[I wrote this last night when I was out of town at a professional conference]
I woke up this morning feeling so horribly, horribly alone. Again.
That sense of hopelessness, of denouement, of finishing up, of mopping up …
I thought about work in this regard.
I just need really to focus on work as being part of my denouement. Do what I can to help, do “the thing,” really just “do it” … Momma you would understand.
Focus on “the basics”. The basics in my case mean (a) good self-care; (b) try not to get too attached to anything; (c) focus on helping out to whatever extent I can within those parameters.
Actually that might be the best thing anyway from the point of view of trying to do the best job I can given my very real “intractabilities.”
And from a self-care standpoint: for the rest of this conference, I just need to keep good emotional boundaries, don’t try too hard, and just do the thing. Talk with a few folks and ask them how they’re doing, and maybe say something supportive for *them.* Hell, we’ve all got problems, and there’s not going to be any counselors here that couldn’t use a hand shake or a simple supportive smile or greeting.
Well it’s 7:30. Time for heading over to the conference. Hmm. Continental breakfast 7:30-8:30; and the plenary starts at 8:30.
Oh Momma … God I remember how you and me and sister used to love continental breakfasts in Europe …
Oh Momma how I miss you …
I miss you so so so so so so so so much …
I love you and I miss you
Oh Jesus please please please please take good care of my good Momma
What wonderful Psalms this morning in OOR & MP … wonderful reminders that here we have no lasting place indeed … and here my bones are crushed and broken … and therefore it seems … all is as it should be …
In a way … in another way O Lord everything is wrong … wrong without my Momma here …
Oh my.
But O God. Thy Will Be Done.
Thy Will Be Done.
God have mercy on me and my Momma
God save my Momma’s sister and her family
God oh God oh God
I love you God I love you Momma
Oh God
Charles Delacroix
Feast of St Casimir
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