewise that sense of Disconnect of radical rootlessness. Nothing new.

What is new ... what is so horribly horribly painful since you left Momma ... is that before you were always there. Somewhere. Somewhere in this world. Somewhere there was always one person,. one person who ... who was what? Momma ... yes ... but really the one person who Cared. The one person in this world. O Lord Jesus and Thy Mother and all the Saints ... yes ... this is truly my only family the best family of all really ... but oh who is here for me to give a Coo too. Who to give a foot-rubby-down to. Who to go for walks with like you and I went for walks over in Limberg Forest in Knoxville. Maybe that's what I miss the most. Walking and talking about anything and really nothing and yet because you were there Momma ... it made all the difference.

Now ... now I walk ... and there's no one to say, Listen to that owl or feel that breeze or talk over the houses and flowers we see along the way.

Ah Lord. That's not true. There is You.

Oh Lord. Help me to remember that.

And forgive me ... but O Lord that's still just not the same.

You have and had a Mother. You understand.

But I do not have to truly walk alone do I.

You are with me.

Only You.

Jesu Christus Solus.

Totus Tuus.

Totus Tuus.

Totus Tuus.

Oh Lord

Oh Momma

Oh God

OK ... on my way to see a movie ... probably The Wackness again ... good to just remember that Envy should truly have no place in all this: it's a Wacked world for all of us. The Grass may look greener on the other side ... but that's BS.

I thought of St Dismas. Where is his grave? Who visits and puts flowers there?

No one. In this world.

Everyone. In the next.

O Lord

Just for tonite ... be with me and may St Dismas and Holy Mary and St Vincent and all the Saints be with me as with all ... whether I can see you or no you are with me you are here.

I love you

I love you

Thank you

Charles Delacroix
Sunday 19 in OT