Christmas ... and Momma

I spent my Christmas morning at Momma's grave, and really, on the whole, am very very glad. So many, many tears; but it all felt ... I was going to say Right, but of course nothing feels Right with Momma gone. But it felt less Not Right than otherwise.

I took along Chubby bear, and the little pink piggy, and the little blue monkey, and the Christmas penguin ... so Momma was surrounded by the stuffed animals she and I came to love so much. I took along Momma's bunny slippers too ... those "cotton tailed bunnies that aren't hardly worth a nickel" as we joked from time to time. Momma would of course say in due course, "Oh Charles ... you know ... maybe they're worth a nickel ..." Oh Momma what a big, big heart you had ...

I took along the picture of the mother bear and its cub, too. You loved that picture, Momma. So cute ... but of course that's how you always saw motherhood ... and me too ...

I took along two cards. Both are Charlie Brown cards. We both loved Charlie Brown, you see. Well, one card was from last Valentine's Day, although the front of the card, full of seasonal red, really looks like a Christmas card. On the front, though, it pictures Linus with his Blanket and Snoopy, and starts out with the capion, "When I count my blessings ..." ... and on the inside, reads, "I think of you!" It's addressed inside to "Mom!" and is signed by me on behalf of myself and the many loved ones around us:

Love,

Charles Lee
Spookey
Little Blue Monkey
Pink Piggy
Birds
Rabbits
Cotton-Tailed Bunnies Not Worth a Nickel

She liked that card very much, and it's been sitting on top of the piano. So's the 2nd card, which shows Snoopy and Woodstock sitting on top of Snoopy's doghouse. Snoopy has his typewriter out, and has typed out:

"It was a dark
and stormy night,
but Mom was
there, so it
wasn't scary
at all.
The End."

On the inside it shows Snoopy with his arms wide, saying "Thanks for always being there, MOM" and its signed by me and Spooky. I think this card is from last Mother's Day, though it might have been before that one.

I also took a teacup and saucer and set them just in front of her marker, and poured out for her some hot Earl Grey tea that I had brought in a thermos. I drank some tea, and took pictures of Mom's grave with all the animals and cards and tea set out for her. And I cried and cried and cried and took so many pictures.

I said OOR for Christmas this morning and MP from the Office for the Dead as usual. But in OOR, the 2nd Reading, that of Pope St Leo the Great, has our dear sainted Holy Father say that there is no place for Sadness today, on this glorious Feast of the Nativity of Our Lord, the Feast indeed of the Incarnation. Oh yes, dear Holy Father, yes. But oh. Forgive me, Holy Father, ands forgive me, dear Lord Jesus, for the great sorrow I do feel today.

Oh Momma how I miss you. But thank you thank you for the wonderful gift of your time with us ... all too short was that time ... but oh thank you for every minute you gave.

The Christmas Tree looks lovely, Momma. I think you and I would agree that it's the Prettiest Christmas Tree We've Ever Had. Although nothing really looks right without you here Momma. But oh. It has the ornaments you loved on it and I think it looks lovely ... lonely ... but lovely.

I've been listening to Christmas carols on the radio and watched part of It's a Wonderful Life last night on TV and keep thinking, "I'm going to do this if it kills me." It's painful but would be even more painful not to do these things. But Ohhhhhhh Momma ... how I miss you, how I miss sharing these precious, precious things with you. Oh Momma.

I spent yesterday afternoon at Aunt Edna's with our cousins. They were so nice, and so welcoming. I kept thinking about you Momma and I ran to the restroom to cry every now and then but I stayed and took pictures. You would love to see how big Ethan and Andrew are now. I got them a toy plastic earthmover/bulldozer and a toy helicopter and a set of large sized, children's sized, dominoes. They really seemed to like all of these and it was fun to watch Ethan playing with the bulldozer. You would have liked to see them too I know Momma.

I went to see Atonement today, too. What a lovely and moving movie: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0783233/. It's the 2nd time I've seen it in 3 days. It's a beautiful story ... and in so many ways, Momma, it's really about you ... and Dad ... and your generation. How deeply, deeply, deeply grateful I am, Momma, for all you did ... for all your whole generation did ... for all of us.

Oh Momma I miss you so much.

I love you Momma.

I love you so much.

I love you Jesus.

How I do love you and need you O Lord Jesus.

Please please please Lord Jesus ... take good care of my Momma.

O I miss her so.

I love you all so much.

Charles Delacroix
Feast of the Nativity of God