Slowing Down ...

I've just been slowing down for the past few days ... slowing down ... very tired, very tired ... really tired.

And I guess really I have to be careful not to overdo I think.

This morning I was working on email; and worked on commenting on IMDb which is something I've liked doing in the past but have gotten away from. Then I went to do clinical supervision (LCSW) of someone. And went by the museum. Then went and got the dog and took her to Woodward Park for a walk. And thought of how Mom would have been watching and smiling to see Spooky chasing after the squirrels. But of course she's not there now to watch. Or is she? I can hope. As Spooky and I walked back through the Rose Garden, we walked down a path that would have led to where Mom often sat in a little alcove, watching us coming back toward her. Oh how I miss seeing her watching for us. She's not there now though. Oh ... or is she?

After that the dog and I drove past two houses where Mom lived in the past.

And then I went to a friend's house to help with her computer there and when I left I simply felt exhausted.

I can do these things and it's OK up to a point but then I feel so tired ... and the thought comes over me that she's gone ... gone ... and everything feels utterly pointless and I wonder, "what am I doing these things for? What's the point? Why even try?"

I've really got to slow down.

Oh Mom. Oh Mom. Oh Mom.

Oh God. Oh God. Oh God.

I saw some of these purple flowers with golden centers out front. Really Mom would have loved them. So do I. But of course she's not here. So what's the point of anything ... even looking at these flowers. They are lovely. No question about that. And God is to be blessed for sending these exquisite beauties to us. I know that at one level. But my gut still asks: "What's the point? She's not here. So what's the point?"

Things seem so pointless. Hopeless. And a part of me fears losing the house because if every time I go to work I come away feeling exhausted and hopeless there's just no way I can sustain going to work. Maybe I'm moving too fast on that then. I don't know.

OOR this morning was really moving. From St Anthony Claret. He says that Love is the motive force for everything we do. And last week the Collect said that Love is the Foundation of all we do.

Yes. Yes.

But still I'm exhausted. And the thought keeps coming through my tears: Oh Lord why O why is Mom not here anymore.

Why. Why.

I am staying home from RCIA tonite. Just sad and so tired out. I think I'll go see a dollar movie. Probably Balls of Fury. I'm usually not up to comedies these days but what the hell.

Oh Lord I do by Your Grace alone ask that if it be according to Your Will may my suffering such as it is be lifted up to You to do with as You will. May this horrible hopeless sense of futility be used for the good first of my dear departed Mom if she can benefit from it. If not please use it as you see fit to fill up what is lacking in the sufferings of Christ.

Oh Lord how it all hurts and hurts and hurts.

Thy will be done.

Just for today.

Oh how it hurts.

Momma ... Momma ... oh why Oh why are you gone ...

Thy will be done O Lord.

OK. On to the movie. I'll check in when I get back. God willing.

I love you Lord. And please oh please oh please ... take good care of my Momma.

Love always,

Charles Delacroix
Feast of St Antony Claret