Oh Momma I miss you so so so so so much ... and Momma, I guess one of the things I really hold close to me is that this Missing You just cannot be me but really is the whold world.
Oh I know, I know ... you and I, dear Momma, are plain, plain folks with zero fame in this world ...
But what really speaks to my heart is that fame is irrelevant the what matters ... the whole world, the whole universe is deeply wounded by Adam's Sin. We are all, all affected. There is no exception. That the Second Adam has begun the backward steps of Adam's fateful dance doesn't change the gash across the face of humanity that is Adam's Wound. The Wound in the Side of Christ on the Cross is indeed healing the Wound of Adam in each of us; but until the Fullness of Time, each of us suffers from the Original Wound ... and Following Your Way of the Cross, O Lord, is Our Following the Way of Suffering of Adam, as well as Following the Way of Your Suffering, O Second Adam.
Everything matters ... and nothing matters ... that's what your passing from this world is teaching me, Momma ...
That sense of utter desolation in the core of my sould ... that sense of arid, bleakness stretching out horribly all around me ... that sense of Futility ... there's something True about that sense. For nothing, but nothing, but nothing really matters at all ... except You, Lord Jesus.
At the same time, in You, all things matter. Momma, I look at your little bluebird salt and shaker on the sill ... and I look at your little "booly booly booly" cushion in your chair ... and I look at your headstone ... and I look at your little hat ... and i look at your old Bible ... and I look at your pictures ... and I think of you standing over half a century ago, in that picture of you in Winter in Columbia in ca 1947 ... looking back over your shoulder, a young wife full of hope and dreams for the future ... all these fill me with enormous sense of sadness, of loss, because they are, in this world, no more ... but they all matter, every single one of these things matters, and their very loss therefore matters. And makes me think ... as Antiques Road Show makes me think ... of the zillion zillion zillion things in this world that matter to so many Sons and Daughters of Adam and Eve. And they all matter, they all all all matter. And their loss matters.
Therefore I do well to grieve and to cry and to weep for what is lost ... while celebrating that they were ever here at all, that you were ever here at all, Momma, and Lord Jesus, and Father Adam, and Mother Eve, and all men & women who have ever walked the face of this old world. What an amazing gift of Grace that I should even be allowed to be here amid the immortals ... for every Son of Adam and Daughter of Eve is Immortal in You O Lord ... what Grace ... what Gift ...
I turned on TV and there was a program about research at the South Pole. The program showed penguins and fish and submarine creatures being studied ... and O O O O O ... Momma were you here how we would both love talking about this together ... you so loved little animals and little fishies and penguins and pictures of sea life like this ... but you are not here ... or if you are not in any sense that we can enjoy this together ... that is a Loss, an enormous loss, an eternal loss of eternal magnitude, because as small as this thing may seem at one level, at another level, it's connected with you and me and all Sons and Daughters of Adam and Eve, in a universe in the process of being Redeemed by the True God and True Man, the Second Adam, through the Second Eve ... and it matters. Everything matters. There is nothing that is that does not matter.
Oh but God without you ... and without Momma ... without all Mommas, all Poppas, all Sons & Daughters of Adam & Eve ... without all these the world is indeed horribly horribly wounded, crippled, rendered desolate and hopeless and alone ... without You O Lord, without Your Redemptive Love, this feeling of desolation and futility and bleakness is utterly utterly accurate. I should be feeling this way. I would not be feeling otherwise for all the treasure in the world. Because Grieving, like Longing, like Sehnsucht, is the soul's response to God's Cry of Love, His cri de coeur, from the Cross, "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do." You're right, Lord Jesus, we don't know, I don't know ... hell I don't know shit. You alone, You alone can render the futile meaningful, the desolate fruitful, the bleak enlightened, the dead alive.
Looking back I know this doesn't make much sense. Not even to me and I wrote it. That's OK though IMHO. O Lord, You understand. O Momma, you understand.
Nothing else really matters. Except of course that everything everthing everything matters.
What a paradox is life.
O Lord Jesus Christ in Your Time and Your Way may all things be restored in You.
I love you Lord Jesus
I love you Momma
O Lord Jesus
Please please please please please
Take good care of my good Momma please
I love you
Charles Delacroix
Tuesday in the First Week of Lent
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment