Friday Night without Mom

I worked some on updating my resume, and then went to see Mom. Evening Prayer from the Office for the Dead, as usual. Tears not as heavily flowing as usual. I told Mom that I would go get the dog and we would come back to visit.

I picked up the dog and we returned to see Mom. Every now and then someone asks if Spooky (Mom's dog) realizes she's gone; or if she realizes that Mom is there when we visit the gravesite. Honestly, I don't see signs of this; but what do I know? I know that Mom raised Spooky from being a pup; Spooky is now about ... how old? 10? 11? 12? More? And in that time they have delighted in each other's company like no one else I know.

I also know that Mom was very, very moved ... as was I ... by scenes from either a movie or a TV special called (I think?) Blackfriar's Bobby. Or was it the movie Benji? A dog that is a little black Scotty stays on his owner's grave after the owner is dead and buried. Very, very moving.

So I take Spooky to Mom's grave every now and then. Truth be told, maybe I'm the one who's more like that little Scotty on Mom's grave. Oh how I miss her. O God. Have mercy on me. Have mercy on Spooky. And of Thy Great Mercy have tender love and mercy for my dear Momma.

I mowed the back yard tonite ... and again kept looking at the back door. It's all glass ... and Mom would sit there, in her little alcove, watching me mow the yard. I would look over at her. she would wave at me. I would wave back. And if I saw a little frog ... a "peeper" she called it ... I would run over and point it out to her and we would talk about it. She liked peepers. So did I.

She's not there now. I look and she's not there. I don't even know why I'm mowing the yard. Maybe I'm hoping I'll look over and she'll be there. But she's not. She's gone.

Oh God have mercy on me.

And Mom ... wherever you are ... perhaps you are here and see me even if I can't see you ... O Mom ... please pray for me ...

This morning's OOR I took the 2nd Reading from the Feast of the Jesuit Martyrs of North America ... St Isaac Joques, etc. ... who prayed to God for the grace of Martyrdom and committed himself never to refuse this great gift should God offer it to him. O Lord I wish I had the grace and strength of the good Jesuit martyrs. Yet to whatever extent my sufferings here and now may fill up what is lacking in Your Sufferings, to whatever extent my sufferings may be a kind of Martyrdom of Bereavement, I beg You of Your Love and Courtesy to help me do what I cannot do and accept from me what only you can enable me to lift up to You.

I love you Jesus. Now and always.

And O please take good care of my Momma.

Love to you both,

Charles Delacroix
F of St Isaac Joques & Cos.
F of St Paul of the Cross