Two Months since Mom Died

Today is the 2 month anniversary of Mom's death on August 22 ... the Feast of the Queenship of Mary.

Here in Tulsa there's a steady, cold rain falling under steel grey skies. To me this is very welcome weather for such a day. Heaven weeps ... and I do not weep alone.

When I visited Mom's grave this morning, the rain had let up into a light sprinkle, so that I could walk up to give her my morning "coo" ... as we both called the kiss on her cheek that was almost always a start of the day. Now I kiss my finger tips, and press them against the cold bronze of the temporary grave marker ... and that must suffice as my "coo" now. But I hope and pray that Mom receives my "coo's" at a deeper level now ... as indeed I think she always did in the past. And she has the love and kisses of God and all the angels and saints, as I hope, for all eternity. The Holy Spirit is named by the Fathers of the Church the Kiss of God. O Holy Spirit, bear my kisses to my dear mother now and always.

The rain picked up fairly quickly, so I sprinted back to my truck, and parked it on the drive in a place that I could see Mom's grave. Then I idled the truck to heat it up a bit, and then, turning it off, said morning Office - Office of Readings (OOR) from Ordinary Time, and Morning Prayer (MP) from the Office for the Dead. I didn't get much sleep last night and kept dozing off; but then I'd wake back up and pick up my prayers by God's Grace. The sound of the rain beating down on the roof of the cab of my truck was really very soothing. The cemetery was otherwise very quiet, very wet, very cold.

I kept thinking of things ... the verse in the Sermon on the Mount where it says that the rain falls on the just and the unjust. The rain beating down reminds me of how truly connected we all are. All of us. And reminds me that in suffering we are all connected as well ... through the World of Suffering of Salvifici Doloris.

Martin Buber in his I and Thou very wisely said of God, "Neither is this Thou; this also is Thou." Yes. But this isn't enough for me now. Likewise it's said by those on the Via Negativa "Gott ist Ganz Anders": "God is wholly Other." Yes. But this doesn't work for me either. Not now.

Now, O Lord, I follow the many who have trod, or crawled along, the Via Positiva. She is here; in the grave; and she is not here, but with You, as I hope. But she is here in a way that she is nowhere else. For her body is here. Here in the Grave. Whether or not Peace is in the Grave, Mom's body is in her grave. Here and now. Awaiting, as I hope, the Resurrection. For she is Body and Soul, as are we all; and her death was, if nothing else, such as cosmic violation of that basic unity that God Himself wept at the Tomb of Lazarus, and chose this violation as the fundamental means by which Christ began treading backwards the fatal dance of Adam.

Yes. She is here. And she is dead. Her soul, I hope. lives elsewhere. But she is dead. Her body is dead and dissolves here below, in the Here and Now of the Vale of Death that is our pilgrim home. Her body ... like all bodies ... lies in the Tomb with the Dead Body of Christ in the Holy Saturday that is the history of our Here and Now.

Oh Momma how I miss you ... I miss you so much ... I made you Earl Grey tea this morning, but will have to bring it to you a little later. Oh I love you and I miss you ... oh oh oh ... and oh please Jesus ... Man of Sorrows ... and Mary ... Our Lady of Sorrows ... please, please, please take good care of my Momma.

I love you all,

Charles Delacroix
Eve of the Feast of St John Capistrano