Grief, Loneliness and Mass

I was able to make it to 10:00 Mass this morning, but frankly only after almost flogging myself to get there. But I made it, crying, for Mom ... and made it into the Church.

Last week I managed to sit in the very back of the Church ... at a Saturday 5:00 Mass ... and managed to stay for the whole time. I thought I'd try the same approach again. Unfortunately, this time, when I tried sitting in the very back pew, I was already tearful, and then looking around and seeing families everywhere (or so it seemed) I felt that horrible loneliness of not having a family, not having anyone, sitting alone in the pew. I know that there's some sheer Envy involved here, but also I think that terribly Alone Loneliness that seems to be such a challenge at times.

Anyway, after finding myself sobbing more and more, I tried going into the vestibule of the main (Eastern) entrance to the Church. This was according to last week's back-up plan, although I didn't need to try it out back then. But in the vestibule I felt even more horribly alone. I cried and cried and finally went out the front door of the Church, down the side and back into the Church from the south side, went to the restroom to have a good cry and resupply myself with paper, and then went up to the little anteroom leading into the south transept of the Church. I didn't go inside, but listened to some readings, but finally kept crying so much, and feeling so torn apart by the loneliness, that I finally left and went to see a movie.

What movie? The Brave One, with Jodie Foster. This is the 4th or 5th time I've seen it ... or substantial parts of it ... and what a moving, moving tribute to one woman's Grief ... I felt too overwhelmed though, crying and crying, and went into another theatre in the cineplex and watched part of The Bourne Ultimatum, which I like very much. But I only watched part of it, left, and went to visit Mom at the cemetery. I read some more of Job there, and felt both worse and better. Worse in the sense that I really do think Job does a marvelously evocative articulation of the evil and horror of Suffering ... and especially of Suffering Alone. Of course in a way all Suffering is Suffering in Solitude. But on the other hand reading Job, and thinking of Salvifici Doloris's strongly worded descriptioni of the "World of Human Suffering", I didn't at least feel so alone in my misery. It think it's really true that Misery loves Company; at least, knowing otherss are confronted by Suffering really does seem to help me. Not that I would wish suffering on anyone, but since this Way of the Cross is appointed to all, finding in Community the World of Suffering is a genuine comfort.

Charles Delacroix
27th Sunday in OT