It hurts, Momma.
It hurts, O Lord.
and what almost hurts as much is the sudden realization that a big part of the pain for me is very probably the result of sheer, unadulterated Envy.
How much of me looks at your life Momma and thinks: that young girl of 18 or 19 in that photo in Jefferson City really did pretty much get what you wanted. At least a big part of what you wanted. You wanted a husband and kids and you wanted to read and travel and sing ... and all these things came to you. You worked hard at achieving your goals. And you did it. You made them. Perhaps not all of them. But you said many times, and especially toward the end, that you had done what you wanted, you got what you sought.
Momma, a few days ago ... well, Saturday ... I visited Grampa Vaughan's grave and those of G-Grampa and G-Granma Martin. Then I stopped on the way back to Tulsa at at movie theater in Bartlesville and enjoyed the movie there. I kept looking at older people in the movie lobby and the shopping mall where it's located ... and I wondered if any of them knew my father or my grandfather or my g-grandparents. I kept looking at the younger ... not much younger ... people and wondering if we're related. Could well be. I was looking at my genealogy records last night and what an enormous family the Martins had. And Grampa Vaughan, as far as I know, got what he set out to do. N
ot to say that all these haven't had problems. I keep thinking ... about your passing, Momma, but hell, about life in general ... how do people do it? How do they handle ... things?
I don't know. I don't know. By Your Grace surely O Lord.
I hurt and hurt and hurt not only for your loss Momma but for the loss of ... everything. I have no family, no children, haven't gotten much of anything I can think of that particularly speaks to my heart. I Envy you Momma. I envy you world.
But really when I think about it ... hey ... I was married once ... not for long, to be sure, but at least I was granted something of a taste of this extraordinary human experience. I got to travel. I wanted to achieve dual licensure as both a clinical social worker and as an alcohol/drug counselor. Both came to pass and I'm working in the field even now. I'm not by any stretch of the imagination super good at what I do, but I'm not so bad, either. Alas I have no wife now and no friends. But I've been granted the privilege of meeting and spending some time with some extraordinary folks. And I've been granted the privilege of getting to talk with and spend a little time with my aunt, your dear sister, Momma, and one of her daughters. I may have diabetes, and don't control it all that well, but I sure don't go hungry, either. At the moment I have use of my hands and arms and legs and get around OK. Many can't say as much.
All in all ... I guess I really have a lot to be Grateful for.
Oh Momma I miss you so so so so so much. Thank you O Lord for the privilege of my Momma. Thank you Momma.
Thank you God for everything.
Charles Delacroix
Eve of the Feast of St Martha
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment