St Augustine is Right

For about the past week, the Office of Readings has been giving us for a 2nd Reading excerpts from a letter of St Augustine to Proba. And what a wonderful gift this has been. And for that matter what a wonderful gift St Augustine is.

The burden of what he's been saying, if I'm interpreting him aright, is, frankly, we don't know sh*t.

OK, he says this much, much better, but that's how I'm reading him.

St Augustine says that we don't really know what to pray for. We do have desires and wants and these are all connected with God, who is our only true Happiness. He says this again and again. And only a well-ordered desire can give rise to a right prayer for fulfillment of that desire. But since we don't, beyond our sheer wanting, know what to pray for, the Holy Spirit must help us in our weakness (Romans cap 8).

He makes clear that there's really nothing at all wrong with praying very naturally, and asking for what seems plainly and naturally desirable: such as our daily bread.

But in all our prayers we must, as does Jesus in the Garden, append "yet not as I will but as Thou Wilt."

And if we pray for something, and the opposite happens, it an only signify that God knows better than our prayer. A prayer for prosperity will not be granted if prosperity could mean our ruin; or God may answer, but send the truest prosperity that does not fade or flicker or rust in the evening of our sojourn in this vale of tears.

Oh but how hard it is. How hard it is. And thank God Himself, St Augustine, following Our Lord Jesus Christ in His Sacred Humanity, that this much at least is acknowledged.

I have sitting beside me copies of two professional journals, the Catholic Social Science Review and Suicide and Life-Threatening Behavior. Both just came in the mail. And both initially intrigued me ... as is normal ... and the CSSR especially I know will simply be a delight and pleasure to read if I open it up. It always is. But I haven't opened it. I looked at it and then suddenly remembered Mom. And everything suddenly seemed bathed yet again in the grey mist of futility again and I think, "what's the point?"

But the desire, that interest, in these journals are "normal" for me. I would not have felt this at all a month ago. Now I do. And the question looms up, is this the way it's going to be? I'll slowly "regain" my old interests, and I'll "move forward" ... leaving Mom behind?

God how I hate ... *hate* .... that phrase, "move forward". Move forward why? Move forward where? Move forward without Momma? WTF?

But is that what's going to happen? Would Aeneas bear Anchises from burning Troy, bury him in Sicily, and then ... forget? Or remembering as one remembers an old place or old acquaintance that is long gone and rarely remembered or thought of?

I just can't even bear the thought of this kind of "moving forward" even though ... when I think about it ... I guess this is in fact what we humans do.

And that being the case, why not despair of this life?

Horror before me and horror behind me.

Lord Jesus Christ ... please be my light in the darkness
Be with me.
Be with me here and now.
Thy Will not Mine be done.
Bear the weight of this Cross that I cannot bear
And please O Please O please ...
take good care of my Momma, please please please

How I miss you Momma.

God take good care of her.

Hail Mary full of grace
the Lord is with thee
Blessed art thou amongst women
And blessed is the fruit of thy womb
Jesus
Holy Mary Mother of God
Pray for us sinners
now and at the hour of our death
Amen.

Sacred Heart of Jesus, on this Friday in Ordinary Time, have mercy on us.

Charles Delacroix
Friday of the 29th Week of Ordinary Time