Hopelessness and Loneliness

These I think are really my biggest challenges these days. By far. And the fact that the past few days have been so full of financial / material headaches has really exacerbated both Hopelessness and Loneliness even when the sheer anxiety and agitation of "affairs" is concealing them. Lord forgive me ... how I Envy those who have family, friends, someone they can talk to; and those who have some sense of purpose, some sense of future, of something to live for.

But most of all ... by far ... O Lord ... by far I still just plain *miss* her.

Oh Mom ... oh Mom ... oh God why oh why oh why ...

Today is Friday morning. And on Wednesday I finally met with the lawyer about Mom's "estate." God how I hate even those words. Because we say we're talking about Assets and Liabilities, but really we're talking about this woman's things that were part and parcel of her life in this world. Her home, her belongings, her pension from the Methodist Church where she worked and laughed and groaned and perhaps cried for years and years ... these are the things that we are "settling."

And not even according to her intentions either ... alas Mom's "estate" ... God I hate even saying those words ... was small, but legally messy, so we're working from a will dating back almost 2 decades and which definitely doesn't reflect her intentions. But ... it's the law. And God how I hate saying those words too.

I know I'm behind. In a way anyway. I still haven't called even her life insurance companies. I can't seem to bring myself to tell them she's dead. I have a hard enough time telling myself she's dead. I've got to do it though.

Not in order to "move on". Another hateful phrase to me. The hell with moving on. What's there to move on to?

But I've got to call these places and tell them and get her accounts changed and closed and so on because I promised her I would do so. I'm her son, I'm her executor, and I told her that I would do it, and therefore By God Himself, and with His help, do it I will. But Oh God it's hard.

And every time I see even a piece of paper with her name on it I can't help thinking ... it's over. She was a young, vibrant woman at one time; and all of these things were part of her vibrant life. And closing each one seems like putting her into her grave once more.

I'm still reading Job when I visit her grave. The Office of Readings for each day has really been very moving to me for some reason, but what Job is saying is what I think and feel. Like MacDuff, I cannot help thinking of those things that are most precious to me.

O Lord Jesus Christ, You Who wept at the Tomb of Lazarus, You Who sweated tears of blood in Gethsemani, You Who bore the whole weight of suffering on the Cross, You Who are the Man of Sorrows and son of Our Lady of Sorrows ... please, Lord, have mercy on me, be with me, and bless my dear mother.

I love you Lord but I don't damn see what the hell is going on in this universe today. Guess I don't need to know. And I know you let me know things on a Need to Know basis. "What is that to thee? Follow Thou me." OK, dammit. Thy will be done. Dammit.

In Him, Through Him, and With Him,

Charles Delacroix
Friday of the 27th Week of Ordinary Time