Mom's Love Lost ...

I do miss Mom so very much ... for so many, many, many things ...

But I suddenly realized ... today ... that it's not just her I miss so much ...

It's her love ...

Momma's Love ...

I loved to hear her say "I love you."

I loved to say to her "I love you"

We said things like this a lot to each other ... especially in the last half year or year before her death. I guess she knew what direction things were going. And I know I feared enormously what direction things were going.

Toward the end, I would say, "Momma ... I love you so much ..." and then run into the restroom to cry.

She was fond of saying ... especially toward the end ... "I have always loved you," and "You are what's made this journey of life worthwhile in many ways" and "You will always be my son, and I will always be your mother," and "I have always been so proud of you."

That last never, every failed to send a feeling that is just impossible to describe through me. Mom proud of me. In a way, it was for me the voice of the Universe saying "You're OK."

All in all ... Mom's love was unconditional love.

And now she's gone.

She's gone.

And no one in the Universe can I find unconditional love ... or even conditional love. Alone indeed.

And yes God is the real source of all unconditional love ... God is Love. God is Unconditional Love. All human Love is a Ikon of God's Love.

But oh ... Ikon indeed ... there's just nothing like hearing her say, "I love you."

There is no one else to say that to me. No one.

No one?

I have some online Catholic colleagues who say ... and I do too ... "Love" to each other. But this is Agape Love. The best love of course. But ... but ... but ... I am mortal, human, and a human love has been my sustenance in so many ways ... and now .. now that's gone.

My cousins, at the funeral, said "I love you." I did too. But it's the kind of "love" that is said at funerals. Honest and true and good as far as it goes. But ... also sort of formal, really. The kind of thing said at a family reunion, I think, between very distant family members.

My sister said "I love you" in an email. I said the same thing back. But we've been long estranged and our interactions have been brief and tentative and really rather formal. Mom's death has resulted in more interactions between us within the past month or two than since the great "split" ... that was (I think) roughly 30 or so years ago. And perhaps not unnaturally our interactions within the past month or so have been either formalistic or business-related.

So ... so what?

So loss of Mom's Love, in the Here and Now, has been, let's face it, a devastating loss in the Here and Now.

Oh God. Oh Momma. Ohhhhhhhhhhhh it hurts so much ....

Oh God.

Oh God.

Oh well ... O My God ...

So it's over ...

oh God.

Please love me, although I don't know what that even means right now, but oh love me with something of Mom's Love that You may Find Good and may Find rightly Reflects the True Love that is You, Or Lord.

I love you God even though I don't know why or how or what that even means, but hope and pray in You that you give me the love I don't know how to do have or do in even saying the words "I love you God"

Otherwise ... it's all over here for me ... and oh how that hurts ... I know O Lord this may be Your Will for my Way of the Cross ... maybe for all of our Way of the Cross at some time in some way .... but Oh Lord it hurts ...

Thy will be done.

Charles Delacroix
Feast of St Bruno