Denouement, Sadness, and Gratitude

It's such a beautiful Saturday, here, Momma ... the temperature and weather are downright balmy, springlike. You would love this kind of weather, Momma. Oh how you loved Spring. And Spring is almost here, really. Today is March 1 ... Spring "officially" starts when, March 21? Or is it March 22? Something like that.

Of course Spring without you here, Momma, will be Wrong ... but it will still be Spring. A time of Sadness and of Gratitude and Missing You. But still it will be Spring. Why it should be Spring I do not know. But I know that as God's Providence decrees, so will it be. As you said when you were dying and I was crying out that I didn't know how I would make it without you ... you said, "It's the way things are."

You were right of course. You are right. Oh God. I just don't really know how anyone anywhere makes it through these things. But they do. And so it seems do I. Make it that is. For "it's the way things are." They may be Wrong. But that's not the point. It's the Way Things Are.

The dog and I went for a "walky walky" down at Woodward Park. There were lots of people there. It was delightful ... and painful ... for of course it's all Wrong ... when you are not here. But it's still nice. It's the Way Things Are. Oh I missed you so much ... you ought to be there with us Momma. Oh well. It's the Way Things Are.

I saw a remarkable movie today. In Bruges (2008), just opened here yesterday. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0780536/. I'm still thinking it over. But really ... really I think what it says to me is Denouement. Two men go to Bruges in order to Wait. They don't know what they are Waiting for. And it turns out that they are Waiting for their own Deaths. Their life in Bruges is a life of Waiting for Death. It is a life that is Denouement. That reminded me of course of that strong, strong, constant sense ... a year ago and more ... that my life, bound gladly to yours, Momma, was a life of Denouement. Denouement that you and I played out to the very, very end. To the bitter end.

And now ... what is my life? Here-and-Now, that is? Well ... really ... Denouement.

I live here in my own Bruges and there are remarkable things there, really, and even if I wish, like the characters in In Bruges, that I were somewhere else ... living Life rather than living a Denouement and waiting for Death ... well, though, the reality is the reality: "It's the way things are."

There's so much indeed to be sad about while Waiting for Death. Losing you, Momma, is quite simply the most devastating catastrophe ever, for me, in my Hear-and-Now. Losing Buckley is a very, very great loss to me as to so many. Losing my marriage, my health, my ... family. These are very great losses. Denouement is partly about mourning those losses, isn't it? And mourn I do. Oh how I miss you Momma. H0w I miss ... everything. Everything.

Yet at the same time it's almost impossible not to simultaneously feel a deep, deep sense of Gratitude.

Gratitude Momma that you were my Momma ... gratitude for all the many, many, many, many things you have given me.

Gratitude for Buckley and his many gifts

Gratitude for ... yes, even, in a way, for Dad. For his gifts. And such as they were, they were gifts.

Gratitude for my marriage. Lost indeed. But oh what a gift to be allowed to experience this wonderful thing for even so short a time.

Gratitude for work and play and for Spooky and for everything, everything.

In In Bruges, there seems to be a sense of history everywhere. And a sense of the connection of History Past with the Here-and-Now of History Present. Awkward, jagged connections. But those connections are undeniable. And O Lord how Grateful I am for all those who have gone before; for the History of the Church even when Post-Christian Bruges, like Post-Christian Europe, seems most distant from her own History. O how Grateful I am for everyone and everything ... and for the sheer privilege of my being allowed to take a few steps for a few days and few years in this old world ... before I too wither away and join History Past.

History ... History Present in the Here-and-Now ... History Past in the There-and-Then ... to be allowed admission to this History ... as the old Greek Chorus cried out, "Of Your Courtesty, admit me to this History" ... what Grace and Courtesy that little Charles Delacroix should be allowed admission to this History indeed.

To *this* History. Oh there are so many, many, many things I wish were different; there are so many, many, many ways in which I wish this History were different.

But really ... these days ... it's *this* History for which I feel Gratitude. This History ... this Here-and-Now and that There-and-Then. This History ... the one of which Momma you rightly said "It's the Way Things Are".

What do I know. I mean really. Little more ... probably much less ... than the characters In Bruges ... and so what? All may seem Futile ... my own plodding through my long days in Denouement may seem Futile ... but This History is Your History O God. And therefore like Father Job I bow my head, even as I weep, and repent in dust and ashes and acknowledge that all that is is Yours. Today ... Here-and-Now ... and There-and-Then ... "it's the Way Things Are" ... and as my life winds on down through this Historical Denouement that is mine, I feel great sadness indeed, but also great, great Gratitude O Lord for the gift of my short life, and for this Historical Denouement that is The Way Things Are.

Oh my. Oh me. Oh Momma how I miss you.

Oh Lord Jesus of Your Courtesy please please please please pleasee take good care of my Momma

Thank You Lord Jesus ... for everything

Thank you Momma ... for only slightly less than everything.

Thank you all.

I love you and thank you.

Charles Delacroix
Eve of the 4th Week in Lent