Going On ... and Futility

One of the constant challenges for me of course is to even find a reason to go on.

My goal remains simply and solely, under Your Providence, O Lord, to seek to respond to Momma's passing with as much integrity and authenticity and honor as I can muster.

Beyond that I see no future. Beyond that everything seems to evoke in me a feeling of "What's the point when Momma's not here?" Beyond that everything seems to say to me "WTF".

I know O Lord that there is a reason for everything.

But O God

O God

De futilitates ... de futilitates ...

Yet ... yet ... this morning at the cemetery felt so good, painful, but good: the breeze felt good, the sunshine was lovely, the dew on the lawn bright in the sunshine, and it was lovely watching God's dewy sunrise while sitting beside your grave Momma.

Even as life seems over and my own days simply a matter of waiting for death ...

Even then I feel such longing and attachment to this life in the Here and Now ... as I think most mortals experience it ... as you experienced it I think Momma ... as you said more than once, regarding your own approaching death, "it's the way things are." Yes. It's the way things are. And in the meantime we mortals, here today and gone tomorrow, like the grass, we mortals enjoy the breeze and the sunshine and a good meal as God in His Mercy and Grace vouchesafes to send us.

Oh God I love you and I don't know anything do I. Except that You are God and You are all that matters.

Oh Holy Mary Mother of Mothers pray for me and my dear departed Momma
Oh Jesus have mercy on my Momma and on me

Oh God

Totus Tuus

I love you and need you and all that I am and think and feel clearly are Yours.

Have mercy God

Thank you God

Thank you