C.S. Lewis "Grief Observed"

I am really so very very grateful for the last months and days and hours together especially for my mother and I. Yet perhaps just because this period was so intense and so very very precious, the Mouring afterward has been so very, very difficult.

A friend reminded me of CS Lewis' A Grief Observed. I love all things Lewis, and read this several times over the years, but at his instance, I picked it up again on Friday and Saturday and today and read from it while at Mom's grave each day.

It's certainly a harrowing account. But then Grief is harrowing. And so is life isn't it.

But Lewis's descriptions of feeling like walking in a fog, the fear-like burning in the pit of the stomach, the white-hot jabs of memory, the sudden bursts of tears and wailing - it's all there. And all here. It's good at least to know that what I'm going through is something that we all as humans go through and is as such a gift of God even if it doesn't necessarily feel that way at the time.

You know, back when my father died, I think I spent the next two weeks in more or less non-stop acting out. Lots of alcohol and lots of sex. That's how I dealt with pain back then.

Now by God's grace alone I am given the opportunity to as they say "walk through my pain".

It's horrible at one level but then of course the Cross of Christ is horrible at one level. At another level what an incredible gift to be allowed to mourn for the loss of one of God's creatures and what an extraordinary gift to be allowed to Follow Christ, to wobble along with my little cross as He goes before Bearing His Great Cross.

Oh Lord by Your Grace please help me as I struggle to Follow You ... on this Way of the Cross ...