Like living in Sheol

The reports of the old views of Sheol ... the place of the dead ... give these pictures of a place where there is perpetual melancholy, universal gloom, a place of listlessness, of hopelessness, of helpless, endless sadness and darkness.

The Church teaches that there was in a way perhaps such a place ... Limbo? ... the Place of the Dead from which Christ rescued those there in waiting during His Descent into Hell (Sheol) on Holy Saturday.

But oh Lord that's really so much how everything feels here and now. Like living in Sheol.

I just now finished writing something and posting something of interest to me ... and while writing I managed to forget for a few minutes ... and then I rose to get food for the dog ... and it all comes back, like a punch to the gut, and I'm left looking around on a room without Momma, a house without Momma, a world without Momma. And it all feels gloomy and hopeless and I feel listless and sad beyond sadness. My stomach feels empty, like it's had the air punched out of it. I just shake my head and cry and wonder why oh why oh why.

OK ... Momma ... Lord ... I'm getting out. I have your tea ready Momma. I'm coming. I'll be there in a few minutes. But oh God. It's hard it's hard to do anything. Or to want to do anything.

Oh God.

Oh Momma.

I love you Momma and I miss you so so so so so much.

I saw a picture of a dog ... a funny picture of a good old dog ... and thought, I'll have to say something to Momma bout this ... and you're not here ... and we can't laugh together over this picture of this dog. And I wonder just what is the point of anything then.

Oh God have mercy on me.

Oh God

I love you and I love you and I just wonder why.

Oh God.

Your Will be done.

But Oh God.

Charles Delacroix
Sunday 15 in OT
Eve of the Feast of St Camillus