Full Moom over Mom's Grave

When I went to visit Mom's grave tonite, there was an incredibly huge moon in the clear sunset skies above her grave. The moon anymore always makes me think of the Moon in George MacDonald's Phantastes ... I think ... or was it Lilith? This is a Moon that watches over the things below her on earth with joy or sadness, depending on what is transpiring here. And this is to me Mary watching over us all.

St Augustine in the Office of Readings for this morning had things to say that I needed ... and need to hear ... again and again. See http://www.universalis.com/20071025/readings.htm:

"So when we are suffering afflictions that might be doing us either good or harm, we do not to know how to pray as we ought. But because they are hard to endure and painful, because they are contrary to our nature (which is weak) we, like all mankind, pray to have our afflictions taken from us. At least, though, we owe this much respect to the Lord our God, that if he does not take our afflictions away we should not consider ourselves ignored and neglected, but should hope to gain some greater good through the patient acceptance of suffering. For my power is at its best in weakness.

"Scripture says this so that we should not be proud of ourselves if our prayer is heard, when we ask for something it would be better for us not to get; and so that we should not become utterly dejected if we are not given what we ask for, despairing of God’s mercy towards us: it might be that what we have been asking for could have brought us some still greater affliction, or it could have brought us the kind of good fortune that brings corruption and ruin. In such cases, it is clear that we cannot know how to pray as we ought.

"Hence if anything is happens contrary to our prayer, we ought to bear the disappointment patiently, give thanks to God, and be sure that it was better for God’s will to be done than our own. The Mediator himself has given us an example of this. When he had prayed, My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass me by, he transformed the human will that was in him because he had assumed human nature and added Nevertheless, let it be as you, not I, would have it. Thus, truly, By the obedience of one man many have been made righteous."

Let's say that again: "if anything is happens contrary to our prayer, we ought to bear the disappointment patiently, give thanks to God, and be sure that it was better for God’s will to be done than our own."

Yes. Yes.

Amen O Lord.

O but help me bear this Cross for without you I can do nothing ... much less bear even for one moment the loss of my dear Momma.

I went by the Catholic Bookstore and they are going to order me a hard copy of Salvifici Doloris. I also picked up a copy of St Padre Pio's Meditation on Christ's Agony in the Garden. Also saw some possible resources in a section on Lent. All in all, I feel like a good patristic commendtary on the Book of Job and other things like these might help me very much by God's Grace.

I'm really still feeling just tired and worn out though. I look this way and that and things all seem to say, "We are things you would have shared with your Momma at one time. Now you have no one to share us with. You are Alone."

I look and see and think, "Why?" and "So what?"

I know at one level that St Augustine is right. You know, O lord, You know, not me, but You know what is best.

Yet futility seems to swirl all around me. Purposelessness, hopelessness, loneliness and spiritual poverty seem to be my constant companions. And exhaustion. Just feeling bone tired.

O Lord Your Will not mine be done.

And O lord ... O lord ... please, please, please ... please ... take good care of my Momma ...

Momma I miss you so ...

Thy Will O lord not mine be done ...

In Christ and by His Holy Cross,

Charles Delacroix
Thursday of Week 29 of Ordinary Time