I just don't know ..

... how people do it ...

I saw Differently, Maybe http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0832266/ yesterday, and Spiderwick Chronicles http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0416236/ today, and Jumper http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0489099/ 2 days ago on Thursday night ... Valentine's Day ... and in all of these things like Family and Memory and Motherhood and Fatherhood and the Past and People in the Past ... all of these just seem to crowd into me and I'm left feeling what ... Bereft and Grateful and Wondering ... Wondering How People Do It ... how do people survive such enormous losses ... and survive ... and grieve ... and somehow find some reason to go on .... it's just amazing, amazing, amazing to me ... O God what amazing, wonderful people You have made ... how wondrous are the Sons and Daughters of Adam and Eve ...

And me? How do I go on? I .... I just don't see how really ... O Lord ... I'm here and won't leave till You will of course ... strange though ... life feels pointless and futile, and death feels pointless and futile ... so what is there for me to do? But just ... go on ... one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time ... until that day and that hour and that minute that You in Your Grace decide to Call me from this world ... till then ... I walk and talk and eat and sleep and ... well ... I'll just keep on ... Momma you would want it no other way ... but O ... O O O O Momma ... how I miss you ... and can't find much to do with you not here ... and can't find much point in doing anything with you not here ...

Except indeed to work and work through the estate process with love and integrity and honor and hope that I can stay here in your home, our home, for the only thing worse than looking over at your chair and not seeing you there, is not looking over at the chair and not seeing you there ...

Besides ... I did promise you, Momma, didn't I, that I would take good care of Spooky ... :-) ... but O Momma ... we both, me and Spooky, we both miss you so so so so much ... I do take good care of her ... I need to get her some more dogfood, probably tomorrow ... but Momma I keep her well fed and she has plenty of water and I pet her and talk to her and we go for walks we do ... but Oh Momma nothing here is the same without you ... and me and Spooky ... we do miss you so.

Oh Momma ... what a rainy, rainy, dreary Saturday this is ... you wouldn't like the weather ... you would want to be inside, warm, dry, with a cup of tea beside your chair ... but ... but your chair is empty of you Momma ... oh Momma ... I miss you so so so so much ....

I love you Momma

I love you Lord Jesus

O Please pleaes please please please Lord Jesus

Take good care of my good Momma

I love you all

Thank you thank you thank you ... for Momma ... for everything

Charles Delacroix
Eve of the 2nd Sunday in Lent