The Desert

It's been a ruff, ruff week. Lots of overwork, lots of under-attention to my diabetes care, and above all, that overwhelming sense of aridity, hopelessness, vapidity ... tasteless, odorless, colorless is life even as spring brings colors and smells and warmth.

There is so much ... so, so, so much ... that seems wrong and dry and lifeless without you here, Momma.

Oh I know ... I know that by God's Grace you must be in a far far far better place where there is no more desert, no more tears, no more loneliness.

But oh it feels so ... so so so so ... arid and lifeless here ... oh Momma ... oh Lord ...

I was drinking milk earlier today ... and thought of way back when as a child I called milk "Gook". You told me this, Momma; you remembered this ... and knew that I was trying to say "Good" because I thought milk tasted good. We remembered this every now and then ... like so many many things. And now you are not here. Who am I to say something as simple as, "Oh this is good ... this is Gook." Only you Momma. Only you and God know ... or would care ...

I saw an article about Libyan Head of State Ghaddafi. His picture makes him look so old. We would have said something about when we lived in Libya, wouldn't we Momma. I still have a picture of then Col. Ghaddafi at the Sebha rally back in ... when? about 1970? Oh Momma. Who else to talk with about such things?

I saw that Charlton Heston died earlier this week. Oh Momma. We would have talked about his passing with great sorrow and gratitude for the movies he's been a part of that have brought us both such joy. Here indeed there are many, many who have been touched by Charlton Heston's life. But Momma: only you would know how you and I have been touched by his work. That is past, gone.

And now it's Saturday night ... at 9:00 ... and the OETA Movie Club is on ... Momma, they're showing Fiddler on the Roof (1971) http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0067093/ ... I remember so well, Momma, when we watched this last together ... it was on OETA a year or so ago I think. And how we talked about this wonderful, wonderful movie. And now you are gone ... and I have no one with whom to talk about this movie ... and how it did and didn't reflect some of the many things your generation grappled with regarding Tradition and Change ...

OK. I know I know ... I know ... at some level ... at the only true level really ... nothing is lost; nothing can be lost; for all things have Value and Truth and Reality in You and You Alone O Lord. History herself is only in You. In You we live and move and have our being. All that is is in You. Nothing that is Not can be in You. Nothing that Is can be lost anymore than You can be lost.

But Oh Lord. In this world ... in this bleak, bleak desert wasteland that is Charles's Here and Now ... in this tiny, tiny wasteland that is Charles ... the arid wind blows and carries with it only a sense of desolation and death and dying.

So what can this be but the Cross of Christ. In this world to be is to be in pain. In this world to be is to be either Following Christ on the Way of the Cross; or not Following Christ, in which case we still walk a Way of Suffering and Death, tho not the Way of the Cross.

Well ... in Charles's Here and Now there is in addition to Desert Nothingness and Desert Absence, Your Presence and Your Being. That I feel the one and not the other doesn't change the
Reality beyond all realities, does it, O Lord. Even in the midst of Your Own Great Devastation, of Your Own Great Desert Loneliness ... when You cried out the words of Job and of Ecclesiastes and of every son of Adam and Eve ... when You cried out My God My God Why Hast Thou Forsaken Me ... even then in the midst of that horror and devastation You Were There. In the Tomb on Holy Saturday, when You Lay Dead, when the very Heart of Jesus lay Dead on the Slab, You Were There. In the midst of pain and suffering and loss and in my little Desert and in the Desert of every man and woman born of Adam and Eve ... You are There.

I do not understand but I don't need to understand. All I know is that there You Were in that Great Devastation; and in every devastation You are There.

So in my own devastation You are Here.

It's the only thing that can make this if not bearable, at least not utterly intractable.

Oh Lord I miss my Momma so much

Oh Lord please of Your Courtesy ... take good care of my good Momma.

I miss you Momma

I love you Momma

I love you Lord Jesus

I love you so much

Thank you for Momma

Thank you for everything

Thank you

I love you ... and even to whatever extent that's true it's true only because of Your Gift of Love

Everything is a Gift.

So ... Thank You Lord Jesus

Now and always

Charles Delacroix
Saturday in the Third Week in Eastertide
Eve of the Fourth Sunday in Easter