De Futilitate ... yet again ...

I went to see I Am Legend, which just opened today. See http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0480249/ ...

Wonderful movie ... and I couldn't help crying when the Will Smith character's dog, Samantha, died. She was his one and only companion for so long. And then she was gone. And as he drove through the empty streets of post-apocalypse New York, he looks over at the passenger seat ... where his dog used to sit ... and the seat looks so horribly, horribly empty.

Yes ... same with Mom's car. I can drive it and she's not in the passenger seat ... and everything once again seems so utterly, utterly wrong ... wrong wrong wrong ...

And that feeling of futility comes back.

Oh I can do things. But why. What's the point. Momma's gone. My insides have been kicked out. And what's the point really of anything.

O Lord I know you are there. I just don't know why you are there, or why I am here.

During the ice storm, I am very grateful, O Lord, that you enabled me to be able to visit Mom's grave. Just like always: morning and evening. I say OOR & MP in the morning, and EP at night. MP and EP are from the Office for the Dead. And although I feel so horribly alone and feel like nothing matters, for some reason, this seems like the right thing to do. And O Lord even when I am there praying the Office alone before her grave, I know You are there, and in praying the Office I am joining my feeble feeble prayers to those of the whole Church. I am not alone. I am not alone when I pray with the Church, the Prayer of the Church.

And why not. Nothing seems right and there doesn't seem to be anything for me to do now really. Except to pray the Office for the Dead at her grave.

I don't see any reason not to continue to do this for as long as I can. God willing. Why not. It gives me something to do. And it lets me visit you, Momma, even if it's really not the same of course as you being here like before, still, it's something.

But Ohhhhhhh,,. ... Lord Jesus ... I miss her so very, very, very much.

But O Lord thank you so much for the gift that was ... and is ... my Momma.

Thank you Lord so very very much.

And Thank you Momma.

Thank you Momma for everything.

Oh how I miss you.

I love you Momma.

I love you Lord Jesus.

Please please please take good care of my Momma, Jesus.

Charles Delacroix
Feast of St John of the Cross