Slowly, Slowly, Slowly ...

This morning, when I went to see Mom, I felt ... well, depressed, tired ... but also felt some relief with the strong sense from last night that really ... *really* ... all I have to really do is: Die. I tend to think in terms of what I "should" do ... and that whatever I "should" do I should do ASAP. That's nonsense, though. Only death and taxes are inevitable according to popular wisdom. And given Grampa's managing to avoid federal income taxes all his life, I'm not sure that even taxes are absolutely inevitable. But Death is.

So ... all I really have to do is Die. And that I think I can manage some day. Today or later. By God's Grace.

I phoned the attorney today and cancelled our appointment today. This was the appointment to go over the steps for probating Mom's will. I didn't make a new appointment. I just plain wasn't ready. I know it's got to be done. But ... not yet ...

I did make some Earl Grey tea for the first time since Mom died. I left her teacup and Earl Grey packet in place on her side table: I'm not up to disturbing that yet. But I made some Earl Grey tea in a styrofoam cup, took it with me to her grave, and spilled a little tea on her grave, as I have already done with some coffee. Yesterday, I finally made some chili/beans on the stove for the first time since her death; and opened a container of ketchup that we both got just before her death. These all felt right but also felt very, very sad ... since this is another part of her I'm ceding away.

I thought about how really God has been very good to me in preparing me even when I didn't realize it. I've prayed and walked and worked in graveyards for years. And even when driving to her grave, I thought that really the feeling of going to see her was very, very like the feeling when I was driving to see her in her Nursing Home / Rehab 5 months ago.

Tonite I mowed the grass out front. Didn't know why, can't really think of why I should do much of anything. But I mowed the lawn anyway.

One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time ...

Oh Mom I miss you so ...

Hail Mary
Full of Grace
The Lord is With Thee
Blessed art Thou amongst Women
And Blessed is the Fruit of thy womb Jesus
Holy Mary
Mother of God
Pray for us sinners
Now and at the hour
of our death
Amen.

Love in Christ,

Charles Delacroix
Tuesday of 22nd Week in Ordinary Time