Purpose (?) and Hope (?)

Yesterday was a very painful day. At the end of the day, I went to my grief group and the facilitator asked me to talk about what actually happened when Mom died.

It was very, very, very difficult to talk about ... but also I think was very good to talk about. I guess I haven't talked about this with anyone till last night. Except it's in this blog near the beginning. Otherwise ... this was a "first."

Afterward, I really felt like a weight was off my shoulders. And still feel that way.

I also spent some time thinking things over last night. About that much-bandied phrase "moving on." And also about purpose and hope. Someone in the group asked if I could not find some sense of purpose from thinking about what Mom would have wanted me to do; surely she would want me to take care of myself, would she not?

Yes. Of course she would. And if she is anywhere that allows such, I have no doubt whatsoever that her prayers and well wishes continue with me even now; as mine do with her.

But honestly ... I'm very sorry to say ... if God's Will isn't enough to give me a sense of motivation and purpose at this time, then Mom's will won't either. This is say in full recognition that it would be much better if either or both would "work" for me in the Here and Now. And I realize that it's simply a sign of my weakness and my debility that they won't.

The facilitator mentioned Grieving as a process in which we learn to love our loved one in separation, since we are no longer able to love our loved one present.

That makes sense to me. But I'm just not there. Just not there. Or not yet there.

I guess all these years, Mom has been giving me a purpose, though I really didn't know it, in the sense that she was a Grounding and a Reality that was very concrete, very Here and Now to my senses.

And now she's gone. That Grounding is gone. That Here and Now to my senses is gone.

Similarly, the Church over time has come to recognize to basic wasy (or Vias) to the God Who Is Here and Now. The Via Negativa and the Via Positiva.

Now, I have no doubt at all that for those suited to this arduous Way, the Via Negativa is best.

Yet there have always been those ... perhaps the greatest majority .. who need a Via Positiva.

Statues, and Rosaries, and Churches, and Candles, and the whole panoply of Worship that mediates to our senses the Presence of the Unseen God. Ikons we can see; the God Beyond All we cannot. So we turn to Ikons to give us a positive apprehension of the God Who cannot be apprehended.

Likewise ... now that Mom is gone ... I need, I crave, those "images" that speak to me of her who is no longer here. Photos, and the Graveyard, and the things that she used: her hat, her sunglasses, her chair, her home ... all these are more precious to me than gold ... for they give me some sense of her who is no longer here but who has by God's Grace been allowed to leave behind these precious reminders of her.

For that reason ... I think working toward buying out my sister's interest in the house and its contents can give me, for now, a fairly concrete purpose and motivation that an abstract "Mom would want you to be happy" cannot.

The Readings from yesterday ... Zechariah and even Psalm 102 ... seem to me to confirm this as a direction in which to move.

Is this "moving on?" In that phrase that seems to be much favored by almost everyone I meet.

Frankly, I certainly hope *not*. Move on? Move on where? Move on why? What is the point of moving on if I don't even have a direction in which to move?

I'm still struggling to find some kind of answer to Hopelesssness and some kind of answer to Loneliness ... and to find some kind of meaning that makes some kind of visceral sense to me about why she's gone and what in the world I'm to do or be now.

Adopting as a goal the securing of what was hers that I can keep ... for now ... by God's Grace ... like the House, truly our Home; and her things, truly powerful reminders of her; and of her dog, a living purpose for me since I promised her that I would take good care of the dog. These things at least speak to my heart as to what I can do in the Here and Now. Things that affirm myself, that affirm what I knew of her, that affirm what I know of our relationship.

O God ... help me find a Way here that is Your Way ... that Honors my Mother, and Honors Your Presence in my Mother, and Your presence in our relationship.

I love you Mom.
I love you God.

Charles Delacroix
Feast of St Ignatiou