Momma and Disconnection from the Universe

Got that really really really strong sense today of utter disconnection from the universe.

Momma was really my connection to the Universe. I the Object Relations theorists are right, the mother is always the first connection to the Universe, and the primordial vision of the Universe itself, from the beginning, from birth.

No wonder it is through Mary that we come to Jesus.

Nothing really feels connected or quite real. Or perhaps it's the other way around, everything feels real but I don't feel real. Either way nothing feels connected at the moment.

And my feelings have bounced between sheer, bottomless sadness and sheer, bottomless desolation. It's either pain or it's futility; helplessness or hopelessness. Or both.

I went into Warehouse Market to buy some cheese for the dog. And oh God. Oh Momma. It's been so long since I've been in there. We used to go there all the time, together, Momma. I could almost see you there in your wheelchair. I could feel you looking at this and that. We would talk about getting this or that and I would hand you a tomato so you could tell me if it was a nice one or not. And I could almost hear you saying something about getting something a little sweet for your sweet tooth. And we would laugh together and you would get a few candy bars. Oh God. What I wouldn't give to be able to go back to the store with my Momma.

Oh God.

Oh well.

Thy will not mine be done.

Lord hellp me to take up my little Cross daily to Follow You with your big big Cross daily.

One day at a time

One hour at a time

One minute at a time