Missing Mom ... Missing Her Love and Affection

It's morning ...

And mornings are still the worst time ...

Or are they the best time ... because I can feel the loss ... and at least feeling the loss, the emptiness, the desolation, the horrible loneliness and pointlessness ... at least these bring me close to her absence even if I can no longer be close to her presence ...

At least not in the same way ... but like MacDuff I cannot help but remember those things that are most precious to me.

Most precious I have to admit is the Affection. There were so many, many ways in which we both expressed our affection, our love. This was not a mother who didn't say she loved her son. She did: often, in words and actions. I too I think ... I told her I loved her in words, many times, and very very often I think in actions.

Every morning either I would awake first, or she would ... and I would say Good Morning Momma ... or I would say "Gushen Morgan" ... a very old and very probably very badly mispronounced remembrance of many, many years ago when Momma had, while trying to learn a little German, told us that "Gushen Morgan" (or something like that!) was German for Good Morning. And ever since, every now and then, I'd say "Gushen Morgan, Momma," and she'd smile. Part of our old, our very old, way of starting out mornings.

She almost always said to me, "Good morning my son." How I loved to hear those simple words. How I miss them now. O God. By Your Grace may those unspoken words be spoken silently, at least, each morning, by my Momma, if it be according to Your will, and hers; perhaps by not only my Mom but by Our Blessed Lady, Our True Mother on Earth, and in Heaven, Mary Most Holy, the Mother of Mothers.

Momma often told me how proud she was of me. And how I loved to hear her say this. I often told her how grateful I was that she was my Mom - or my Momma, my "Mummsy" I sometimes said: "My very own Mummsy" ... and she would smile affectionately when I said this.
One of the things she said most often, in the months at least toward the end .... was "You will always be my son, and I will always be your mother." She said this with such love, her eyes shining, a small but infinitely tender smile on her lips. How I loved to hear her say this.

And so many things like this ... and now ... and now ... it is time ...

It is about 5:40 AM here and now ...

It was about 5:45 AM when she died ... there and then ...

August 22 ... Feast of the Queenship of Mary ...

I am, here and now, sitting on the sofa, only a few feet from where her deathbed stood ... there and then ...

O God how I miss her. Momma! Momma!

I can see the chair in which she sat so many times when she spoke her words of love and affection to me ... her chair only about 10 feet away from where I sit now ...

I can see the little alcove in which she sat looking out at the back yard ... watching the dog ... and the rabbits ... the beautiful flowers and green grass and bushes ... and blue sky ... she would sit watching me mow the grass and I would look over at her watching me and she would smile and wave her hand ... and I would smile and wave back as I mowed ...

Her teacup is still sitting there ... the cup now empty ... but the cup from which she would sip her nice hot tea ...

And now it is 5:46 AM here ... and she is gone ... gone ... and I am sitting here without her ... and I know she is as I hope in a far, far better place ... but O God how I miss her ... O Mom if you can hear me ... Gushen Morgan ... I love you ... I will always love you ... and I will always be your son ... and you will always be my Mother ... and I and the dog, we miss you so much ...

Here and Now there is such emptiness ...

Here and Now there is such loneliness ...

Here and Now there is such desolation and dankness and darkness and horror ...

Here and Now there are such memories ...

Here and Now there is such gratitude ...

Here and Now there is such pain ...

Here and Now there is such thankfulness ...

Thank You O God ... for my Momma ...

Here and Now I thank You for allowing me a time on this earth with her ...

Here and Now I thank You for even the pain and suffering ...

Here and Now I thank You for her ...

Here and Now I thank You for allowign me a small share in Your infinite suffering ...

Here and Now I thank You for some small place in the suffering of Your Sorrowful Mother

Here and Now I thank You for some small place in Your Sufferings as True Man ....

Here and Now I thank You for some small place in Your Sufferings O Man of Sorrows ...

Here and Now I thank You for my Mother and Your Mother ...

O God it hurts ... it hurts ... it hurts ...

Here and Now I breathe in the Pain ... I breathe out the Pain ...

Here and Now ... in and out ... in and out ... O Lord and God ... my brother my friend my all ...

Here and Now ... I thank You for the privilege of being here with her for a short while ...

Here and Now ... I thank You for this Gethsemani ...

Here and Now .... I think You for allowing me this place in Your Dead Heart ... in the Tomb ...

Here and Now I thank You for You Here Present in this Holy Saturday ...

Here and Now I thank You and I love you My Lord and My God ...

Here and Now I beg You by Your Own Love to take good care of my Momma ...

Here and Now wiht You Here and Now O God my God my Jesus ...

Here and Now all is Love ... and Pain ... and Love ... and Suffering ...

Here and Now all is You my God ...

Here and Now God ...

Charles Delacroix
F of Ss Margaret Mary & Hedwig